Title: A World Without Love
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Will LaMontagne/Ethan Delacroix
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Will LaMontagne or Ethan Delacroix, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

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Ethan stretched out under the covers, sighing contentedly as he did so. This was the first morning in a long time that he'd awakened next to a lover, and he wanted to enjoy every second of it. He felt warm and somnolent, happy in a way that he hadn't been in ages.

Had he fallen in love after just one night? It was hard to believe that of himself; he'd always been a man who held back his emotions, who kept his feelings guarded and rarely ever let them out. He'd learned the hard way that to do so was only to invite pain and heartbreak.

It was too late to avoid that if Will only wanted a brief fling, or a one-night stand, Ethan though, holding back a sigh. He was already in love; he'd fallen faster than he had ever dreamed he could, but he didn't regret it in the least. He could never regret falling so quickly for Will.

He'd never met anyone like the man who now lay beside him; he wanted this night to grow into a relationship, one that would last for the rest of their lives. Now that he'd fallen head over heels, he didn't want to let Will go, didn't want to go back to the empty life he'd been leading.

He had been living for so long in a world that felt like a vacuum, as though he was floating in nothingness, that he'd almost gotten used to it. There were some parts of his life that he enjoyed, though, so he couldn't say that he felt his life was being wasted.

He loved his music, Ethan told himself with a smile. He had no regrets about leaving Quantico years ago to come here to New Orleans; he'd made the right decision for himself by sticking with his music. It had always meant more to him than that childhood dream of being a G-Man.

That life suited his friend Spencer Reid, but it had never really fit him. He'd thought that it would, but he'd been wrong -- and walking away from the doorway that would have led him into that life had been the best thing he could have done. No, he hadn't made the wrong decision there.

But he'd made other decisions in his life that hadn't been so good for him. He had a talent for getting involved with the wrong men, men who cared nothing for him other than in the physical sense -- men who had used him and then thrown him away as though he was nothing but garbage.

For a long time, he'd started to think of himself on their terms. Ethan's fists clenched at the memory; he had gone through a period of his life when he'd shut himself away, trying not to deal with people other than in the most impersonal of ways.

That had lasted for a year or so, until he'd begun to realize that he didn't have to let what a few ex-lovers had thought of him shape the rest of his life. He had shut those memories away, walking away from them, refusing to let them dictate how he was going to live his life.

In the year or so since then, he'd had a few lovers here and there, but he'd learned his lesson about letting anyone get too close to him. He'd always kept everyone at arm's length, even men who had seemed as though they were interested in developing a relationship with him.

Those times when he had felt as though he was worthless because of the things ex-lovers had said to him had taken their toll. He'd closed himself off, forced himself to live in a world without love for far too long. He'd kept himself behind walls of his own making, hiding himself away.

That world had been very lonely to live in, and for a long time now Ethan had thought that he would always exist within that cocoon of loneliness. He'd started to think that he would never be able to find anyone who could love him in the way he wanted -- and that he would never love anyone else.

Not that he had loved those few people who had been the impetus for him building such high, impenetrable emotional walls around himself. They were nothing to him; he couldn't really even remember their names or their faces. But they'd had an effect on his life nonetheless.

Ethan closed his eyes, drawing in a deep breath and resolutely pushing those thoughts away. He didn't have to live in a world without love any more. He didn't have to feel that his life was devoid of caring, other than on those rare occasions, a night here and there, when he dared to reach out.

That wasn't real caring, he told himself. That wasn't love; it wasn't even close. It was just a mutual assuaging of physical needs, something that he could be thankful for, but not something that he wanted to spend the rest of his life doing.

What he had with Will felt like love -- but he couldn't be sure that it was until he'd talked to Will and asked point-blank how his lover felt about him, could he? And that was something that he was terrified to do. He didn't want to know. He didn't want to take that risk.

Will would have to be the one to say the words first. And if it took him a long time to say them -- or if they stayed together for a while and he never did -- then Ely pushingthan wasn't going to say them, either. He couldn't bring himself to put his heart on the line. Not again. Not this time.

There was too much at stake this time. With the people he'd had brief flings or one-night stands with in the past, it wouldn't have mattered if they had turned away, or told him that they didn't love him. His heart wouldn't have imploded into itself, shattering into an untold number of myriad pieces.

It was different with Will. He'd broken his cardinal rule -- the one of not letting himself think past one night, not letting his heart become involved. It was already far too late for that. Maybe it had been too late when Will had first looked at him and smiled.

