Title: Breathless
By: Caster
Pairing: Nick/David
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Takes place during Pirates of the Third Reich.

***

It started out as sex. Just sex, nothing else. David supposed it was a matter of convenience for Nick, because David never asked any questions, worked the same hours, and was gone when Nick woke up. That's all it could be; Nick was a gorgeous creature who could have anyone he wanted. In all seriousness, why would he choose David for a committed relationship? He was halfway decent looking if you asked the right people, but was he open? Romantic? Was he even nice?

David tried not to ruminate over these things. It only served to sink him even deeper, make him want what he couldn't have: an honest relationship with Nick. It was what he always craved, even from the very beginning. Now he had something like it, a resemblance, the ghost of what he yearned for.

He just wished he had Nick.

David paused as he heard someone ring the doorbell. He remained undetached as he checked the oven clock; this was usually the time Nick stopped by after work to… well, blow off some steam. David loved that he was the one Nick came to and the sex was equally as satisfying, but that's where David's pleasure ran dry. He didn't want to admit to his growing misery: the way Nick left right after he thought David was asleep. (In reality, David was wide awake and wondering when he was going to break things off.) He hated how numb he felt when women flirted with Nick on the job. He wanted to die whenever Nick accepted invitations to breakfast –bed?- with someone else, leaving David to feel like a worthless whore used only as a last resort.

But the worst part was the way Jacqui seemed to understand his anguish. Indeed, she was the only one who even knew about the "relationship", often saying David, this isn't good for you. Tell him it's over. David wanted to, because Archie, Bobby, Greg… they were all starting to notice something was wrong.

The bell rung again.

As much as David hated himself for it, he was at the door in a flash. When would Nick stop having this effect over him? Soon. Maybe even today. Maybe today, David would finally tell him off, make him find someone else to use. A line a mile long was waiting for the chance and it was only fair.

Perhaps he'd become his old self again (Jacqui would stop worrying), start enjoying time spent with his friends once more, and stop torturing himself over Texan CSIs. Jacq was right. This… thing was unhealthy and David hadn't felt this bad since he left Los Angel-

Oh.

David had opened the door, ready to free himself, but his determination dissipated the moment his eyes landed on Nick. The man looked trodden, hollow. David's mind immediately reverted back to their previous shift; he had caught a few details from Wendy, but work was hectic and they couldn't really talk. He did, however, know that Nick and Warrick spent their entire time in the desert. What the hell did they find out there?

"Nick."

"Hey David. Can I…?"

"Like you have to ask," David replied, stepping back to allow entry.

Nick shot him an uncertain smile and stepped inside, twisting a gray bandana in his hands as David quietly closed and locked the door behind him.

This was bad.

They stood there for a moment, cloaked in heavy silence, Nick staring at the rug while David stared at the wall. What was going on? Should he ask about the case or just go ahead and… get things started? Hell, maybe Nick needed a drink first. He wished he could read people better, wished he knew what Nick wanted.

"Can we talk?"

Ah. Perhaps Nick sensed that David needed a clue and offered one: the other man wanted to talk. David nodded before joining him on the couch. Talk, huh? That was always the worst word to hear.

"Sure. What is it?"

"I've been meaning to discus something with you," Nick replied, looking uncomfortable as he continued to pull at the bandana. David's stomach bottomed out. So this was how it was going to be? Nick was going to end things? David hoped his expression wasn't giving him away, but fuck this hurt. It was a deep, gnawing pain that went from his scalp to his toes. This was supposed to be easy. Effortless. No strings attached. When had it changed?

It felt like this when we first started. You knew it would be this way, but you thought something was better than nothing and now you're going to end up with nothing anyway. Brilliant, David. Fucking genius.

"Shoot."

"Okay," Nick slowly replied. "Okay. Um… what we've been doing has been great."

Subtle. David felt his heart still and his hands clench into agonized fists.

"And I really like you."

When had his dream become Nick?

Since you first saw him three years ago. Two months ago, he asked you out for drinks. You thought the entire team was going to be there –you thought they were starting to include you- but it was only him.

Remember how shocked you were? Then you were scared then excited then nervous.

He asked you to his place afterwards.

You knew what this was.

"But I don't think-''

"Stop."

Nick glanced up, surprised, but fell silent.

You knew but continued this anyway. Now you have to be a man and deal with it.

"Just… stop and listen to me. I'm going to make this easy for you," David continued, praying he could channel some strength from somewhere. Wouldn't it be easier to just beg Nick not to go? Sure. But David had his pride –too much of it, sometimes- and he had been meaning to do this since the first night. No matter how much David wanted something, he wouldn't take it unless it was offered. He never asked. He never begged. He'd rather be alone than be vulnerable, and unless Nick offered to stay, David had no intention of inviting him to.

