Title: Amnesia
By: Ericalynn
Fandom: CSI: Vegas
Character(s): Nick Stokes
Rating: R
Warning: Adult themes, mentions of N/C, spoilers for multiple seasons
Summary: There are just some things we wish we could forget . . .
A/N: This was written on a crappy day when I too wish like Nick had said, "I wish I had selective amnesia because there are some things in my past I'd love to forget."

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He hadn't been lying when he had said there were some things from his past he wished he could forget. How convenient would it be to remember only bliss and happiness, forgetting sorrow and pain and misery? What kind of man would he be today if his mind had been wiped clean of those horrid moments? He couldn't say for sure, but he knew one thing; he wouldn't be the same.

He would erase the feeling of hands holding him down and the sickly sweet scent of perfume drifting down on him. He would forget her voice and the path her hands took as they claimed his body for their own. There would be no more shame, no more secrets revealed in the darkest hours of the night when memories returned. He wouldn't be Nick Stokes, molested by his babysitter. He would just be happy.

He would erase the trill of panic that sung through his body every time he heard a gunshot. He wouldn't remember the fear of having that gun barrel trained on his head, ready to take his life. He wouldn't remember the look in Grissom's eyes, relief mingled with disappointment. No more shame or unsteady hands when it came to drawing his weapon. He would be deadly accurate and proud.

There wouldn't be the nightly walk-through of his house, no jumping at the creaking floorboards or the eerie silence that permeated the air. He wouldn't remember Nigel Crane wearing his clothes and pointing the gun. He wouldn't remember the pain he went through just to prolong his life for a few more seconds until help could arrive. There would be no dead body in his living room, no glancing over his shoulder, no suspicion of the shadows. He would calm and collected and certain.

And he wouldn't freak out in elevators or crawl spaces. He wouldn't get lost in memories when he looked too closely at the walls of the lab. He wouldn't shudder in revulsion every time he stepped into Grissom's office. He wouldn't feel the ants crawling over him, biting him, eating him alive, in the middle of the night. His friend's wouldn't look at him with that pitying compassion they had adopted. They wouldn't watch him, walk on eggshells around him, and make excuses for him. He wouldn't need to prove himself repeatedly, and he most certainly wouldn't be angry all the time. There would be no 'I almost killed myself' thoughts, no last goodbyes recorded forever on a tape in the evidence locker, no more brokenness. He would be fine. Happy. Proud. Accurate. Calm. Cool. Collected. Certain. He would be the Nicky Stokes everyone loved and remembered and wished they had back.

No, he most certainly hadn't been lying when he had said there were some things from his past he wished he could forget. How convenient it would be to remember only bliss and happiness, forgetting sorrow and pain and misery. What kind of man would he be today if his mind had been wiped clean of those horrid moments? He couldn't say for sure, but he knew one thing; he wouldn't be the same. No, he wouldn't be strong, wouldn't be able to stare unflinchingly at a gun barrel, and wouldn't be able to say he was a survivor. The things he would love to forget make the man. He may not be all he wished he was, but he was Nick Stokes, CSI. And damn proud of it.