Title: Darkness From Cold
Author: Rhysenn
Rating: FRT (or PG-13)
Pairing: Hotch/Reid
Summary: Something in Reid’s past becomes the present once more.
A/N: This turned out much longer than I expected! About 3,000 words. Title from the song "Tears and Rain" by James Blunt, which was on the L.D.S.K. episode soundtrack.
This is the sequel to The Persistence of Memory, so please read that first.

***

They’re back from San Francisco earlier than expected, and Reid ignores the stack of files on his desk as he unpacks two clean sets of short-sleeved shirts and pants. These are going back into his locker for wheels-up-in-twenty-minutes trips. Reid wonders how in the world Hotch manages to show up in a suit and tie every time, anywhere.

Not that Reid’s complaining or anything. On the plane he usually finishes reading all case reports when his colleagues are approximately on the fifth page, so he spends the rest of his time on the flight surreptitiously watching Hotch. It’s one of the perks of the job; at least, it used to be. On the flight back from San Francisco, when Hotch sat down opposite him Reid made some stupid excuse about the air-conditioning being too cold and moved to the back of the plane.

Reid is aware that Gideon has been hovering with intent ever since they stepped back into the office, and he doesn’t need to be a genius to guess why. He makes up his mind to be out the door within fifteen minutes, and rummages through his suitcase for the least mismatched tie to put back into his locker with his two shirts. When he turns around, he walks straight into Hotch.

Reid flails and makes an embarrassing noise that sounds like a squeak and yelp.

"Whoa, whoa," Hotch reaches out to steady him with both hands. "Easy, there."

"Sorry, Hotch, didn’t see you," Reid hastily untangles himself and moves back, bumping into the edge of his table as he tries to sidle away. "Going to my locker now – so guess I’ll just –"

"Reid, wait." Hotch steps in front of him and Reid stops short. "You feeling all right?"

There’s concern in Hotch’s eyes, but the way Hotch is blocking his path makes Reid feel trapped, nervous, a sense of déjà vu.

"I’m fine," Reid answers tightly.

"Chills all gone now?"

Reid blinks. "Excuse me?"

"You said you were cold on the plane." Hotch pauses, and his eyes don’t leave Reid. "Are you feeling better now?"

"Oh. Yes." Reid feels a hot flush burn on his face. "I’m much better now. Thanks."

If Hotch can see through Reid’s pathetic attempt at lying, which Reid is certain he can, he doesn’t show it.

"Good," Hotch says. "Because I thought we might have a drink together, after this."

Reid stares at him. So much for getting away from Gideon – it feels like Reid was so busy trying to avoid the lion’s den that he walked right into the lion.

"There’s a new place that just opened around the corner," Hotch continues, "it’s walking distance from here. I thought we could check it out."

"Uh, you know what?" Reid stammers, casting wildly for excuses, "I, uh, actually I have this, um, thing, that I, uh..."

"I’d also appreciate if you didn’t turn me down," Hotch cuts in, a glint of mirth in his eyes, "so I don’t have to insist."

Reid looks at Hotch and there’s a curl on the edges of Hotch’s mouth, and he can’t help smiling back sheepishly. And this, Reid reminds himself, this is who Hotch is.

"A drink sounds good," Reid answers, relaxing a little. "Although I’ll probably just have coffee."

"More sugar."

"How did you know?"

Hotch merely shakes his head, amused.

"I have a couple more things to clear up with Gideon, so I’ll see you there at eight," he says. "And, Reid? You’re expressly forbidden from buying drinks before I arrive."

Reid smiles again, and it feels like a great load has been lifted off his chest.

"Yes, sir."


* * *


Reid arrives five minutes before eight and the place is already more than half filled, so he finds an empty table in a corner and sits down to wait for Hotch. He’s still tired but he’s in a much better mood – his brief conversation with Hotch improved from an awkward exchange to the comfortable back-and-forth that Reid’s used to, and he’s glad for that.

