Title: Contemplating Eternity
By: Rabidfan
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Rating: PG
Summary: Nick returns to his family home and faces up to some painful truths about his life with Greg.

Going back to Texas had always been a time of joy. Everyone showed up at the airport, with hugs and laughter. It was a jolt for Nick when his plane landed and only his father was there to meet him. This was not a time for celebration, but of sorrow. His Grandfather had died quietly, as he'd lived his whole life, surrounded by family. All save Nick.

"Good to see you, son. How was the flight in?" His father took the carry-on from Nick's hands. "No Greg?"

"He had to work. He's covering for me, actually." Nick sighed. He'd argued with Grissom, something he rarely tried, to get Greg the time off too. Grissom had refused, and Greg asked Nick not to push it. "Just go, see your folks. I'll cover for you." Greg gave him the cheeky grin he so loved. "You can make it up to me later!"

So here he was. There were at least a dozen cars parked on the front lawn of his parent's ranch house. Everyone was there. It was probably for the best. Get all the questions out of the way, then focus on the funeral and the support of his Grandmother. He could do this.

"Nicholas!" At the sound of that voice, Nick's dad grimaced and beat a hasty retreat. "See you later, son." Nick turned to face the elderly woman bearing down on him.

Nick's Great-Aunt Tassie was no one's version of the fragile, maiden aunt. At 90, she still power-walked two miles each day. She had helped care for his grandfather before his passing, and would no doubt fill that role for his grandmother as well. She was tough as nails and scared the shit out of Nick. Even as a child, he'd avoided her whenever possible. "Where is your little friend?" Nick forced himself to remain calm.

"He's not so little. And he's working." Well, things weren't off the best of starts, now were they? "Good to see you too, Auntie."

"When are you going to settle down? You worry your mother." She wasn't ready to let him go just yet.

"I am settled down. And my mom isn't worried." That's it. Keep the answers short. Not rude, 'cause that's a whole new brand of hell around here, just short. Besides, since when was Nick's love life open to discussion with Auntie?

"Married him, did you? Made an honest man of him?" Auntie was relentless, and really snide when she wanted to be.

"Now you know I can't do that, Auntie. Not even in Vegas." That's the statement that always stopped these kinds of conversations with his parents. It should work on noisy great-aunts as well. "I love him. He loves me. We're settled."

"Of course you love him, Nick. I can see that, it's written all over your face. But what kind of future can the two of you have? Have you given any thought to that? It's all very good for the two of you now, but how will you make what you have into a family, into a home?" The worried yet compassionate tone kept Nick from reacting badly. She was genuinely concerned for him. It both surprised and unnerved him.

"We're fine. Really. I don't see what you're so worried about." He didn't. Life was pretty good right now. Why question it?

"A fox may love the hen, Nick. But where would they make their home?" Noisy, snide and just as confusing as Grissom. Nick's patience had come to its end.

"What the hell does that mean?" Okay, he was asking for trouble. Getting into an argument with Tassie Stokes was a guaranteed headache. So be it.

"Naturally you can't marry him. He's a man. You should have already figured that out." There was no give in the old lady. She stared up into Nick's eyes without flinching. "Have you worked out a domestic partnership? His name on the deed to your place? On the pink slip of your car?" She waited a fraction for a reaction from Nick. "No? Didn't think so." She snorted down her patrician nose at him. "Not as settled as you'd like us to think, are you? Tell me. Do you expect him to leave, or are you leaving the way clear for you to?" Not allowing Nick to reply, she turned away. "Go in to your Grandmother. She's been waiting for you." With that, she was gone.

Hours later, alone in his boyhood bed, Nick considered what Auntie had said to him earlier. He'd been furious at the time. Now he wondered, how much truth was in those statements. Why, after seeing each other exclusively for nearly four years now, did Greg still have his own apartment? True, they spent four or five nights a week together, but they'd never combined households. Why not? Was he waiting for Greg to call it quits? Did he want to freedom to do so himself? He knew he'd have to find answers and face whatever the consequences those answers brought. He was almost as afraid of that as he was of his aunt. What kind of a wimp did that make him? He tossed and turned late into the night, struggling with his questions until sleep finally claimed him.

As much as Nick searched for them, the answers proved hard to find. He did, however find more questions. Why hadn't Greg suggested moving in together? Why didn't he seem interested in coming to Texas with Nick? Did Greg love him as much as he claimed too? Was Nick in love with Greg, or was it just the undeniable physical attraction that kept them together? So many questions. He dreaded the conversations he would have to have with Greg when he returned. He didn't know how to even broach the subject with him.