He hadn't been able to stop his heart from turning somersaults in his chest; if he could have stooped it, he would have. He knew all about how dangerous it was to lose his heart; he'd only done it twice before, and both times, he'd ended up bitterly regretting those emotions.

This time would be different, he told himself, hoping that was the truth. He wanted to believe that he and Will shared something special, that his would only be the first night of the rest of their lives together. He wanted to stop living in a world without love.

But to be sure of those feelings, he would have to know how Will felt -- and he didn't feel that he could bring that subject up. Not now, not on their first morning together. He would have to wait, and there was no telling how long that waiting might end up being.

Will was worth waiting for, he thought with a smile. He would wait for as long as it took, if it meant that this man would fall just as deeply in love with him as he'd already fallen in love with Will. Knowing that Will loved him would be a happiness that was worth any wait.

Ethan smiled to himself as Will's arms tightened around his waist; his lover was awake, and that meant that their first day together could start. He wasn't going to let himself think that Will might want him to go, that he might have only wanted a one-night stand.

He rolled over onto his back, opening his eyes to gaze up at Will. The other man propped himself up on both elbows, smiling down at Ethan, reaching out a hand to tousle his hair. "Good morning, beautiful," Will whispered, his voice soft and tender, his smile making Ethan's heart turn over.

No one could look at him like that and not care about him. Will's face wasn't the face of a man who had only wanted a one-night stand and wished he would leave; Will's expression was full of love and tenderness, his handsome features suffused with emotion.

Ethan reached out a hand to stroke gentle fingertips down Will's cheek, smiling as he did so. "Good morning," he managed to murmur, his voice very soft and a little breathless. "I hope you slept as well as I did. It's been a long time since there was another person sleeping beside me."

"Me too," Will answered with another soft smile. "But I liked it." He wrapped his arms around Ethan's waist, turning over onto his side and pulling Ethan close to him. "No, I didn't just like it," he murmured against Ethan's hair. "I loved it. It's been too long since I felt that way."

"I love you," Ethan blurted out, startled at his own words. Even as they tumbled out, he wanted to pull them back in, to unsay them -- but that wasn't possible. His feelings were out there in the open now, hovering between the two of them, waiting for an answer from Will.

He expected Will to frown and pull away, to shake his head, to take away the comfort of his arms. But to his surprise, Will did none of those things. He simply kept smiling down at Ethan, those strong arms tightening around his waist, the words he finally spoke so soft they were almost inaudible.

"I was hoping you felt the same way I did," he murmured, bowing his head to brush a soft, gentle kiss across Ethan's parted lips. "I didn't want to say anything, because I thought it might be jumping the gun. You didn't seem like the kind of guy who believed in love at first sight."

"I am," Ethan managed to whisper, feeling as though his throat was going to close up and prevent him from speaking at any moment. This was overwhelming; it was more than he could ever have dreamed of. Will felt the same way he did. Didn't he? That was what it seemed like.

"It's never been easy for me to tell people I love them," Will continued, his voice still very soft. "Especially if it's somebody I've just met. It always feels like it's too soon, no matter when I say it. But since you said it first, I'm saying it now. Ethan, I love you. I know it seems quick, but --"

Ethan shook his head, raising a hand to press a finger against Will's lips. "It's not too soon," he whispered, his voice unsteady. "I think I might have fallen in love with you from the first time I looked at you. I don't usually believe in love at first sight, but now I do."

"So do I," Will told him, his smile growing wider. He bent his head to kiss Ethan again, this meeting of their lips much longer and more passionate than the last gentle kiss. When he finally raised his head again, they were both panting, their gazes locked, their bodies tense.

"It's not just the physical side of things," Will said, his voice slightly breathless. "It's everything, Ethan. I love you, not just making love to you. But I've got to admit, that part is great, too," he added, moving one hand slowly down Ethan's side.

Ethan nodded, unable to catch his breath for a moment. Will's touch was unhinging him, making him feel like throwing caution to the winds. "I think we've got a lot to build on," he murmured, trying to keep his voice measured and even. "It's more than just desire."

"A lot more." Will's voice was soft and gentle, his gaze loving as he stared into Ethan's eyes. "And I think we should start building on that right now. We've already got a lot to start with -- more than most people have. Let's start working our way up from that foundation."

"I couldn't agree more," Ethan sighed as their lips met again. There would be no more living in a world without love, no more hiding himself away behind barriers. He was ready to open himself up to the all the possibilities of love -- and this time, it seemed that love was exactly what he had found.

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