Title: A Lot of Death
Author: Dee
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 4983
Pairings: Gil/Nick
Characters: Gil, Nick and the usual gang.
Warnings: Angst. A major character death. (And, would it be a fic of mine without a little SS bashing?)
Spoilers: S8 finale - For Gedda
Disclaimer: In my dreams they are like, totally mine!
Beta: jayceepat and podga for their invaluable help in the Americanisation of the fic and their insightful comments. I thank high_striker for his wonderful icons. I am indebted to the three of them. Any errors are mine.
A/N: This deals with the (supposed) death of Warrick Brown.


Gil couldn’t quite grasp the situation. About eight feet from him, the casket lay before the altar in the church. The body of his team member; his colleague; his friend lay inside that casket. It wasn’t that death held any mystery for him – it didn’t. It was the incomprehension of all of it put together. The way the death had reverberated among them.

There was the death of Warrick Brown and then emanating from that core event there was a lot of other death too. Friendship. Love. Understanding. It seemed to Gil that these had been lost and he didn’t know how or why but they were gone - blown away with two bullets.

Nick had been strange even before the death; Gil couldn’t quite put a time to it….but at the breakfast they’d shared after Warrick’s release, Nick was not his usual self.

Maybe that should be - his usual self to Gil. There was just a little difference that morning that Gil couldn’t pinpoint but in the days that followed the death it had grown into a chasm.

He couldn’t understand it; when a tragedy happened weren’t friends…..lovers…supposed to be together; support each other through their loss? Or did they fall apart under all the stress….like they had? He didn’t have to the experience to be able to make an informed judgement.

They had been together as a couple for five months. It had been a strange epiphany; the two men discovering their hidden secrets in each other, after all these years. That a double murder of a gay couple just happened to throw Gil and Nick together. Their shock at what they perceived to be some bigoted murder had actually increased when a third man, a spurned lover, appeared to be the murderer.

Within three weeks the two lonely men were lovers. It was a shock to them, but not unwelcome. Gil had long admired the handsome Texan. He’d always thought him straight and too young, but had admired him nevertheless…maybe even lusted…yes, he’d definitely lusted.

Nick was so entrenched in his façade of heterosexuality, that it was hard to let go, hard to admit that he did want another man and not a woman. Never a woman.

But the desire had overtaken them, so long denied that they were burning with a giddiness inappropriate for men of their ages. But it was so well hidden that it would never be shared with the world….this would be their secret, they were used secrets; but they would keep their new secret safe.

Warrick’s death had blasted their new life apart. Although, once again, Gil thought that it had started before the death.

Gil was pulled into the present when he was nudged by Catherine, standing beside him. Gil had been so focussed on the casket and his thoughts he’d missed the cue for him to step forward and go to the front of the casket and deliver his eulogy.

What could he say about Warrick? Well he found stories about the ‘rock’ that Warrick had been and about their work and friendship and how they would cope with his loss – or not cope.

He returned to his pew and a little while later Nick stood in the same place and delivered his eulogy to his friend.

It was so very different. Nick’s was an emotional delivery about their friendship. He found it difficult to keep going at times, but he did. For Warrick. His best friend. His message clear - that he had failed him. When he’d needed Warrick, Warrick had always been there, when Warrick had needed him, he hadn’t. He had failed.

There wasn’t a person in that church who believed for one minute that Nick had failed Warrick, but that made no difference. Nick believed. With all his heart.

He returned to his seat and sat down….he kept his eyes focussed ahead and tears rolled down his cheeks unnoticed, unchecked. He was mourning the loss of his friend and so much more.

The burial was hot, the sun beating down on all of them. The men in suits and ties and men and women in uniforms, felt it badly, other women, shaded more by hats, seemed less bothered. There were few family members and it was mostly his friends and colleagues that saw the casket lowered into the ground. Warrick Brown’s body joining the remains of his grandmother a lot sooner than anyone had ever anticipated.

At the church hall a buffet was underway and guests spoke quietly among themselves, there was no music and Gil thought that was sad since Warrick loved music, particularly jazz and blues type piano. He approached Nick and asked how he was coping. Nick looked like Gil had crawled from under a rock and that his dearest wish was for him to return there.