With the new day came more relatives, and more questions about Greg. Nick knew he'd blow up at the next person who asked where Greg was, so he went in search of a quiet part of the house to hole up. With that many Stokes' in one place, privacy was at a premium, but his father's study was an oasis of calm. Nick closed the door on the clamor beyond and sighed. Finally, a place to marshal his thoughts.

"Running away already?" Nick jumped. His hopes for privacy dashed, Nick manfully faced his most dreaded foe. "You hid first, Auntie." Tit for tat.

Surprisingly, that drew a chuckle from the old biddy. "So I did. So I did." She reached for the lamp switch, pushing back the darkness where she sat. "Too many rambunctious children. In my day, we'd be whipped for less." She seemed disappointed in the change. "Given any more thought to our discussion from yesterday?" Like he'd done any thing else at all.

"Not really." Maybe he was getting better at lying. Greg would be able to tell, but then Greg wasn't here. "Things have been a little busy."

"You are a terrible liar. Better stay away from the poker tables, boy. You'll lose your shirt." She seemed highly amused. Nick was less so.

"So they tell me." Safety probably lie with sticking to the short, truthful answers he'd tried for yesterday. "I'm going to find a quiet place to take a nap." Nick turned to go.

"Haven't you at least wondered why he won't move in with you?" The old ladies words stopped Nick in his tracks. The pause betrayed his misgivings on that very subject. "I don't know the boy, and I could tell you why. Not that you'd listen. Take after your mother that way. Stubborn." She sniffed. "I warned William, told him not to be sniffing around the Smith girls. Uppity, yes I said uppity. You can just turn that growl off, Nicholas Stokes," she sniffed again, at once both formal and crude. "I know what I'm saying. You'd do well to listen."

"I'm pretty sure I could do without your advice, Aunt Tassie. You've insulted mom, and assumed to know Greg when you've never even met him. I think I'll make due on my own." Nick was sorry now he hadn't just left as soon as he'd found the room occupied.

"Your mother and I have made our peace long before you were a gleam in your daddy's eye. I give her my best advice and she ignores it." She found that statement extremely funny, her rusty laugh something of a surprise to Nick. "You can ignore my advice, too if you choose. But you'll get it either way." She patted the sofa next to her. "Humor an old lady, Nicholas. Sit yourself down." She patted the seat again.

Good manners won out over the desire to escape. Nick crossed over to sit down next to his aunt. "I don't bite, boy. Don't act as though you were on your way to your execution!" The seldom-used laugh made a brief reappearance. "You want to know why he's holding back or not?"

"Not really." Nick was pretty sure that wouldn't stop her. He was right.

"Good." She straightened her skirts with a twitch of a hand. "Nothing there is his."

"That's it?" Nick was incredulous. "That's your big revelation? Of course none of it is his! He keeps his stuff at his place!" Honestly, was she finally succumbing to the effects of time? "I could have figured that one out on my own." Nick started to rise.

"Sit yourself down," she snapped at him. "You young people have not a wit of patience in you! Hear me out before you decide I'm demented!" Wow, did she read minds? Nick settled back onto the cushion.

"You hear, but you don't listen," she heaved a put-upon sigh. "You keep to yourself. You're private, you don't share yourself with others. Not even him." She looked carefully at Nick, judging whether her words were sinking in. "He asks you, doesn't he? What's wrong? What's going on? Are you angry? So many times you get angry." She softened her tone, seeing Nick beginning to really pay attention. "How warm am I?" Too damn warm.

"There may be some truth in that. But that doesn't explain why he won't move in." The triumphant look Tassie gave him made his stomach lurch.

"So he won't, won't he? Knew it!" Damn, damn. "Yes, well you're a genius. I'm sure you and that information will be very happy." Again, Nick started to rise.

"Oh, don't get your panties in a bunch!" She patted his arm, an apology of sorts. "He doesn't think you want him too. That should be clear to you. Not as smart as you think you are. That's a problem with young ones today. Full of themselves."

"Of course I want him there. That's ridiculous." Greg knew that. Crazy old lady, why was he even sitting here? Her next words chilled him to the core.

"You really are a bad liar." She sounded sad, all the triumph drained away. "You don't want him there. Your precious privacy is far too important. You want, maybe even need, to keep him at a distance." She reached over to awkwardly pat him again. "You'll end up driving him away. You'll tell your self that it's just as well. And you'll break his heart, and then your own." She plucked an embroidered handkerchief from her sleeve. "Save yourself the pain, boy. Just break up with him now, and find yourself a nice compliant girl to give you a few babies while your young enough to enjoy them."

This time Nick made it to his feet. "You're crazy. I love Greg." He did. He was reasonably sure of that.

