Title: Deserved
By: sarcasticsra
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Lashing out, bitterness, regret, and self-loathing: Conrad Ecklie.
Pairing: One-sided Ecklie/Grissom, Grissom/Greg
A/N: Thanks go to Kelly for the beta.

"I love it when you wear your gloves."

Grissom had only been mocking him, of course. Not that Ecklie could really blame him - he certainly wasn't innocent of it. He was Conrad Ecklie, day shift prick, only there to play politics and make Gil Grissom's life hell. Right.

One thing Conrad Ecklie and Gil Grissom had in common was that they were both abysmal with relationships and feelings. Whereas Grissom just absorbed himself in his work and became reserved to get away from it, Ecklie lashed out. Subtly, of course, but he lashed out. It was the only thing he knew.

He'd been attracted to Gil Grissom upwards of three years, and he absolutely hated it. He wanted to hate the man, call him annoying, revel in his mistakes and failures, and he did, outwardly; inwardly, he cursed himself. Why did he always have to be such a prick, god dammit?

He knew it was useless beating himself up about it - Grissom wasn't on the market, anyway. And even if he were, what were the chances he would so much glance in Ecklie's direction? None, that's what. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

But that didn't matter, because he wasn't single. Ecklie had had his suspicions of who might be the one Gil had finally found himself compatible with. First, he thought it was Sidle, but it was soon obvious that Grissom wasn't interested in her. Then, one day, he saw it: the look. Oh, to any normal observer, it wouldn't have looked like much, but the look he had shot Greg Sanders was very, very telling to Ecklie. It was affection.

And not just, ‘you're becoming a great CSI, kid' affection, either. It was ‘you're adorable' affection. ‘I'm glad you're in my life' affection. Even ‘I could fall in love with you' affection. Ecklie's fist clenched in anger just remembering it.

He supposed he couldn't really blame Grissom. Greg was certainly very pretty and obviously somewhat intelligent. He was fun, quirky, different. Not a prick. Everything he wasn't.

He felt so bitter, sometimes.

Ecklie sighed. There really wasn't anything he could do but endure the looks that were secret to anyone but someone looking for them, which he was. He always was, and he hated himself for it. He hated himself for a lot of things, though, so adding one more to the list wasn't a huge deal.

Sometimes he thought that he probably loathed himself more than any of Grissom's team loathed him.

It stung, but he pushed the thoughts away, only dwelling on them when he was feeling in a particularly bad mood and he wanted to make it worse for the hell of it. It was what it cost him for wanting something besides bitterness in his life. The price for wanting some affection.

He sighed. He was Conrad Ecklie, career horse, and asshole extraordinaire.

It was nothing more than what he deserved.

-End