Gil backed off immediately, he wouldn’t make a scene. He wanted so desperately to hold Nick; to comfort him and be comforted, but it was not forthcoming now nor had been at any time since Nick had found Warrick’s body – too late even to say goodbye. Gil was so alone and bewildered by Warrick’s death and by Nick’s rejection that he wanted to weep. He was not given to tears like Nick. He had cried once in his adult life – when his mother died - and that had been in private.

Gil made as much conversation as he could with his friends and colleagues but ended up outside with a beer for his dry mouth and Brass for company.

“The team seems broken apart Jim, I’m not sure that it will ever mend, whether I can hold it together anymore…..or whether I actually want to.”

“Yeah. Comes a time when you just want an easy life, want a few beers and the sports channel. You thinking you might retire? Go do something else? Or nothing else?”

“I thought that I would have a direct answer to a question like that Jim, a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’, I've never been one to be think ‘maybe’…or ‘perhaps’ or whatever else. But I don’t know Jim, I really don’t know anymore.”

“If you’re asking me…and I know you’re not…you can’t go just yet. Hell, we lost Sara, she was part of the furniture, and now they’ve lost Warrick……don’t think they could lose you as well…see how they recover….give it a few weeks, a couple of months.”

“I probably will, not because it’s the right thing to do but because I've no idea what else to do…about this, about me, about anything.”

“Nick needs you.”

“You figure?”

“I’ve always felt Nick was solid, you know, copes with what life throws at him and let’s face it the guy’s had shit thrown at him, but it seems that he’s finally reached rock bottom, finally the shit’s sticking and weighing him down. Warrick’s gone and he needs to hold on and he hasn’t got anyone….no one Gil, but you.”

“Yeah.” Gil knew that he sounded unconvinced. If only he could tell Jim that he was trying to hold on to Nick but he was slipping from his grasp. He didn’t just want to save Nick. He wanted to save Nick for himself. He wanted him. He’d had him and now he was losing him. What would he do without Nick? Only five months, but Nick had taken over his life and he didn’t want to let go.

“You thinking hard?”

“Yeah. I don’t want to lose Nick, but I’m afraid he’s already lost.” The work analogy for Jim worked just as well as his own love analogy.

“Nah…you can get him back…..have to work at it, though.”

“I’m open to ideas Jim.” He’d accept any advice at the moment and try anything.

“Wrong person here. But you can’t go wrong with talking to the guy…and I know you hate it but…”

“Talking….yeah, I’m good at that.” His sarcasm was dripping from his lips. If he could talk to Nick would he be here now, talking to Jim? That was unfair; Jim was right, absolutely right. He will talk to Nick…. that’s what he’ll do. Of course, getting to Nick was the first obstacle.

They leaned on the wall of the church hall in companionable silence and Gil finished his beer. He looked at Jim and Jim smiled a sad little smile at him. Gil went back into the hall and looked around. He was certain that Warrick would have been embarrassed at the morose bunch he found in the room, but it was too late to do anything about that.

Nick was sitting alongside the remainder of the team. Sara had come back and was looking uncomfortable…..maybe she was no longer part of the team, having chosen to leave. She’d told Gil that she found it impossible to work with him any more when he showed not the slightest inclination to form a relationship with her. He’d been staggered, he’d thought she just wanted a friend not a lover, but he baulked at telling her he was gay…that was too secret. Only Nick knew that secret.

Mind you, as Gil looked at the remnants of the team he thought Catherine looked pretty uncomfortable too and Lindsay looked bored. He wondered if Catherine really had slept with Warrick…Nick said she had, because Warrick had told him. Nick had never told Warrick about the two of them. Greg sat still, for once, looking exactly as one would describe a ‘fish out of water’.

Gil walked over to the table and sat next to Nick. “I’m going, anyone want a lift?” He knew Catherine had her own truck with her but he didn’t know about Nick and Sara. Nick had not answered any of Gil’s messages and he in turn had not answered any of Sara’s.

“Sara’s staying with me….and I picked Greg up.” Catherine said this and Sara’s face had betrayed her frustration with Gil for not returning her calls and not giving her a ride.

“Nick?”