As Nick closed the door he heard the old lady's parting shot. "Doesn't really seem so, does it boy?"

The next day was a blur of activities that Nick would never to clearly remember. The viewing, the funeral itself, the interment…all swirled in a miasma of worry and fear. Fear of what he'd face when he returned to Vegas. Fear that things were no longer in his control. Fear that emotional shipwreck lay ahead for both Greg and himself.

Tomorrow he'd be returning home. He should be excited to see Greg again. Instead, the text from Greg confirming he would be waiting at the airport filled him with dread. Sitting on the porch, waiting for sunset, he wondered if he should change flights to a time Greg would be at work already. Maybe a cab ride into town would give him enough time to clear his mind.

The porch boards creaked, heralding the arrival of someone else. Nick reluctantly looked up, wishing to remain alone. He sighed in frustration at the now familiar sight of his Auntie.

"You're just proving my point, you know. Hiding out here when all of your family is inside together." She sat down next to Nick on the step, almost as graceful as the girl she had once been. "Too private, to private by half. Told you." She waited for some sign that Nick was still living. Getting no encouragement to continue, she barreled on anyway.

"Going home to your little friend tomorrow. Looking forward to the welcome home?"

"My relationship with Greg is absolutely none of your business," Nick snapped. "Before you started in on me, I was absolutely sure I was happy, that I was in love. Just yesterday I was still relatively sure of that! Now, I'm not… " Nick trailed off miserably.

"Now you're not so sure?" The almost tender words from the forceful old lady where somehow harder to take.

"No! I mean yes, I'm sure!" Nick struggled not to shout. "I'm pretty sure." He was pathetic. Of that, at least, he was sure.

"What do you see when you picture your future? What are your dreams?" Auntie shifted so the last rays of sun didn't shine in her eyes. "Do you see him there, with you?"

In truth, Nick had stopped trying to see much of anything in the future. He'd developed a kind of 'live for the moment' approach to it, and he wondered now if that was part of his unease.

"Thought so. Drifting. No goals, no hopes, dreams…drifting." She sniffed. "Ragweed. Pollen is from the Devil, has to be. Maybe you need some dreams, boy. Maybe, if you had somewhere to aim for, you wouldn't feel so lost right now." With that Grissom-like thought, Tassie rose. "Got to go check on your Grandmother Maude. Promised to stay close. Too much activity for old biddies like us." The odd laughter rumbled again. "I'll miss you, Nicholas…you're not as routine as the rest of this herd. Bring that little friend of yours with you next time."

Nick was pretty sure she was gone by the time his "His name is Greg" came out. He didn't suppose it mattered all that much. She wasn't going to call him by name anyway. Dreams. What did he want for a future? What did others have that he coveted? More damn questions. They all swirled around in his crowded skull, making it throb. "I need a beer."

The house was bursting with family. Children racing around half-heartedly admonished to stop by weary parents. Old people to babes, all the generations of living Stokes were represented. For the first time in many visits, Nick really looked at them. What was the secret of their happiness? How could he capture it for his own?

"You okay?" His brother stopped beside Nick, offering him a beer. "You look a little piqued. Auntie hounding you again?" Billy was the oldest, and liked to play mother hen to his younger siblings. It was a trait that Nick both admired and hated.

"I'm alright. Billy, how did you know Rebecca was the one for you? What made you sure?" Billy looked a little surprised at the question.

"You sure you're okay? You having trouble at home?" When Nick had told his family that he'd chosen a man for his partner in life, the family had been surprised, shocked even. But they'd all adjusted to it after a fashion, some more accepting then others, but all willing to let things be. Billy had never been entirely comfortable with the idea, but he wanted his baby brother to be happy. If Greg made him happy, Billy was happy too. "Greg's just working, right? That's why he's not here?"

"Yeah. Greg's fine. He's covering my shifts." Nick took a long pull on the cold beer. Heaven. "Don't change the subject. How did you know?"

Billy gave an embarrassed sort of chuckle. "I didn't. She knew." Nick looked confused, so Billy gave it another try. "She decided I was 'husband' material, and set out to claim me. I didn't know what hit me until after the honeymoon!"

The brothers shared a laugh. It felt good to laugh, Nick thought. It was good to be here. For the first time, he actively missed Greg. Only now, when he was ready to head home, did he wish for them to be enjoying this moment together.

"Any regrets?" Billy finished his beer before answering. "No. Not really. I do wish I 'd finished college first. Always figured I could go back, but then the kids came along. Don't regret them, mind you. Not a minute. Just, I would have like to finish my masters." He didn't look all that troubled, so Nick figured the ache wasn't too bad.

"How about you, Nick? You have regrets?" Mother henning like a pro.