"Easy for me?" Nick echoed. "I don't…"

"I'd prefer to just get it over with, so I'm telling you right now that you can walk out and I won't make things difficult. Work will be work. We'll exchange pleasantries in the break room. I'll run your evidence without being pissed and sticking it in the bottom of the pile. Easy, right?"

But instead of the relief David was expecting, Nick looked shocked and a bit panicked. David was, of course, slightly puzzled, because this was where Nick was supposed to smile and say "Thanks" and "It's been fun" and all that other crap. He wasn't supposed to look like his dog just died. He wasn't supposed to make this harder than it had to be. David had done his part; why in the world wasn't Nick doing his?

"You want to end this?" Nick asked, uncertainty and alarm lacing his voice. David blinked.

"Don't you? I thought that's what you were going to say."

"No, I- what gave you that idea?"

David arched an eyebrow. " 'What we've been doing is great and I really like you, but I don't think…' I got the impression, Nick. I'm not stupid."

"I never said you were. I was going to say that I couldn't do this anymore," Nick continued, gesturing between him and David with his hand.

"This? You mean sleep with me?" David snapped, rising from his couch to go… where? He inwardly sighed. Well, he couldn't sit. He needed to pace, at least. Get rid of the stress. "Fuck, Nick. Christ, I'm giving you a free pass out of here and all you can do is throw it back at me. 'I can't do this anymore.' You can't waste your time with me? You can't live with yourself knowing you shared a bed with me? If I disgust you then why did you even start this? Because you knew I'd whore myself out?"

"Whore yourself-?"

"Tell you what. Why don't you get out of my house and find yourself some Texas girl who'll smile and agree with everything you say. That ought to make up for the two miserable months you spent with me," David hissed before turning and storming into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. What the hell had just happened? He gave Nick an easy ticket. Why hadn't he taken it? I can't do this anymore.

That… hurt. It tore at him, made him feel like someone was cutting him with an invisible knife. The only thing missing was the blood. This, as if Nick had been doing him some sort of favor and finally tired of it. David sighed and flopped onto his bed, sitting on the edge and resting his forehead in his hands. He'd flown off the handle and now he felt drained. He always thought that those songs about hearts being torn apart were bull, because the heart was just an organ. It pumped blood and had nothing to do with love and yet… David could somehow relate. His chest hurt where his heart should be and he idly wondered if Nick took that invisible knife and cut it out.

Two months. It feels like two years. How could you let this happen? You knew you were being used and didn't care. You just wanted to be with Nick, just once, regardless of the consequences.

Now look what you've done.

Why didn't you just say no?

Because you never wanted anything so much as you wanted this.

David heard the door open, but it didn't register until he felt the bed sink next to him. The body felt warm against David and in the corner of his right eye, he could see the gray bandana.

"There was a case today," Nick whispered. David wanted to tell him to leave, never come back, but Nick's voice sounded so shattered that he had no choice but to listen. "And it was so… horrific. I couldn't stop thinking about you, thinking about what I would do if that guy somehow got a hold of you. There were these twins sewn together and one of them died and I just… I don't know. I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for being the way I am. Now I know, y'know?"

"I don't know, that's the point," David replied. Why was his voice so empty? "You have to explain it to me. I can't keep guessing."

"When I said I couldn't do 'this' anymore, I meant that I couldn't pretend sleeping together didn't mean anything. It means a lot to me."

"And what about the girls you go out with, Nick? You think I don't know about them?"

"It was breakfast, nothing else."

"Why the hell not? It's not like you had to be monogamous. We agreed to keep it…"

"Simple?"

David felt his lips twist into a bitter smile. "Simple," he confirmed.

"No attachments," Nick supplied. "But was it ever simple for you?"

"Don't ask me that."

David felt Nick's hands trail up his arm in an idle touch.

Don't do this. Don't let this happen.

"Was it ever simple for you?" Nick asked again, almost a whisper, hot breath against David's ear. "Even for a moment?"

It was a personal question and David had no inclination to answer. He didn't want Nick to know that the only reason he agreed to keep it "simple" was so that he wouldn't scare Nick away, so that he'd stay longer.

"No," he murmured, looking at the opposite wall. He could feel Nick's eyes boring into him. "Not even at the beginning."

"It wasn't simple for me, either," Nick whispered as he pulled David close, winding his arms around the other man's waist and resting his forehead against David's temple. It was strangely intimate and David was rigid for a moment before all but melting into the offered embrace. Was he meant to resist? He wasn't sure, but the heart he thought Nick cut out was beating in his chest again.

"I have an idea," the Texan finally announced, kissing David's neck and holding him even tighter.

"And what's that?"

"Let's abandon the simplicity thing and just… have a relationship. A real one. What do you think?"

Every time Nick kissed him, David felt breathless. Sure, it sounded sappy, but David figured he was allowed this one tiny thing. And at that moment, seconds ticking, Nick was kissing him like he meant the entire world.

And because Nick was always honest, David had a feeling he did.

Mean the world, that is.

Instead of answering with words, David just kissed him back.