“I’m okay, I’ll get a lift.”

“I can take you Nick.” Catherine offered.

“No, it’s out of your way. Nick you’re with me.” Gil was not going to let him get away.

Nick shrugged and stood up. “I’m ready.”

“Oh, okay. Anyone to speak to before you…we leave?”

“Just his cousins.”

The six of them made their way to the few relatives Warrick had and they made their goodbyes and final condolences. Outside the air had cooled and they all just stood there together, not one of them could think of anything to say. Gil, surprisingly, broke the ice.

“Are you staying in town Sara?”

“Yeah a few days…when are you all going back to work?”

“Tomorrow night.”

“I’ll come by to see you.”

“Okay. Nick, you ready?”

Nick nodded and followed Gil to the truck. Once they were inside, buckled up and moving out of the parking lot Gil spoke.

“I need to talk to you Nick.”

“I don’t need to talk to you.”

“I don’t know why you feel like that, that’s why we need to talk.”

“You don’t do talking, do you? Look…..I think we both know that this is over, let’s just leave it.”

Gil thought that Nick’s voice had cracked as he’d said ‘over’. “I don’t want to leave it Nick and I don’t….I don’t want it to be over…I don’t.” This was the longest sentence he’d ever strung together about ‘them’. Perhaps this is what Nick meant. He didn’t talk about them; he could talk about a lot of other things, but not about ‘them’.

“Will you just leave me alone, man, it doesn’t matter any more…you, me, we don’t matter…we never did.”

“Nick, please…”

“No, no more, stop, let me out.”

“No Nick, look I said I’ll take you home and I will; all I want, Nick, is an explanation, just tell me why…can you do that?”

“Warrick is dead, man, this…thing doesn’t matter.”

“Nick it does matter, it matters to me….a great deal.”

“Yeah…sure it does.”

“Nick, look, let’s get you home, let me come in and talk.”

“I don’t want you in my home…..not any more.”

“Jesus, Nick what have I done, please tell me what it is I've done?”

“You…….nothing…look drop me off I’ll make my own way from here.”

“I’ll take you home, let me do that.”

They were both quiet for the rest of the journey. Gil was not given to noticing atmospheres, but he was sure he felt cold air coming from Nick. They arrived at Nick’s small townhouse and Gil stopped the truck in front, switched the engine off and sat there. He was exhausted, he didn’t know what he’d done to Nick; he was lonelier now than he’d ever been before – he desperately wanted to be with Nick, pretend the last week had never happened.

“Nick; I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you in some way, I’m sorry I don’t know what I've done to you. I wish I did, I could try and make it better.”

“You can’t bring back Warrick.”

“No.”

“I can’t talk….please go now.” He undid his seat belt and opened the door to leave the truck.

“Nick, it this it? Is it over? Will you please tell me why?”

“Run its course, man; never going to last anyway.”

“Why not?” Gil had suddenly become angry and banged his hands on the steering wheel.
“Warrick is dead and neither of us wanted it but we can’t bring him back. Less than two weeks ago you told me that you wanted to be with me Nick, to be with me.” His anger dissipated as quickly as it arrived. “I thought that lovers were supposed to love each other, support and care for each other….I got it wrong didn’t I…I did something and I've driven you away…I’ve only ever wanted you Nick…..and you don’t want me anymore. ” Gil whispered the last words to Nick.

And, it wasn’t a question, it was a realisation. It was over. Nick had his reason or reasons and that was it. Jim had asked him what he wanted to do...and he’d said he didn’t know, but he knew now.

“I love…..loved you Nick. I’m sorry. I’ll go now, no bother, no mess.”

Gil was looking ahead and didn’t see the hesitation in Nick…the first moment Nick had wavered since just before Warrick’s murder. But he still got out of the truck.

I’ll see you around then.” Nick’s voice made Gil look at him, the belligerent tone no longer there.

“No. That wouldn’t work now. It’s over, all of it.” Gil turned back to face the road and turned the ignition. The engine came to life. Nick moved back from the door and closed it. He stood and watched as Gil drove off, there was no backward glance.

