Title: Speed/Horatio Crackfic
By: Caroline Crane
Pairing: Speed/Horatio
A/N: So I'm driving to work today, thinking about people who slash pairings I do not understand. Specifically Miami pairings. That, of course, led me to think about what a Speed/Horatio sex scene would actually be like if it were written in character. By the time I got on the interstate I was cackling to myself like a madwoman and no doubt terrifying the drivers around me. I blame Rory for being so hilarious in that Calleigh/Speed scene during "Invasion".

I should preface this by saying that I've never actually read a Speed/Horatio fic, because...no. It doesn't work for me for a lot of reasons, the biggest being that Horatio's not gay. But if you really think about the two of them in character and how they'd interact...well, it's kind of funny.

Speed: I have done this before, H.

Horatio: I realize that. (dramatic pause) Here's what we'll do...let's just try this my way. You sit tight for a minute...and I'll be right back.

(Here's where Horatio wanders off to pose dramatically in soft light. Try not to picture it.)

Speed: Right. So I'll just lie here then. That's great.

(fade to black...quick, before you picture it)

(A/N: Caruso's the new Shatner, I swear. I just want to see him singing about priceline.com. And now Speed's mad at me so I'm going to have to write him porn or something. Only I'm not at a porny part of the series and I promised myself I wouldn't skip ahead anymore. So I'm going to have to come up with...something. (Stand-alone fic? What's that?))