His attraction to Hotch is something Reid has never really denied or acknowledged, not even to himself. Hotch was already spoken for when they met, and Reid just accepted that fact and enjoyed being around him nonetheless. He’s never really let himself think about what might’ve happened if they knew each other back when Hotch was still available.

Reid is so absorbed in thought that he doesn’t notice that someone is standing there, right in front of him.

"Hello, Spencer."

The familiar voice is laced with an even more familiar coldness, enough to make the hairs on the back of Reid’s neck prickle; and he knows exactly who it is before he looks up.

Piercing dark eyes gaze back at him, and Reid finds himself staring up at a handsome face framed with wavy brown hair. Disbelief coils like a cold tendril in the pit of Reid’s stomach; a chill crawls over his skin and up his spine.

"Eric," Reid whispers, and it’s a name he has barely even let himself think about.

Eric Ghezzi. Smart, witty, charming, and in possession of such charisma that he fast-tracked up the ranks and was promised partnership in his elite consultancy firm before he turned thirty-five. Ambitious, intelligent, driven, possessive. It almost feels like reciting just another bio, another profile, except this particular one walked into his life two years ago and never really walked out.

"It’s hard to believe it’s been a year," Eric continues. "You and me, Spencer – it feels like just yesterday."

"You – you’re not supposed to be here," Reid finally croaks.

"November 10, 2004." Eric reaches inside his coat, takes out a crisply folded piece of paper and drops it on the table. "Today’s the 11th of November, 2005. I can be anywhere I want."

Reid stares blankly at the paper on the table for a long moment before he finally raises his eyes to Eric again.

"You – you followed me here?"

Eric smiles, that same thin, tight-lipped smile that Reid remembers, still sometimes sees when his dreams betray the resolve of his mind.

"I’ve missed you," Eric says. "I’ve been looking forward to seeing you again."

Reid can’t breathe; the edges of his vision turn blurry and memories of the last time he spoke to Eric flash through his mind – outside the courtroom, and Reid remembers what Eric called out after him, over and over again: I love you, Spencer. I love you. I –

"What’s going on here?"

Reid snaps out of his reverie to see Hotch standing there, frowning. Reid imagines the look on own face must have clued Hotch in to what’s going on, because Hotch’s eyes narrow and he takes a step forward.

"Who is this?" Hotch fixes Eric with a hard gaze, but his words are directed at Reid; a classic technique, Reid recognizes, to make the other person feel challenged.

Reid opens his mouth, but no words emerge.

Eric’s expression darkens as he takes in Hotch’s antagonistic presence. "Who the hell are you?"

Hotch regards Eric coldly. "That’s none of your business."

Eric glares at Hotch, who glares right back, never faltering. After several long moments, Eric finally backs down and turns his attention to Reid once again.

"Who is he?" he demands.

There’s a menacing tone in Eric’s voice; Reid closes his eyes, and he can feel his pulse racing, his heartbeat pounding in his ears.

"Who the fuck is he, Spencer?" Eric barks, and Reid literally jumps.

"Hey!" Hotch says sharply. "Don’t talk to him like that!"

Reid’s palms are cold and sweaty; he opens and closes his hands convulsively and his thoughts scatter like small dead leaves in the wind.

"He’s uh, he’s a friend," he mumbles, keeping his eyes averted.

"A friend?" Eric snarls. "Is he – is he your new boyfriend, Spencer?"

Reid can feel both men’s gazes on him; he blinks rapidly, avoids eye contact with either.

"No," he says in a small voice, but before he can continue Hotch cuts in.

"You need to leave," he hears Hotch say to Eric in a low, intense voice. "Right now."

"I don’t take orders from you, sheriff," Eric spits.

"Fine. We’ll leave, then." Reid feels Hotch’s hand on his arm, firmly pulling him to his feet. Then Hotch speaks in his ear, although loud enough for Eric to hear it, "Let’s find someplace else to enjoy our evening."

