Title: Everything I Need
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Spencer Reid
Fandom: Doctor Who/Criminal Minds
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1, letter100
Prompt: 89, Need
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Spencer Reid, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

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Dear Doctor,

I'm kind of embarrassed to write this to you, because I should probably be saying it instead. But you know how I get when I have to talk about things that make me uncomfortable. I stammer and get all tongue-tied, and the words don't come out right.

Besides, saying this to your face would only make me more embarrassed about the whole situation. I hate that you had to see me like that, and I hate that I was so weak and gave in to a craving that I should have been able to push away from me a long time ago.

You don't see it like that, I know. But I do. Even with all of my training at the BAU, and knowing that drug addiction isn't something that's easy to get past, I feel like I should have been able to kick it a lot easier than I did.

It's not that easy to throw off an addiction. I know that. I always have. I never thought that I'd be the person who needed to kick an addiction; but then, I never thought that I'd be kidnapper and tortured by a crazy man, either.

I never really understood what drove addicts until I became one myself. I never really got the whole concept of how they could need drugs. I'd always felt like it was a conscious choice they made, that they could kick the addiction if they wanted to.

It took falling into that trap myself to realize that the need is real. It's something that's always with me, even when it's not front and center. I'm never going to be completely "cured," and I know that. I'll always be a recovering addict.

Do you really want to spend your life -- or I guess I should say my life -- with somebody like that? You could do so much better than spending your time with a weak human. And don't protest and tell me that I'm not weak. I know I am.

If I wasn't weak, I'd have been able to fight Hankel for longer than I did. I might still have given in by the end -- I doubt I'd have had a choice -- but I wouldn't have sat there and let him turn me into what I've become. And yes, I feel like he did that.

I don't want you to feel like I hate myself. I don't. I know that I'm a weak human being, and that people give in to addictions. Even little ones like being addicted to smoking, or to coffee. So giving in to what was forced on me isn't something I have to be ashamed of.

It's not the fact that I gave in to the addiction. It's the fact that the need is still with me, and that it always will be. I can't force that need to go away; it's always going to be in the back of my psyche, just waiting to jump out at me.

And I don't want you to deal with somebody who's always got something got that lurking in the shadows of the person they are. But at the same time, I don't want to lose you because of that. I feel like I'm torn between being selfish and wanting to do what's right for you.

There's one thing that's keeping me from telling you to take me back to Earth and letting you find some person who's more worthy to be with you. Well, more than one thing, really, but there's just the one consideration that overrides everything else.

I need you even more than I need the drugs. I need to be with you, to know that there's somebody in the world who cares enough about me to stand by me through all this, even with the cravings coming back in the way they do, and even with all of my problems.

Sometimes I think that's just another weakness I have. But when I try to look at it realistically, I don't see it like that. You're not my weakness, Doctor. You're my strength. Being with you is what makes me feel like I can kick this addiction.

If I was back on Earth, I'd be back to who I was before. I'd be going through every day doing my job, with my friends around me, and I'd feel like I was doing something good for the world. But I'd essentially be just existing -- not really living.

I need you in my life. I need to be able to look at you and know that I'm in a relationship not because the other person is in awe of my mind, or because they admire it, but because they love me and they want to be with me for who I am.

And I need you in a more gritty, physical way, too. I need to be able to hold you and kiss you and touch you and make love to you. I need to have that kind of physical grounding and to know that you want me in the same kind of way.

That need is a lot more powerful than the drugs could ever be. You're my drug, Doctor. You're like an addiction that I don't want to get over. You've taken me over, body and soul, and made me crave you in a way that no drug ever could.

There are people who might say that's co-dependent, and that I shouldn't love you so much and depend on you in the way that I do. But I don't see it as co-dependency. I see it as being truly in love for the first time in my life, and feeling completely connected to the person I love.

You've filled a need that I've always had inside me -- a need to be loved and accepted. Even though I was accepted as a friend by the people in the BAU, I never found anyone to love me in the way that I needed them to when I was on Earth.

But with you, I've found everything I need. And I know that with your help, I'll eventually push aside the cravings that hit me sometimes. It's not going to be easy, but I'll do it. I need to put those cravings behind me and get them out of my life.

And I need your help to do that. I need you more than I've ever needed anything or anyone in my life. I'll admit that I'm a little embarrassed to admit to that kind of need, but I shouldn't be, should I? After all, loving somebody isn't a weakness, it's a strength.

I'm not going to let myself feel inadequate because I need you. I don't have to, because I know you don't see that need as me being weak. I'm just going to take your hand and let myself accept your help and your love, and be grateful that I've got it.

Love always,

Spencer

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