Title: I Need A Disguise
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Adam Jackson/Spencer Reid Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: PG-13
Author's Note: Spoilers for the Criminal Minds episode "Conflicted."
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Adam Jackson or Spencer Reid, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Spencer followed Adam back into their apartment, closing the door and turning expectantly toward the young man. Adam had made his way to the couch, sinking down onto it and covering his face with his hands, heaving a sigh that seemed to reverberate in the air.

Spencer went to the couch and sat down beside him, a frown creasing his forehead. "Adam, what's wrong? I know you don't really feel comfortable around a lot of people yet, but you can't avoid them. There are people everywhere. You can't stay inside all the time."

Adam shook his head, leaning back against the soft cushions and looking over at Spencer. "Maybe it was a bad idea for me to call you. I just .... I don't feel like I can go out without people staring at me. It's like every person out there knows what I used to be."

Spencer's frown deepened as he reached for Adam's hand, taking it in his and entwining the fingers. He squeezed the younger man's hand sympathetically, shaking his head. "Adam, nobody here knows about your past. Nobody but the BAU. And we're not going around telling people."

"I know .... I just ...." Adam closed his eyes, swallowing hard. "It's just hard to shake the feeling that every time somebody looks at me, they're judging me. That's how I felt in that mental hospital. Like I was being judged. I think that's one reason she .... left."

"You weren't being judged," Spencer said softly, wishing that he could change how Adam felt. "Everybody there wanted to help you, Adam. That's why you were sent there. You have to know that. Nobody wanted to hurt you. We only wanted to help."

Adam sighed softly, looking down at their entwined hands. "I know you did," he said softly, finally raising his head to look at Spencer. "I just can't help feeling like I need a disguise, Spencer. I don't want people to look at me. I don't want anybody to know what I used to be."

"That wasn't you, Adam," Spencer told him, his voice soft, but his tone strong and firm. "You aren't the same person as Amanda. That was an alternate personality that was completely different from who you are. You're not a killer. You're not like her."

"Amanda was a cold-blooded killer, but she was only trying to protect me," Adam said with another sigh. "I'm glad she's gone, and I don't want her to come back -- but at the same time, I feel sorry for her. In the end, she couldn't protect me. Not really."

"She protected you from your father, and that's the important thing," Spencer told him, wishing that he could bite off his tongue as soon as the words were out. The last thing he wanted to do was to remind Adam of the horrific abuse he'd suffered from his parent.

But Adam didn't freak out, as Spencer had half-expected him to. He merely shook his head, looking up at Spencer sadly. "No, she didn't. She tried, but she couldn't stop him. One thing I always knew about my dad. When he wanted something, he was going to get it."

Spencer couldn't help himself; even though he knew that it might not be the right thing to do under these circumstances, he reached for Adam, pulling the young man close against him. He almost expected Adam to push him away and jump up off of the couch.

But to his surprise, Adam snuggled into his embrace, resting his head against Spencer's shoulder, his own arms moving to encircle Spencer's waist. "He scared me so much," Adam whispered, gulping before he spoke again. "But you don't. I know you'd never hurt me."

"I never would," Spencer agreed, his voice a mere whisper. He could feel the hot tears wetting the fabric of his shirt; he held Adam closer, raising a hand to stroke the young man's hair. It was strange, but nothing had ever felt so right as having Adam in his arms.

"I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling like people are staring at me and judging me, like they're looking at me and seeing what I used to be," Adam told him, his voice choked with tears. "I know they don't, but I still feel like I'm being condemned."

"But you're not, Adam," Spencer told him, gathering the young man more closely into his embrace. He rested his cheek against the softness of Adam's dark hair, sure that he could feel his heart breaking inside his chest. He hated that Adam felt this way.

"I know I'm not, but that doesn't change how I feel," Adam murmured, raising his head to look at Spencer again. Spencer raised a hand to wipe away the tears on Adam's cheeks, unable to stop himself from leaning forward slightly and pressing his lips against the other man's.