To Nick it had all seemed pretty clear cut. Gil had used him and he was getting his comeuppance; but he’d never said those three little words before. Now he’d said he loved him and wasn’t going to be around….did he mean around me or the lab or what. Nick tried to straighten his thoughts out.

He was still standing outside his home. Gil had sounded pretty clear; he wasn’t going to be around, period. Now Nick thought about it yet again, he thought that he’d been stupid not to explain what had upset him so much, but it had been before Warrick had been shot, before all this shit and now he’d lost his best friend and it looked like he was losing the man he…..the man he loved.

Of course he fucking loved him…he’d loved him for nine agonising years and had him, had him in his arms and in his life and in his bed…and he’d just thrown it all away, because of what….a petty jealousy, was that what it was….it would have been sorted one way or the other if Warrick hadn’t died.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He may just have really fucked up big time. He pulled out his cell and hit Gil’s number. It went to message service straight away. “Call me Gil, call me…please.” He thought for a moment and then made a decision. He turned and went into his home, took off his suit jacket and his tie as he made his way to his bedroom. In two minutes he’d lost the suit and had pulled on jeans and a long sleeved tee and a pair of deck shoes.

He ran downstairs and retrieved his truck keys, set his alarm and locked up. It was less than ten minutes since Gil had left and it was a twenty minute drive in traffic, but it was early evening now and traffic should be light….he’d could shave about five minutes off that and he could always use the emergency lights…he knew he shouldn’t, but it was an emergency.

He was at Gil’s house in fourteen minutes. Gil’s truck was on the driveway but there were no lights on in the house. He parked and then ran to the front door and stopped. What was he going to say…what if he’d pissed off Gil too much and couldn’t get him back? What if his suspicions had been right, what would happen then? He lifted his hand and after a moment’s hesitation he knocked. He waited. He knocked. He waited. He knocked harder and for longer. He waited.

He banged on the door and shouted to Gil. “It’s me, open up. Come on Gil, open up.”

The door suddenly swung open and Gil was before him. He’d taken off his jacket and tie and was barefoot.

“We’re over Nick, what brings you here? You want your stuff?”

“No. No. I do owe you an explanation, I know I do. So…”

Gil just stood there; he looked blank, not upset or angry or anything, just blank.

“Can I come in then?” Nick was unsure now, what if it was too late.

“If you want me to stay here I can tell you here.” Nick was sounding desperate now, he knew. God, how quickly the tables had turned, he’d had Gil begging for a response and now he was begging to be heard.

Gil stood aside and opened the door wider. It was dim inside no lights were on downstairs and Nick walked into the living room. Gil closed the door and followed him in, without turning on a light. In the dimness Nick took a few deep breaths and started.

“You‘re right I do owe you an explanation. I know we’ve both said we don’t know much about this relationship crap, and we’re right. It’s just Warrick’s death has complicated things, y’know.”

Gil nodded. “It was something that happened before he died wasn’t it?”

Nick was surprised. “Yes…yes it was…..and if he hadn’t….I’d have called you on it….but then…”

“So?”

“I saw you and Warrick in the interview room.”

Gil looked blank.

“I’d gone into the observation room, with Greg, to see you break the good news and I saw you.”

“Saw me?” Gil had no idea what Nick was getting at. He thought about what he’d done. He’d walked in, sat down, told Warrick and then they’d left the room and Jim….no Warrick had hugged him first…. “Was it Warrick’s hug?”

“Yeah.” Nick knew he was tearing up, any minute he was going to cry. He tried hard to hold on.

“You never hugged me Gil.”

“Never hugged you…..for crying out loud I’ve been sleeping with you, fucking you.”

“But before, you know, you’ve never hugged me….when I was nearly framed for the murder of Kristy…I didn’t do it and Catherine proved it…..you didn’t hug me. The stalker; even after Walter Gordon and when you went away....you know, to teach, I hugged you and you shrugged me off and were bad tempered. But Warrick, you were all over him……and I thought……that…..” The tears had started now.

“What? What did you think?”

“That maybe it was Warrick…..you wanted……not me, but Warrick; I was second best.”

“Oh God Nick, you’re as bad as me. Jesus, it isn’t a good thing us being together, we’re as bad as one another.”

“You don’t want me? You did want Warrick?” Nick was trying desperately not to sob.

