Title: Midnight Confessions
By: carinascott
Rating: FRAO
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Reid/Morgan pre-slash
Spoilers: Profiler, Profiled
Summary: Morgan needs to talk, and Spencer is more than willing to listen.
Author's note: I wrote this fic over a year ago, but I reworked it over the last few days and changed a few of the scenes in the fic slightly. So, I thought I'd post the reworked fic. Also, this fic can be easily read as friendship, but when I wrote it I was intending it to be pre-slash.

***

Spencer Reid wakes with a start. Yawning widely, he looks around the dark room in search of what woke him. Just as he is about to doze of once more, he hears it again.

It sounds almost like a wounded animal...or maybe...someone crying?

Shaking his head, Reid almost laughs. He wasn't crying, so that would only leave Morgan, his roommate for this trip, as the other option. Derek Morgan does not cry.

Or maybe he does, because Spencer can almost swear he hears the faint sounds of sobbing, being muffled by a pillow. Sitting up slowly, so as not to startle Derek in case he actually is the source, Spencer blinks rapidly trying to let his eyes adjust to the semi-darkness of the room. The thin stream of moonlight through the curtains provides just enough light too see around the room, even if not too clearly.

After a few moments, his eyes finally adjust and he looks over to the bed Derek is sleeping in. What he sees breaks his heart.
Morgan's back is to him, so Spencer can't really see much as far as his face goes. But he has been a profiler for far too long, and the knowledge of human behavior goes beyond the mind, and is very much in the way people move as well. Sometimes, posture can give away more than facial expression ever could.

Derek is definitely the source of the noises that woke him. His back is rigid, muscles taught and strained as he fights to hold the heart-wrenching sobs in. From where Spencer sits, it looks as if Derek is hugging a pillow tightly, face half buried in it. He is rocking, however slight, constantly, as if he can't keep from moving.

Spencer is at a loss for what to do. He knows without a doubt what has brought this on. Their current case has brought them to New Orleans, in search of a serial pedophile that the locals have been unable to catch. They spent the entire day working on the case, and no real breaks had come through. Derek had taken it harder than everyone else had had, which is understandable, given his history. But Spencer hadn't realized just how much the case had affected him. Is affecting him.

Or maybe he just doesn't want to think about it.

Cursing himself for this selfish oversight, Spencer slides off the bed onto the empty floor between his and Derek's bed. Crawling the short distance, he stops and looks at the strong man before him. Given Derek's state, Spencer doesn't think that standing over Morgan's bed in the middle of the night is a very good idea.

Before he realizes what he's doing, he reaches across the empty space and places a sleep-warmed hand on the cool, taught back of his friend.

He could kick himself for not thinking before acting as he watches Derek scramble away from him in horror, hearing the yelp of surprise and fear almost echo in the quiet room.

"Dammit Reid! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?!" Morgan yells as he wipes at his wet face.

"I'm so sorry, Derek! I didn't mean to startle you," Spencer stands up and sits back on his bed, rubbing his hands together as the stress of the situation seems to grow within him. He's never been any good at things like this.

"You didn't...well you did," Derek concedes, "but its okay."

The two men sit in silence for several long moments and Spencer tries to think of something to say as he ignores the stranglehold Derek seems to have on the pillow in his arms.

"I couldn't sleep."

Spencer is startled out of his thoughts at the weary and strangely unfamiliar voice that floats through the air from a man he's grown so close to over the last year.

"Keep dreaming about Carl. All those boys after me. All the ones before."

Spencer doesn't say anything, doesn't know what to say. Really, doesn't think there is anything he can say to make things better. Hell, he's not even sure that Derek realizes its him he's talking to. Even so, he knows Derek probably needs to talk, needs a sounding board for whatever demons have plagued him this night. If nothing else, he can do that, be that for his friend. So he sits and listens to Derek as he purges his demons.