The kiss was soft and gentle, the merest touch, almost as if butterfly wings were brushing against each other. Adam leaned into the kiss, his lips parting, a soft sigh coming from his throat. Spencer held him closer, intensifying the kiss without realizing he was doing so.

When they finally pulled away from each other, Adam stared at him, his eyes wide, one hand going to his lips as though he couldn't fathom what had just happened. Spencer smiled, pushing Adam's hair back out of his face, hoping that he hadn't shocked the young man.

"I would say that I didn't mean to kiss you, but that would be a lie," Spencer whispered, stroking soft fingertips down Adam's cheek. "I did want to kiss you, Adam. I don't want to bring back any bad memories, but .... I want to be with you."

"I want to be with you, too," Adam told him, his voice soft and shy. "I think a part of me has wanted that since we first met, back when -- when she was still a part of me and I didn't really know who I was yet," he murmured, looking down as though he couldn't face Spencer's gaze.

"I've been attracted to you ever since we met," Spencer admitted, feeling a little shy himself. "I couldn't say anything then -- but I hope it's something you're ready to hear now. When you asked for me after she left, I felt like it was a new beginning for us."

"That's how I felt about it, too," Adam said, his voice very soft and a little hesitant. "All I could think of was that with her gone, I might be able to be with you. But I never expected you to bring me here. I didn't think it could ever happen -- until it did."

"I wanted you with me when we first took you to that hospital," Spencer told him, sighing softly at the remembrance. "But Amanda had taken over then. I thought for a while that she might let you go -- but it took a much longer time for that to happen than I thought it would."

"I wanted her to leave," Adam whispered, his voice sounding choked and strained. "I wanted her to leave when you first took me to that hospital, because I was afraid that if she didn't, I'd never see you again. But I knew she wouldn't. She was too strong."

"But she eventually did leave, Adam. That's what you have to remember," Spencer said, stroking the other man's hair and hoping that Adam would stay calm. "She's not here any more, and she's not coming back. You're free of her."

"I guess it's because of her that I still feel like I need a disguise," Adam said, sounding thoughtful as he moved back from Spencer and raised a hand to wipe at his eyes. "I feel like so many people know that she was part of me, even though nobody knows but you guys."

"Nobody knows but us -- and we're not going to tell," Spencer assured him. "Why should we? Amanda is gone. There's no need to stir up bad memories, for you or for anybody else. You can go on with your life now, Adam. And I hope that means starting a new life here with me."

"Amanda was really the disguise, wasn't she?" Adam continued as though he hadn't heard Spencer's last words, his brow furrowed in thought. "She was trying to hide me, to protect me in her own way. But I don't need that disguise now. I can be who I really am."

"Yes, you can," Spencer said softly, his heart sinking. Maybe Adam didn't want to be with him, not in the same way that he wanted to be with the other man. Maybe Adam only needed a friend, not a lover. Maybe he was better off keeping his distance.

"I want to start a new life here in DC. With you," Adam told him, his gaze searching Spencer's face. "But I want you to be sure that you can deal with having me here. The real me, with no disguises. I'm not going to wear another one. Not now that she's gone."

"I want you exactly the way you are, Adam," Spencer told him, feeling as though his heart was swelling in his chest. "I want you, Adam Jackson, with all your faults and problems. And I hope you can accept all of my faults, too."

"You have faults?" Adam asked with a shaky laugh. Spencer laughed along with him, his own laughter sounding more rueful than Adam's did. He knew his own faults very well -- too well, really. He only hoped that to Adam, maybe they wouldn't seem like faults.

Maybe to Adam, all the things that other people found annoying wouldn't be so bad. He already knew that the young man in front of him had faults, but to him, they didn't seem so much faults as challenges that the two of them could overcome together.

"I sure do," he said, his voice still soft and gentle. "I hope you won't be too annoyed by them, though. And I hope you'll never feel like you have to wear a disguise again, Adam. With me, you don't need one. You just need to be yourself, and I'll take you as you are."

Adam reached for his hand, giving Spencer a smile that warmed his heart. As their fingers twined together again, he found himself hoping that they had started down a new path, one that they would be able to stay on and move steadily forward for the rest of their lives.

***