Title: Hero in My Eyes
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: PG-13
Table: writers_choice
Prompt: #278, Superhero
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Aaron Hotchner or Spencer Reid, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

"Finished with breakfast?" Aaron asked his son as Jack pushed his bowl of oatmeal away. The little boy nodded, picking up his glass of milk and draining what was left of it. "Okay then, you can go play outside. Just don't go out of the yard."

Spencer smiled as they watched the child bound out of the kitchen, picking up the empty bowl that Jack had left behind. "He's a good kid," he said softly, his eyes meeting Aaron's. "You don't have to worry about him, Aaron. He's going to be okay."

It wasn't the child who Spencer was worried about at the moment; it was his boyfriend. Aaron had been looking strained and anxious lately; Spencer knew that his lover had been kept away by nightmares, and that he had been pushing himself far too hard at work.

He wanted Aaron to talk to him about those things, but his boyfriend was steadfastly silent. It cut Spencer to the quick to know that Aaron didn't feel like he could talk about such problems with him; he wanted to help, but how could he if he wasn't allowed to try?

Maybe he couldn't help, he thought to himself as he carried the dirty dishes into the kitchen and slowly loaded them into the dishwasher. Maybe he was fooling himself to even think that he could help Aaron though the trauma that he was dealing with.

But he could at least try. And he was sure that having someone here by his side, someone who wasn't going to expect him to be the strong one, could do Aaron some good -- if only he would accept that help and stop trying to keep up that impassive facade.

It was easy to tell that his boyfriend's facade was cracking; Aaron was starting to fall apart, and he needed someone to help him stand tall and move past the trauma that was affecting him so badly. But he kept pushing everyone away, including Spencer.

How was he going to get through to his lover? Spencer didn't know the answer to that question; he'd asked it far too many times for comfort. The answer eluded him, no matter how many times the question was repeated over and over in his mind.

Now that Jack wasn't in the house and they had some time alone, even if the child was only playing out in the yard, he knew that it would be a good time to talk to Aaron about the nightmares, even if he didn't come up with any solutions to their problems.

Squaring his shoulders and taking a deep breath, Spencer went back into the dining room, to find Aaron slumped in his chair at the table, his head resting in his hands. He slowly moved to his boyfriend's side, placing a hand on Aaron's shoulder and squeezing gently.

"Talk to me, Aaron," he said softly, hoping that his words would get through to his boyfriend. "I've been feeling like you're building a wall between us because you won't talk to me about whatever's bothering you. Maybe I can't fix it, but I can at least listen."

Aaron raised his head, giving Spencer a wan smile. "You know what's bothering me. I know that I need to move past it, but that's easier said than done." He cast a glance towards the back yard, where they could both see Jack playing on the jungle gym.

"What's he going to think of me if he ever finds out?" Aaron whispered, closing his eyes and swallowing hard before he spoke again. "I used to be his hero, Spencer. He used to think I was invulnerable. And I keep telling myself that he should keep thinking that."

"Children need heroes in their lives -- and it's always good if those heroes can be their parents," Spencer agreed, nodding. "But it's also good for him to know that you're not perfect, Aaron. He shouldn't have to feel like he has to live up to some example you set."

"I don't want him to feel like he has to live up to anything," Aaron sighed, shaking his head. "I'm not the best example of someone to be like, am I? I can't move past one event in my life. I don't ever want my son to be like that. I want him to be strong."

"You are strong," Spencer told him, sitting down across the table from his lover and fixing his gaze on the other man. "You're just letting this one thing get to you too much. You should talk to a therapist, Aaron. Maybe that would help."

But Aaron shook his head, frowning at Spencer. "No, I don't think it would. I'm not comfortable talking to a therapist about something like this. I have to work it out for myself." His voice was implacable; Spencer knew that it was no use trying to convince him otherwise.

At least, not now. Maybe he would change his mind later, and be more amenable to talking through his problems instead of trying to internalize them and deal with them himself. Aaron had to realize that what he was doing would only make things worse in the long run.

"I used to think that I was some kind of superhero," Aaron whispered, his gaze focused on the wall behind Spencer, as though he was seeing into the past, looking at something that wasn't really there. "But now .... I've been incapacitated by kryptonite."

Spencer almost wanted to smile at the reference; he knew that Jack loved Superman comics, and that he drew parallels between what his father did with the BAU and the caped superhero. "But the hero always recovers from being knocked out," he said softly, watching Aaron closely.

"In the comics, he does," Aaron agreed with another wan smile. "But real life is different, isn't it? The hero doesn't always catch the bad guys in the end, no matter how hard he tries. And even if he does, there are still ways for the bad guys to win."

"No, there aren't." Spencer reached out to take Aaron's hand in his, entwining their fingers and holding on tightly. "They don't win, Aaron. They only win if you let them. That's what you're doing now, and you have to stop it. You let Foyet win if you dwell on what he did."

"I keep telling myself that, but it's impossible to just put it out of my mind," Aaron told him, his voice thick with emotion. "I try to forget. I try to convince myself that I have to just let it go. But I can't do that, Spencer. I can't be that much of a superhero."

"You don't have to be a hero," Spencer whispered, his heart aching. How he wished that he could stop Aaron's pain, wave a magic wand and make it go away. But he couldn't. Aaron had to be willing to put that pain aside before anyone could help him to walk away from it.

"I need to be a hero to my son," Aaron told him, his voice hoarse. "I always have been, Spencer. He's dressed up as me for Halloween. He's looked up to me. He's turned me into a G-Man who puts the bad guys away. I have to keep living up to that, in his eyes."

"The good guys can't always win if the bad guys still have the kryptonite," Spencer said softly, hoping that his words would get through to his lover. "You can take that kryptonite away, Aaron. You just have to refuse to let Foyet have the kind of power over you any more."

"I don't want to let him have that power," Aaron told him, lifting haunted eyes to meet Spencer's gaze. "But it's hard not to, Spencer. He's holding that kryptonite out towards me, even though he's gone now. And I still feel .... helpless. Paralyzed."

"You don't have to feel that way," Spencer told him, squeezing his lover's hand. "You can't let that go on. You have to fight it, Aaron. You have to try to put what he did behind you. If you don't, then you're going to fall apart sooner or later. Even a superhero has limits."

"I want to be a hero to everyone around me," Aaron admitted, the words coming out as though they were dragged from the depths of his being. "Maybe not to my team, because they know all too well that I'm fallible. But to the people who mean the most to me."

"You'll always be my hero," Spencer told him, his voice barely a whisper. "And I'm sure that you'll always be Jack's hero, too. It doesn't matter if you might stumble and fall sometimes, Aaron. You'll always be a hero in our eyes. I don't think you ever have to doubt that."

Aaron bowed his head, his fingers tightened around Spencer's. The young man hoped that he'd somehow managed to get through to the man he loved; he could sense Aaron falling apart right in front of him, and he'd never felt so helpless in his life.

Whatever happened, he was going to see Aaron through this, Spencer told himself firmly. It might be an uphill battle, but he knew that once they got to the top, running down the other side would be easy. And when they did, he hoped that the descent would be painless.

***