"The worst thing about the whole thing isn't the abuse, it's the guilt. The abuse is bad. Its worse than bad. But with time and distance, it's possible to move past that. To bury the memories. I did it for a long time. But the guilt? Man, the guilt is always there. You can't ignore it. You can't bury it. It's always there, casting a shadow on everything you do. Dirtying every happy moment with its filth."

Spencer didn't say anything, but he understood what Derek meant. He'd never been in Derek's situation, but he understood plenty about guilt.

"What Carl did to me? I know I didn't ask for it. Didn't deserve it. But that doesn't stop me from feeling guilty. Doesn't take away the pain and disgust I feel when I think about all the boys that I could've saved if I'd just spoken up. Spoken out. But then – then I think about the boys that came before me. And I know there had to be some. I think about them and I hate them. With everything in me, I hate them. For not speaking up. For not telling someone. For not saving me. And how sick is that? How selfish can I be? Because I know that there's someone, probably more than one someone, out there thinking and feeling the same way about me. Blaming me for my part in the abuse they suffered because I was too afraid to tell someone what was happening to me."

"Then I think about Carl. And I hate him. I hate him more than words can express. But there's this part of me, a small part, but it's still there. There's a piece of me that loves him. He filled a void in my life, Reid. I was empty, angry, and lost after my father died. When Carl came along, he started to fill that empty place in my heart and I know at some point in my life I truly did love him. Maybe that's what makes it so unbearable. How do you love the person that molested you? How sick can I be for feeling that way?"

By this time, Spencer heart physically aches for the pain Derek is in, and he manfully wipes away the few stray tears that have managed to escape his control. It takes a few moments before he feels stable enough to speak, but before he does, he climbs off of his bead and goes to sit next to Derek, being sure to leave plenty of space between them so that Derek doesn't feel crowded.

"Derek, there is nothing wrong with you. I hate Carl. I hate what he did to you, and I can't understand everything you went through or everything you feel because of it. But I do understand this much. Carl wasn't all bad. There were times when he was the father figure you needed and the friend you needed. He was there for you. That's the part that you love. Your heart aches for the good you saw in him. But he wasn't all good, and that's where the guilt comes in. You can't blame yourself for that; Carl owns that guilt; owns that demon. You didn't ask for it, and you didn't deserve it. You are not to blame. Maybe it took you longer than you liked, but there is a difference between you and the ones before you. You came back. You told the truth. You saved more boys than you can even imagine. And you put him away. Just like this guy that's out there right now. We'll catch him. You have to trust me on that."

Spencer watches Derek's face, and for a moment he wishes he could turn on a light so he can see him better. But he knows that will do more harm than good. Derek obviously needs the safety this cloak of darkness is providing, and Spencer will respect that.

They sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes, and Spencer sighs in relief as he watches Morgan place the pillow back at the head of the bed.

"I do, you know."

"You do what?" Spencer asks, looking over at Morgan, voice almost a whisper.

"I do trust you."

Spencer smiles in the darkness, his heart soaring at his friend's words. "I'm happy to hear that. I trust you too."

"I'm sleepy."

Spencer almost laughs at the child-like bluntness with which Derek speaks, watching as Morgan yawns widely. "Yeah, me too."

Spencer stands up to go to his own bed when he feels a hand on his shoulder. He turns to his side to find Derek standing there next to him. Before he can resist, not that he would, he feels strong arms around him as Derek pulls him into a hug.
"Thanks for letting me talk and really listening to what I was saying."

Spencer watches as Derek climbs into bed, settling himself underneath the blankets.

"Yeah, sure...um, you're welcome." Spencer answers awkwardly, Derek's gratitude throwing him a little off balance. Spencer climbs into his own bed and settles in to sleep. Looking across to the other bed, noticing that Derek no longer has his back turned to him, Spencer smiles.

Apparently Morgan no longer feels the need or desire to hide, at least not from Reid. This, more than anything, allows Spencer to slip into a deep and comfortable sleep.

THE END

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