Eric moves forward angrily.

"Spencer, you listen to me!" he growls, and reaches out as if to grab Reid’s arm – but Hotch is there first, shoving Eric away with such force that the other man staggers backwards.

Reid can’t take it anymore. He turns to Eric.

"Don’t do this," the plea spills from Reid’s lips and he hates it, hates that he’s begging Eric again. "Please, just – just go."

To his surprise, Reid sees a different kind of desperation in the other man’s eyes.

"We can go back to the way we were before," Eric says beseechingly. "We can do it all over again, I promise we’ll do it right this time."

"We?" Reid feels a sudden, inexplicable anger rush through him. "We can do it right? Tell me, Eric, what exactly was it I did wrong the first time?"

"You know I never meant to do any of that!" Eric blurts out. "You know I would never hurt you –"

"But you did!" Reid explodes, even startling Hotch next to him.

Reid feels his eyes sting from the outburst; but he stands his ground and faces Eric.

"You have no idea, Eric, no idea how long I told myself the exact same thing – that you didn’t mean it, that you were just drunk or your work was driving you crazy. How good I became at coming up with excuses to the ER doctors just to get myself checked over for internal injuries – and how much I wished it were true, that I really did fall down the stairs or get knocked over by a bike, because at least that means it was something I did!"

Reid stops abruptly and sucks in a deep breath; Eric is staring at him, slack-jawed, and next to him Hotch is silent. A sudden hush has settled around them and people have turned around to watch.

"Spencer," Eric finally says, his voice breaking.

Eric moves forward; but before Reid can react Hotch is there, stepping in front of him and blocking him from Eric.

"If you," Hotch says to Eric, and there’s a low, dangerous tone in Hotch’s voice that Reid has never heard before, "ever touch him again, I’ll make sure that’s the last thing you ever do."

Without waiting for Eric’s reaction Hotch turns back to Reid; but Reid can’t look at him, and he just stares blindly at the floor until he feels Hotch’s hands on his shoulders, gently turning him around.

Reid allows Hotch to steer him away, and they’re two steps from the door when Eric calls out, hoarsely:

"I really do love you, Spencer."

Reid stops dead in his tracks and Hotch bumps into his back. There’s a heartbeat of silence and Reid can’t move, can’t think, can’t do anything until Hotch finally leans forward and whispers gently in his ear, "Let’s go."

And the calm tone of Hotch’s words is all Reid can hold on to; he nods numbly, and manages to make it through the door. Once they’re on the sidewalk he slumps against the wall outside.

"Stop," Reid gasps. When he glances back he sees Eric still inside, staring out at him through the glass.

"You’ve got to hold it together," Hotch says intensely, his lips barely moving. "He’s still watching you – don’t let him have the satisfaction of seeing you upset."

Reid lets out a short, broken laugh. "Isn’t it a little late for that?"

"He’s trying to see how much effect he still has on you," Hotch counters. "He knows he can hit a nerve, but you’ve already shown him you can walk away from him. Again."

"I forgot," Reid whispers; he can hear a slightly hysterical tone in his own voice. "I completely forgot the restraining order expired yesterday. I made a note on my calendar but, but I didn’t check, I just wanted to forget about everything –"

"Hey, hey, listen," Hotch takes Reid’s face in both his hands so he can’t look away. "Listen to me, Reid. This is no longer about him hurting you. Because he’s not going to do it ever again. I promise you that." Hotch pauses. "This is about you making sure he knows that you are absolutely, irrevocably through with him."

Reid stares at Hotch, uncomprehendingly.

"Now you’ve got to trust me on this," Hotch continues urgently. "And just... pretend. Okay?"

"What...?" Reid begins, but doesn’t manage to get another word out because Hotch’s mouth is on his, and Hotch is kissing him.

Reid’s mind goes slightly blank; for a moment he doesn’t react, can’t wrap his brain around the fact that the warmth of Hotch’s lips against his own is real – then he stops thinking, closes his eyes and kisses Hotch back.

