Title: Born To Be Alive
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Spencer Reid/Ethan Delacroix
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Spencer Reid or Ethan Delacroix, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Ethan glanced up at the clock, sighing as he did so. He hated that Spencer had to go out of town so soon after he'd gotten here, but that was the nature of his boyfriend's job -- Spencer had told him that he would be gone a lot, and he had to deal with that.

But it didn't really matter that much, did it? he asked himself. So they couldn't be together every night; that just meant that they would be happy to see each other again when Spencer got back from the case that the BAU was working on in Oregon.

He didn't like having his boyfriend all the way across the country, but since there was nothing he could do about it, he accepted the fact that he'd have to spend a lot of days and nights alone. He wasn't going to ask Spencer to leave the BAU; that would be crazy.

Spencer loved his job, and Ethan knew that. Leaving the BAU wasn't an option for his boyfriend, so he was the one who would have to adjust to not having his lover at home a lot of the time. But when Spencer was here, they would make up for those lost hours.

That didn't make him feel any better now, though, he told himself, glancing at the clock again. He frowned when he realized that it was only two minutes later than the last time he'd looked at it; he had to stop counting the minutes and watching the clock all the time.

What was that old saying? Ethan frowned as he tried to remember -- something about watched clock only moving more slowly. That definitely referred to what he was doing now; he had to find something more than his job to keep his hours occupied until Spencer was back home.

He knew that he would get a phone call tonight -- and once he did, he'd be able to go to sleep. It might take him a while to actually fall asleep; he'd discovered that he had a hard time sleeping without Spencer here next to him, but that was only to be expected.

He'd gotten so used to having Spencer next to him when he fell asleep, feeling safe and protected in his young lover's arms, that now it felt strange to sleep in an empty bed. It hadn't taken him long to feel that way, even after years of sleeping alone.

Somehow, everything in his life had seemed to fall into place when he'd come here in the hope of reconnecting with Spencer. That had worked out better than he'd had any right to hope for; he hadn't realized that Spencer had always felt the same way about him. It was a dream come true.

He hadn't really been living until he'd been with Spencer again. He had enjoyed some aspects of his life in New Orleans; he'd always loved playing the piano, and he had loved the atmosphere of the city he lived in. But there had always been something missing from his life.

That thing had been Spencer. He had thought about the other man every day; and when Spencer had called and said that he was in New Orleans when the BAU had been working on a case there, it had seemed like the perfect opportunity for them to reconnect in some way.

Yet when they had met again, Ethan hadn't been able to tell Spencer how he felt. It was all too obvious that the other man had been wrestling with some serious problems, and Ethan hadn't wanted to add another one to the list. Spencer had enough to deal with.

He had kept it all bottled up inside, just as he had always done when he and Spencer had been around each other every day. And he'd regretted doing that -- so much so that he had finally made the decision to leave New Orleans behind, and take the risk of coming here to DC.

That risk had paid off; he had found out in no uncertain terms that Spencer felt the same way he did. Taking that chance had been the best thing he'd ever done for himself, and after so many years of feeling that he only had a half-life, he finally felt fully alive.

He felt like a butterfly that had just emerged from a chrysalis that it had been trapped in for far too long; he'd broken free of the cocoon he'd been hidden in, and had come to glorious life. Everything in his life seemed so much brighter now, the palette of life painted in a brilliant palette.

He'd never been as happy as he was here with Spencer, Ethan thought with a smile. Even when his boyfriend was working on a case with the BAU, they were still connected. And he always knew that Spencer would come back to him once his job was done.

Everything that had been missing in his life had now fallen into place -- and all it had taken was a move to DC, and pouring out his heart to Spencer. He had been born to be here, born to be a part of Spencer Reid's life. He was right where he belonged, after years of wanting to be here.

He'd never felt as alive as he had since he'd moved here, Ethan mused. New Orleans was a wonderful city, but there was something about the pace of things around here, the level of energy, that his adopted city couldn't touch. New Orleans would never be the equal of this place.

This was where he had been born to be, Ethan thought, glancing at the clock again. He had always belonged with Spencer, even though he had gotten off track for a while. He should never have let so much time go by before he had gathered his courage to tell Spencer how he felt.

They'd spent far too much time apart, but they would make up for that in the future. Even though Spencer obviously couldn't be here with him every night, they would still be together, and a day wouldn't go by when they didn't at least speak to each other.

And a day wouldn't go by when he didn't tell Spencer how much he was loved, Ethan told himself, the inner words strong and firm. He would say those words to Spencer each and every day, even if they were thousands of miles apart and he couldn't put those feelings into actions.

He had been born to belong to Spencer Reid; his heart had always been Spencer's, even if the other man didn't know that he held it in his hands. He'd lost his heart the first time they'd met; even though they'd been much younger then, he had always known where his emotions lay.

When he'd been living in New Orleans, as much as he'd enjoyed the city and loved what he did for a living, a part of him had been deadened, numbed. That aspect of who he was had sprung to life when he'd found Spencer again, bursting into a joyous full bloom.

He was born to be this alive, to be this happy and fulfilled. He wasn't the kind of person who had been meant for sadness and brooding -- but then again, no one was, Ethan mused. Nobody should have to feel that they were only living a half-life that didn't make them happy.

He'd never thought that he could feel like this when he was living in New Orleans -- that he could feel so free, so completely happy. Of course, this life wasn't going to be absolutely perfect, but he was with Spencer, and that was the only thing that really mattered.

Ethan stretched out with another soft sigh, wishing that the phone would ring. It felt as though he'd been here waiting for Spencer's call for eternity, and patience had never been his strong suit. He just wanted to hear his boyfriend's voice, to feel the love that flowed between them.

Funny how he could hear something like that in the tone of Spencer's voice, when he'd never heard it with anyone else. Ethan almost snorted at the thought; that had a simple enough explanation. None of the people he'd been with before had really loved him in the way that Spencer did.

He already knew that. Nobody had ever made him feel the way Spencer did, and he'd certainly never loved anybody else the way he loved Spencer. It was only reasonable to think that the same applied to Spencer. He could probably hear Ethan's love for him in his voice, too.

Did Spencer feel exactly the same way he did? Did he feel as though he'd just been born when his life with Ethan had started, or did he feel that Ethan was simply another part of the life he already had? Ethan wasn't sure that he wanted to ask his boyfriend that question.

He wanted to believe that Spencer felt just as he did; that he'd only been half-living before they had found each other again, and that Ethan completed his life. Maybe it was silly to be afraid to ask, but Ethan wasn't sure that he wanted to hear Spencer's answer.

He didn't really need to hear those words. If Spencer didn't feel exactly the same way he did, then it was still enough to know that he was loved, and that Spencer wanted to be with him. Spencer didn't have to feel exactly as he did; it was enough that he returned Ethan's love.

At the moment, he was still treading water, just waiting for Spencer to get back home from this case so they could spend more time together. But he wasn't having any doubts about being here; those had been dispelled from the first time they'd made love.

But once Spencer was back home, he could show the man he loved exactly how he felt. Spencer would never be in any doubt of the fact that he was loved -- and that he was wanted. Ethan intended to prove that to him each and every day that they were together.

The ring of the phone brought Ethan out of his thoughts and into the present; he reached for it with a smile, feeling his heart seem to skip a beat. Spencer was calling, and in a few moments, he would hear his lover's voice and be filled with the reassurance that he was indeed right where he belonged.

***