“Of course I want you. Oh Nicky, Nicky, I never touched you because I couldn’t trust myself to…I wanted you so much, if ever I‘d hugged you, I’d have never let you go.”

Nick sobbed out aloud now and Gil couldn’t bear it, he stepped forward and hugged Nick as his body was wracked with his sobs.

“Oh Nicky, Oh God.” He rubbed his back as Nick let all his sorrow out, his sorrow at his belief that he was Gil’s second best. His sorrow at Warrick’s death when he’d been jealous of him because he believed Gil wanted him. His stupidity had lost Gil.

“Please take me back, Gil, please”

“Oh Nicky.” Gil’s own face was streaked with his own tears. “I can’t live like this….like walking on eggshells…scared to do something, say something, or not doing it, wondering whether I’ve upset you. I don’t think I can do it; I’m too set in my ways.”

“Oh God, Gil, you are leaving aren’t you?” Nick hardly knew how he could speak, he was breaking apart.

“Yes. It’s time.”

“Without…..without me?”

“Haven’t we just proved we’re useless at this….this….personal stuff? Warrick died and we couldn’t even provide each other with solace. I don’t know what to do and neither do you….for this to have worked, one of us at least ought to have some idea how to go about it….I’m too old to change…and I don’t know if I want to.”

As he spoke he held a sobbing Nick in his arms. How on earth could he walk away from this….for the first time, in maybe twenty years, he had someone he loved and on whom he had pinned hopes….but they were false hopes. He knew that.

“I…I….understand, and I’m so sorry. You see I was jealous of Warrick…and you and then he’s dead…and it’s like it’s my fault. Sorry…I’m sorry about everything. If I’d been with Warrick instead of flirting with that waitress to upset you, he might still…..”

“Oh, Nick, if you’d gone with Warrick you could’ve been killed too, you must have realised that….this killer wouldn’t have blinked twice before shooting both of you.”

“No…it would have been more difficult to get two of us….”

“Warrick knew his killer Nick…..you know that the window had been rolled down…..so two unsuspecting guys would have been as easy as one….”

“It would have been …..”

“For God’s sake what are you saying? Do you want to die? You’ve been faced with death so many times but you’ve always fought back from the brink. Are you saying now that death is an option for you?”

“No.” Nick pushed away from Gil and wiped his nose and face on the sleeve of his tee. “I don’t want to die and I’m not suicidal but it would be fucking easier than all this shit.”

“Well…you could be right.” Gil then chuckled and Nick looked up at him questioningly. “If my mother had just seen you wipe your nose on your sleeve she’d have had your grounded you for a month.”

“Yeah….Maria too.”

“Here.” Gil handed his handkerchief to Nick. “Who’s Maria?”

“Housekeeper…she sort of reared me…Momma was off at work.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“No…..there’s lots you…..”

“No.”

“This is just a load of shit….I’m sorry…I’ll go now.”

“Okay.”

“Will you come back to the lab?”

“Probably…in the short term, there’ll be a lot to sort out.”

“Yeah.” Nick’s tears were starting again. He looked at Gil and shook his head. Then went towards the door. He turned back to speak to Gil again.

“Despite everything…it’s still been the best time….the best time, man…..” He turned again and opened the door and stopped dead as Sara’s outstretched arm was about to knock him instead of the door.

“Sara?”

“Oh, hello Nick, sorry, I came to see Gil.”

“A reasonable assumption since it’s my house; come in Sara. Nick don’t bother with those papers now, stay and I’ll put on some coffee.”

Nick didn’t need (even) a nanosecond to understand that he should stay. He knew that Gil had felt pressurised by Sara’s persistent behaviour trying to get him into a ‘relationship’.

“What brings you here?” Gil asked but then walked away into his kitchen; a clear indicator that he wasn’t particularly interested in her answer. All three of them knew that.

“I just came to see how you are….you know, holding up after Warrick…..” Sara’s explanation petered out.

“Like the rest. Can’t believe it, the classic steps in any grieving process; denial, anger…haven’t arrived at acceptance yet, but I suppose…..”

“He brought it on himself from what I hear.” Sara was renowned for her tactlessness, but both men were staggered.