Hotch’s tongue flickers out tentatively, then slides inside Reid’s mouth; taking the lead, yet still tender, completely aware of the way Reid is responding to him. Reid feels the knotted tension in his body abruptly dissipate and he threads his fingers through Hotch’s hair, pulling him closer, deepening the kiss, trying to burn this moment into his memory.

When they finally break apart Hotch pulls back, but doesn’t pull away. Reid’s eyelids flutter open – he’s dizzy like he’s never been before and he’s looking into Hotch’s eyes, intense and dark in the shadows surrounding them.

"You all right?" Hotch murmurs; his hands are still holding Reid’s face and their noses are still touching.

Are you kidding? Reid wants to say. I’ve thought about this since the day we met. But his mouth isn’t as articulate as his mind, and all he manages is a breathless, whispered "Yes."

Hotch smiles, somewhat wryly, and reaches out to brush a stray lock of fringe away from Reid’s face. The panic has retreated to the edges of Reid’s mind, and now as he gazes at Hotch the darkness around them is beautiful, and he’s no longer cold.

Hotch finally moves back; and as he does, Reid catches a glimpse of Eric, standing inside looking out at him through the glass panel that separates them, a devastated expression on his face.

Before Reid can think about his own reaction to that, Hotch takes his hand and pulls him away. Reid’s fingers automatically entwine with Hotch’s; they start walking down the street, and Reid doesn’t look back.


* * *


They don’t head back to the office; instead Hotch takes a left at the next junction and they stroll down a more deserted road, in the direction of a nearby park. Hotch has let go of Reid’s hand, but Reid doesn’t mind – Hotch’s presence there, by his side, is more than he could ever want.

"You never told us," Hotch speaks up, and Reid sees that his eyes are downcast.

Reid shrugs. "I didn’t see a need to make people think even less of me."

"You’ve seen enough to know that’s not true."

Reid considers this pensively.

"I guess I just wanted to leave it all behind. Have a fresh start. Move on." He pauses. "And working at the B.A.U. gave me a chance to do all of that, and I didn’t want to mess it up."

"If I had known," Hotch’s words are filled with heaviness, "I would never have done – what I did. Said those things. Hurt you."

"It’s not your fault," Reid assures him quickly. "It’s just part of the job."

Hotch shakes his head. "It should never be just about the job."

"Sometimes it has to be, you know?" Reid says, and he knows Hotch understands what he means.

They stop under a streetlight and Hotch turns to face Reid.

"I can’t take back what I did to you," he says quietly. "I wish I could, but – but I can’t."

Reid thinks back to that day they were held hostage in the hospital; he remembers Hotch’s voice when he said those terrible things to him, so cold and real that it made Reid cringe even though he knew it was a pretense. But now, he doesn’t feel any pain, and the only thing he can think is –

"I’m just glad it was you," Reid finds himself answering. "Not anyone else."

"But still," Hotch says, and Reid can hear the genuine regret in his voice, "I need you to know that I’m truly sorry."

Reid tilts his head, a self-deprecating curl on the edges of his lips.

"I’ll accept your apology if you accept my gratitude," he tells Hotch. "For what you did back there. With Eric."

There’s a flicker in Hotch’s eyes at the mention of Eric’s name, and his jaw tightens.

"I wasn’t going to let that smug bastard gloat," he says in a tone of steel. "He’s a piece of scum, Reid, you deserve much better than that."

Reid smiles wryly. "Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind."

They continue walking, side by side. The silence is comfortable, like a certain kind of shared understanding between them, and Reid feels happier than he’s ever felt in a long time.

Reid halts; he takes a deep breath and looks at Hotch.

"You know," he says, and then adds in a rush, "I wasn’t even pretending."

A smile curls on Hotch’s lips; he doesn’t say anything, but something in his eyes makes Reid think maybe, maybe that’s just Hotch’s way of saying, Neither was I.




- fin -

***