Title: Bad Day
Author: lady-ravaatris
Paring: Hotch/Reid if you squint
Rating: G, for mild angst
Words: 1122
Notes: Slight spoliers for season three. Please keep in mind that this is my first time writing for Criminal Minds, and I apologise if it seems a little...awkward.
Summary: Nobody understands Hotch.

***

Nobody understands Hotch


He was the strong one, the leader. He was icy calm, and always had a plan to help them when they were in trouble. He held the team together, and if he fell apart, they all would.

Hotch sighed and put his hands on his head. It had been a particularly bad day, with a horrible finish. For starters, they had been unable to catch the UnSub before his had raped and brutally murdered his final victim. When they had finally found him, covered in his victims blood, the UnSub had laughed. Told them that (ooh, too bad) they were just a few minutes too late, but "If you want, I videotaped the show just for you!" He openly mocked them for their failure, and whose to say he wasn't right? Because they were to slow, one more woman was dead. One more life, snuffed out meaninglessly. Hotch shut his eyes, unsuccessfully trying to block out the images of the victims, once beautiful in life, now ripped and torn apart, thrown away like trash.

And then Haley called.

Hotch was already angry, depressed, losing it. You couldn't see it on the outside. To anyone not looking too closely, he just appeared to be a little more tense than usual, but that was understandable, everyone on the team had felt the impact of this case.

But then Haley had called, and he lost it.

She was telling him that no, he couldn't see Jack this weekend. She's taking him to her sisters' for a visit, and ‘you can wait till next week.'

And Hotch had snapped. Jack was his child too, and he wanted nothing more than to see his son. He had cooperated entirely with the entire divorce process, and signed away his custody over Jack to his ex-wife. And now, she was denying him the right to visit his own flesh and blood.

So he yelled at her. He raised his voice, said hurtful things. Cited the judges statement, he was allowed to see his son. He got angrier and angrier, and even though he had left the room to take her phone call, the team could hear him shouting, loosing his iron control. Demanding that she let him see his son.

And when he had returned to the room of tense, worried agents, they could see how angry he was. Reid stepped forward and asked if he was okay, and Hotch had snapped at him, "It's none of your damn business!"

The flight home had been unbearable. Arizona to Virginia, even on a private jet, is a couple of hours. A couple of hours in a confined area with a team of people who could read people who were much more in control of themselves than Hotch was at the moment.

And Hotch was already regretting the day, hating himself for being so affected by the case. Hating himself for losing it with Haley. Hating himself for lashing out at Reid, who had only wanted to know if he was alright. He wished he could apologize, take it all back.

He was also beginning to hate the looks everyone was giving him. Rossi was disapproving of the emotional outburst. He was right, it was unprofessional, but the judgement bothered him. Emily and JJ looked scared, they didn't know what the could do to help their boss, they had never seen him like this. Morgan was concerned, but was going to give Hotch his space, leave him a little privacy.

Reid kept glancing at Hotch throughout the flight. Everyone was sneaking glances, but he was doing it the most. He was hurt by what Hotch had said, although he knew that he should stay out of it. He was worried about him, scared that if Hotch didn't talk to someone soon, work out his problems, then one day he was going to break, and nothing in the world was going to be able fix him.

 

Nobody understands Hotch

They think they do, they think they understand what he's going through. The thing with Haley has certainly broken up their boss, but it'll pass, and he'll stay just as strong as ever. Nothing can break Aaron Hotchner.

Hotch banged his head against the desk, wishing that such things were true. But the truth was, he was slowly coming apart at the seams. His careful calm, his ability to keep his anger in check even in the most dire of circumstances, his confidence in his ability to lead his team. They were all slipping away.

He thought back again to the plane ride, how at the end, he just wanted to scream at them to stop looking at him, stop worrying. He wanted them to realize that looking at him sympathetically and waiting for him to resolve his problems weren't going to change that fact that he was falling apart.

Knock. Knock-knock.

Someone knocked on his office door, snapping Hotch out of his reverie. He lifted his head and said "Come in." He was surprised that there was still someone at the office, he thought everyone had left.

It was Reid. He looked scared, like he was afraid he might say something to set Hotch off again, but stepped forward anyway.

"Sir," he started nervously, obviously uncomfortable with talking to his boss. "I-I…I know it's not any of my business, but I wanted to see if you were alright. I-If you needed to talk to someone."

Hotch stared at Reid for a second, causing the younger man to squirm a little, and then got up and moved around his desk to one of the other chairs in the office. Gesturing for Reid to sit close to him, he sighed. "Reid, it's just…" he began, "I've just been…" his throat closed up for a moment as he thought about what he was about to tell Reid.

Reid saw Hotch struggling, and wanted to do something, anything to comfort him. Reaching out tentatively, he grasped Hotch's hand, lending the older man the strength to continue.

And Hotch did. He told Reid everything, about how terrible his marriage had been, about the divorce. About not being allowed to see Jack anymore on the few weekends he was home.

He told Reid about how the case had put him on edge, how lately the blood and the bodies, and the cruelty of it all was getting to him more and more, and how he was afraid that someday he might not be strong enough to keep doing this job.

And when he broke down and cried, Reid held him, comforting him. Telling him that it was going to be okay, that things would eventually even out.

And for the first time Hotch felt that it was true, that things were going to be okay.

Nobody understands Hotch-

Except for Spencer Reid.

***