Title: Bounce Back
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Spencer Reid
Fandom: Doctor Who/Criminal Minds
Rating: R
Table: slash_me_twice
Prompt: 52, Low
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Spencer Reid, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

Spencer lay back against the comfortable pillows of the bed he shared with the Doctor, closing his eyes and sighing. He felt more stable now, more like himself. The cravings had passed, and he was still here, still in one piece.

He was still alive. At one point, he'd been so badly overtaken by a deep, primal need that he hadn't been sure he was going to survive. He'd yelled, screamed, struggled against the Doctor, insisting that he had to have Dilaudid.

But the Time Lord had held him, soothed him, and somehow managed to keep him from doing any harm to himself. Spencer had no words to describe how grateful he was to his lover for standing by him, even when he was at his worst.

He'd certainly been at his lowest point, he told himself, wanting to roll over and hide his face in the pillow, but feeling too tired to move. If the Doctor could still want him around after seeing that -- well, then, he must be in love with a saint.

How could anyone look at him with love after seeing what a mess he could be? The Doctor was a man in a million, Spencer told himself, opening his eyes to look up at the ceiling. Anyone else would probably have given up on him by now.

Of course, he'd already long since discovered that the Doctor wasn't the kind of man to give up on any situation, especially when it involved people he cared about. This man wouldn't have walked out on him and left him to his own devices.

Would anyone he knew on Earth have taken care of him this way? Well, his friends at the BAU probably would have, Spencer told himself with a sigh. Or his mother, of course, if she was fit to do so. But their care would have been different.

He doubted that any of them, even his mother, would have stayed by his side and held him for hours the way that the Doctor had. They would have relied on doctors to help him through -- a very different kind of doctor from the man he held so dear.

It was embarrassing to admit that he needed this kind of help. This addiction was something that he'd thought was past, something that he'd believed he could turn his back on. He hadn't expected it to come back with such sudden ferocity.

Spencer frowned as he thought back on the last few days. Nothing had happened to spark that craving, not that he knew of. It was as though the physical need had come from somewhere in the depths of his being, springing on him unawares with teeth and claws out.

All he'd been able to see in his mind's eye in those first few moments when he'd known that the addiction had taken hold of him again was Tobias' face. He'd seen that knowing smile, the glint in those eyes, heard that voice in his head.

He wanted to hate Tobias. After all, this was the man who'd kidnapped and tortured him, the man who'd caused his addiction. Because of Hankel, he would live the rest of his life as a recovering addict, never able to relax his vigilance over that addiction for even one second.

Or was that just a cop-out? Spencer sighed, rolling his head to the side and staring at the glass of water on the table by the bed. There was nothing else on the table; the Doctor would be careful not to leave any kind of drugs within his reach.

Yes, it was a cop-out. He'd been the one to reach for the Dilaudid after Hankel was dead; it had been his decision to use the drug. He didn't have to do it; his arm hadn't been twisted. He'd given in to a momentary weakness, and now he was paying the price.

Tobias had somehow known that he would give in. He could still see that knowing smile, that gleam in those maniacal eyes. He had known that in some ways, a part of him would stay with Spencer for the rest of his life. That had been his triumph.

Spencer clenched his fists, squeezing his eyes tightly shut at the same time. No! The word reverberated in his head, so loudly that he could have sworn he'd shouted it aloud. He wasn't going to let Tobias win. He wasn't going to let this addiction win.

"Spencer, what's wrong?" The Doctor's voice made his eyes fly open; Spencer gasped as he sat up on the bed and looked around. The Time Lord was standing in the doorway of the room, looking concerned. "I could hear your thoughts all around me. Did something happen?"

Slowly, the young man shook his head, holding out a hand to his lover. "No, I'm okay. I was just .... I couldn't stop thinking about what brought me to this," he murmured, his gaze meeting the Doctor's. "I'm sorry, Doctor. I've let you down."

The Doctor shook his head as he crossed the room to sit down on the bed next to Spencer. "No, you haven't, sweetheart," he said softly, raising a hand to brush Spencer's damp hair back from his pale face. "This is beyond your control. It's not your fault."

"Yes, it is my fault," Spencer insisted, his voice rising. He could almost feel the panic that was threatening to overwhelm him, rising in his throat, wanting to spill out in a never-ending scream. "I didn't have to take that Dilaudid. I did this to myself."

The Doctor shook his head, his expression almost stern as he placed a hand on Spencer's chest and gently pushed him back down against the pillows. "No, it isn't. He's the one who gave you the drugs in the first place. He started you on the path. Therefore, he's responsible."

Spencer sighed and raised a hand to rub his aching temple. "I wish I could see it that way," he said, his voice barely a whisper. "But in my mind, it all comes down to me. I made the choice. I'm the one who let that choice rule me and slipped into becoming an addict."

"Addiction is a powerful thing, Spencer," the Doctor murmured, shaking his head. "I know how hard it can be fight something that has such a strong hold on you. But you're strong. You're overcoming it, one step at a time. You can't do it all at once."

"I don't deserve you," Spencer whispered, catching the Doctor's hand and holding it tightly in his own. "I shouldn't have to lean on you like this. I'm just glad you're letting me do it. You're seeing me at the lowest point I can get to, and you're still here."

The Doctor smiled at him, leaning down to brush his lips across the younger man's. "Of course I'm still here," he said, cupping Spencer's cheek with his free hand. "I love you, Spencer. I'm not going to leave you because you're dealing with a problem that we can fight together."

"I love you, too," Spencer said softly, feeling tears well up behind his eyes and blinking them back. "I'm going to kick this, Doctor. I'm not going to let it rule my life. It might try to come back every once in a while, but it's never going to win."

"We all have our low points, Spencer," the Doctor told him, his voice and expression grave. "I'm sure that you'll see mine as well, sooner or later. And I hope that you won't turn away from me because of it. That's the time when I'll need you more than ever."

"Just like I need you now." Spencer squeezed his lover's hand, giving the Doctor a grateful smile. "You'll never have to worry about that, Doctor. I'm not going to leave you. After all you've done for me, the very least I can do is stick around to help you through your problems."

"That's good to hear." The Doctor smiled, leaning forward to kiss Spencer again, more deeply this time. Spencer slid one arm around the Time Lord's neck, not wanting the other man to pull away. No, he wanted his lover exactly where he was.

He might be at a low point right now, the young man told himself, but he'd bounce back as quickly as he could. And with the Doctor by his side, he'd keep fighting his addiction until it was put completely behind him, relegated to the past where it belonged.

***