Title: Curtain and All
By: geekwriter
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Life with Greg could be weird, but it was never boring (aka crack!fic with moose).

"Oh holy Jesus God," Nick said as his contacts case dropped to the floor of Greg's bathroom with a clatter.

"You all right?" Greg called from the bedroom, where he was trying to decide if he should put the condoms and lube on the nightstand or just right on the bed.

"Scared the ever loving life out of me," Nick said. "What the hell is this thing?"

Greg left the lube and condoms on the nightstand and inched towards the bathroom. "Its, uh, it's not a spider, is it? Not that I mind spiders. Spiders are nothing to me. I am very manly and can deal with spiders in a manly, unafraid fashion."

"It's not a spider," Nick said.

"Oh, thank God." Greg stepped into the bathroom and looked around. "What?"

"That...that thing," Nick said, pointing. "What is that thing?"

"It's a moose," Greg said. He looked at Nick for a moment. "I thought you were supposed to be outdoorsy. You're outdoorsy but you don't know what a moose looks like?"

"What is it doing in your bathroom?"

Greg grinned. "Well, it's not a real moose, Nick. It's a picture of a moose. You see, a 'picture' is a two-dimensional representation of--"

"It's a moose shower curtain."

"Hey, you catch on fast."

"It's a moose shower curtain." It wasn't so much that he couldn't believe it, Nick just had to say it twice because it was a sentence he was pretty sure wouldn't ever get to say again.

"You're not afraid of moose, are you? Moose? Mooses? Meece?"

Nick pursed his lips and looked at Greg for a long moment.

"Hey, I was just asking. You did say it scared the ever loving life out of you, after all."

"I just...I just wasn't expecting a moose. What happened to the other one?"

"It was starting to mildew. Isn't this one great? I had to special order it."

Nick pursed his lips and nodded. He could ask why Greg had special ordered a moose shower curtain, but that meant that Greg would probably tell him why he had special ordered a moose shower curtain, and there were some things Nick just preferred not to know.

Greg's previous shower curtain had been covered in dancing cartoon turtles. Nick hadn't asked about that one, either.

Greg took a deep breath, held his nose, and made a sudden, rather startling, hoarse bellow.

Nick took a step back. "What was that?"

Greg smiled at him. "Moose call."

"Why did you...you know what? Never mind. It doesn't matter." He grinned and shook his head. Life with Greg could be weird, but it was never boring.

Greg wrinkled his nose. "Really clears out your sinuses."

"I'm going to pretend you didn't just tell me that, and I'm going to kiss you right now."

Greg smiled and stepped forward, looping his long arms around Nick's neck. The moment before their mouths met, his face softened and his lips parted and Nick thought that that moment, each time before they kissed, was the most beautiful Greg had ever been.

The kiss started off slow but built quickly, Nick grabbing Greg's shirt in his fists and hauling him closer, Greg parting his lips and teasing Nick's tongue with his own.

"Ignore it," Greg whispered as something electronic began to chirp.

Nick hadn't even heard it at first, but as soon as Greg called his attention to it, he knew it was the sound of his pager. "I think that's mine," he said.

"No." Greg's mouth was still against his. "No, it's just the phone, it's just a telemarketer."

"It's my pager," Nick said with a sigh, pulling away.

"I hate pagers," Greg said with a pout, slumping back against the bathroom wall. After a moment, he followed Nick into the bedroom.

"Cath's calling me in," Nick said as he secured his pager onto his belt.

"No," Greg said. "No, she's not. She's really, really not."

Nick kissed him gently. "She really is. It's the Markham case."

"But the sex. There was going to be sex. And more kissing. And also blow jobs. What about the blow jobs?"

Nick closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Greg's. He loved the blow jobs.

"I'll be quick," Greg said, reaching for Nick's belt buckle. "I'll be really, really quick."

"You can't--"

"I can. I can be so quick."

"But Cath--"

"Thinks you're coming from your place. That gives you an extra ten minutes. There's a lot I can do to you in ten minutes."

"But...oh..." Nick took a deep breath. While they'd been talking, Greg had completely undone his pants, pulled back the waistband of his underwear, and reached in to start stroking his cock. "We really shouldn't...I...there's...fuck, yeah..." He rocked his hips in counterpoint to Greg's sure strokes. No matter how many times it happened, he was always surprised at how quickly Greg could bring him to full hardness.

"What do you want?" Greg asked, his voice suddenly a low whisper. "My hand or my mouth?"

Greg's hand felt good, so good. He knew just how hard to grip, twisted his wrist at the end of each perfectly timed stroke. Nick leaned forward to kiss him hard, gripped Greg's hair in his hand to hold him in place. "Your mouth," he panted as he broke the kiss. "Fuck, Greg, I want..."

Greg's smile was slow and dirty, and he kissed Nick one last time before sinking to his knees.

And then it was Greg's mouth around him, Greg's hot, perfect mouth taking him deep, pulling back, taking him deep again. Greg wasn't kidding about being quick--he was pulling out all the stops, doing everything he knew Nick loved. While his lips were wrapped around Nick's cock, his hands were kneading Nick's balls, squeezing gently and pulling down just enough to make Nick groan.

Nick placed one of his hands on Greg's shoulder to steady himself, the other in Greg's hair. He didn't have to guide him at all, didn't have to do anything but hold on. Greg didn't break the seal, kept the suction steady and just on the good side of too much. Nick tried to keep his hips still but he couldn't, had to thrust, had to slide as deep into Greg's mouth as he could, knew his fingers were digging into Greg's shoulder, pulling Greg's hair but he couldn't help it. When Greg slid his hand behind Nick's balls and touched his asshole that was it, all Nick needed, and he was coming so hard he could barely breathe.

Finally, Greg released him and he stumbled backwards, collapsing onto the bed, laughing and covering his face with his hands.

"Ha!" Greg cried.

Nick propped himself up on his elbows, breathing hard.

Greg wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and said, "Ha! Six minutes! I'm the champion." He jumped up, his arms raised above his head, his hands in fists, jogging in place like Rocky.

Nick laughed again and fell back down. "You timed it?" he asked incredulously.

Greg was busy dancing around the room, throwing sharp jabs at the air, humming Eye of the Tiger.

Nick fumbled with his fly, tucking himself back in and zipping up, redoing his belt with clumsy fingers. "I have to go to work," he said. He sighed and closed his eyes. He didn't want to go to work, he just wanted to lie there and sleep for a few days.

"Right you are," Greg said. He grabbed Nick by the hands and hauled him up. "Up you go. Smooth your shirt down. Here, you need your gun."

Nick let Greg make him presentable, stumbled forward as Greg dragged him towards the front door, tugged on his jacket, smoothed down his hair.

"Have a nice day at work, dear," Greg said as he fluttered his eyelashes.

Nick laughed and cuffed him on the shoulder, then leaned in for a kiss. He could taste himself in Greg's mouth, which made him groan and deepen the kiss, searching for more. He slid his hand between Greg's legs, squeezed his erection. "What about you? Don't you want me to...?"

"No time. You've only got a minute. Besides, I'm sure I'll find some way to satisfy myself." Greg winked and Nick groaned again. "Come back when you're done with the Markham case, maybe you can return the favor. Though I doubt you'll be able to beat six minutes."

Nick smiled and kissed Greg quickly. He didn't even want to beat six minutes, liked it better when he took his time and made Greg pant and cry out and beg for it. "All right. Hopefully this won't take long."

Greg nodded and buttoned up Nick's coat as he ushered him out the door.

"Love you," Nick said just before he left, and he did--moose calls, Rocky moves, ugly shower curtain, and all.