“You’ve got a fucking nerve, Sara. He was right about Gedda, he knew too much and they got him for it and you think it’s his fault he had two bullets in him? You bitch.” Nick had thought it many times but he’d never said it out loud. “You fucking bitch.” He reinforced his statement.

“I tend to agree with Nick there, Sara….what gives you any right to come into my house and pontificate on a matter you know nothing about?”

She knew she’d overstepped the mark, but she’d never encountered such hostility from Nick, who’d usually take any crap, and then have Gil back him up.

“Well I obviously didn’t mean he should have been killed, but he was meddling in stuff that he should have left to the cops, from what Catherine told me…and I thought you’d suspended him recently.”

Sara never did know when to stop digging and put the shovel down.

“Catherine had no right to discuss confidential matters with you and I will be speaking to her about that, in the meantime I think you should leave.”

Nick turned from Sara and walked over to the front door and held it open for her to leave.

“A new little lap dog to do your bidding now Gil…I bet you like being teacher’s pet since you’ve spent so long out in the cold. But it took my leaving and Warrick’s death to get you the position.”

Gil was so furious he could have hit her, how he stopped himself from launching himself at her he didn’t know.

“Get out, now. You’ll never know just how happy I was to see the back of you. Leave me in peace and my lover too.” He wrapped his arm around Nick’s shoulders and pulled him close, kissing his temple. He looked back at Sara and the look on her face made it all worth while.

She was speechless and she left, just like that. Gil slammed the door.

Gil held onto Nick. “Will you stay? I don’t think I can let you go…I need you to protect me from her.”

“She’s fucked up Gil. But you know something, so am I…and you…and Catherine…and I bet you Lindsay’s in therapy.”

“You could be right….it’s a job requirement probably….only oddballs need apply. What do you say, will you stay?”

“I think I will if you’ll have me. I’ve been stupid and you’re right, neither of us know how to go about this….we’ve spent too much time on our own. I want you though, very much. We ought to do something about it….couples’ therapy…or something.”

“Please tell me you’re joking?”

“Not really; we can’t just stumble through it, we’ve just had a major test and we both fell apart.”

“I don’t know…we’ll see.”

“Not a ‘no’ then?”

“Not a ‘no’”

“You do realise that you’ve told Sara about us?”

“Mmmm. That could have been a mistake.”

“Well, ’hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’…my daddy’s favourite saying, since there was Momma, five daughters and Maria and only him, my brother and me and we stood no chance.”

“He’s a Judge.”

“Not at home he ain’t.”

“True. So how long before everyone knows?”

“Sooner rather than later, she’ll tell Catherine.” Nick glanced at Gil…he didn’t seem overly concerned.

“We can say that the death of a colleague made us realise how fragile our life is and how we don’t want to live in a closet all our lives.”

“Sounds good.”

“Sounds like the truth.”

“Yeah. If Sara hadn’t been there, would you have stopped me?”

“No…well probably not until you’d got to your truck anyway.” Gil managed a smile for Nick

“Really?” Nick smiled back, recovering a little.

“Really. It was Maria that swung it for you.”

“Maria?”

“I know so little about you and I’m nosy, so I’d like to know everything about you, all there is to know.”

“I’d like to share.”

“Your bad habits need to be addressed…wiping your nose on your sleeve…ugh….”

“It was an emergency.” Nick managed a grin.

“I’m willing to give it a try…..I haven’t spent all these years lusting after you for just five miserly months.”

“They were mostly good months and I promise to ‘talk about things’…if you promise me back.” Nick looked hopefully at Gil.

”I promise.”

“Man. I should have told Warrick.”

“You weren’t ready; it’s as simple as that.”

“Maybe not. Do you think I could have been killed too…if I’d left with him?”

“Undoubtedly.”

“So he did look after me. If he hadn’t hugged you and made me jealous, I wouldn’t have flirted with the waitress to make you jealous and I might’ve left with him. I know he wouldn’t have wanted me to die because he did look after me.” Nick’s tears had started up again.

“He did, he had a big heart…he just used to take the wrong direction once in a while. I’ll miss him a great deal.”

“Me too….he was my best friend….and I loved him.”

The End