"Some. I'm working on them." That was as much as Billy was going to get. He saluted Nick with his empty bottle and went off the help corral the little ones belonging to him.

Nick reflected on Billy's words. 'Husband material'. Did that describe Greg? Or himself, for that matter? He wandered over to one of his sisters. Might as well turn this into a bit of fieldwork. Treat it like an investigation. Just giving a face to some of his questions was already giving him hope where he'd just felt fear before. So, Stacey was next for questioning. Maybe he should be taking notes?

He startled himself by laughing out loud by the imagery. "Stacey! Hold up!"

His last night in his childhood bed proved to be just as restless as the previous ones had been. The bits and pieces of his sibling's lives that he'd heard crowded around with the still unanswered questions.

Two things, though, stood out. One, he was way too tall for this bed now. Two, he was never going to sleep this way, and he might as well get up. So much for his vaunted CSI skills.

Making his quiet way downstairs, Nick decided he would speak to his father in the morning. Surely in fifty years of marriage he'd picked up something relevant to Nick's problem. In the mean time, there was homemade fudge calling to him from the kitchen. It looked like someone else was having trouble sleeping. Nick could see light under the kitchen door, and smell the fresh coffee.

"You're far to young to sleep so little, Nicholas." Figures. It had to be Aunt Tassie. Who else could it be? "Got yourself all packed?" She offered him a cup of coffee and a sweet roll. The smell made Nick's stomach growl. "I heard that! That's what you get for picking at your dinner. A man should eat hearty. Something wrong with all this low carb, low calorie stuff. Low taste, I say. I like to see a man enjoy his food."

Nick accepted the pastry with a contented sigh. He did pick at dinner. He still didn't know what he was feeling, but somehow he just felt better. Maybe Tassie was right. Maybe he'd made up his mind to break up, and that was what was making him feel better. If that was so, why did the thought of it make the sip of coffee turn to acid in his mouth? Clearly, that wasn't the direction he really wanted to follow. The relief Nick felt at that revelation was staggering. Tassie was watching him, with concerned eyes.

"What's going on in that head of yours, child? You look like you found a skunk in your underwear drawer."

"You were wrong." Nick felt giddy. Was it too late to call Greg? Of course it was, he was at work. "I'm not going to be looking for any girl to have babies with. I love him…I do, I love him!" He seemed rather surprised by that. Aunt Tassie did not. She smiled a knowing smile, and pushed another pastry across the counter to him.

"Of course you do." She passed cream and a spoon. "No reason you can't have babies with him, now that you're sure." Nick looked at her, not sure how to take that statement.

"Uh, Auntie. Greg's a guy. You established that already." He smiled around a bite of crispy dough. Ummm. Just heavenly. "Uterus free."

"Didn't I already chastise you for being smart-mouthed? You young people should know not to speak that way to your elders. In my day, your daddy would take you out back and whup you for that! Times change, boy. And not always for the better!" She swiped at the crumbs on the counter. "Mark my words, by the time your son back-talks you, you'll wish you'd minded me better!"

Nick let the tide of angry words flow over him. All he had heard was 'your son'. A son. Children. This was one of the keys to his discontent. Why had he not realized it before? He wanted to be a father. How did they make this work?

"Stay with me, boy. You're drifting off again." A refill of his cup and hers seemed to calm her down enough to carry on with their talk. "There are ways, and then there are ways. Just because you're both men doesn't mean you can't raise a child. Surely there are enough 'enlightened' folk in Las Vegas that could arrange something for you. Providing you can prove a loving, stable environment." She peered closely at Nick. "Think you can pull that off, boy?"

"I have to talk to Greg." He was swamped by an appalling thought. "What if he doesn't want too? What if he wants things to stay the same?" He felt a rising panic. Aunt Tassie reached over the counter to grasp hold of his hand with hers.

"You're too excitable by half, child. Calm yourself before your buttons pop." She gave him a little squeeze before letting go. "Of course you have to talk to him. The boy has been begging you to talk to him for years." The old lady moved around the counter to sit next to Nick at the bar. "Don't expect to fix it all over night, Nicholas. You've both stored up a lot of hurt. Give him time; give yourself time, to work through things. Mind me now," she pointed a bony finger at him. "If he's what you want, you'd best tell him so."

Nick secretly thought that relationship advice from an elderly spinster may not be the best advice of all, but frankly he was ready to listen to anyone.

"You're thinking again. Get you into trouble. Over-think everything. All that university education coming back to bite you on the behind. Hard work. That's what a man needs. Not fancy degrees hanging on a wall gathering dust. Men used to know better." She sniffed into one of her hankies. "Just because I never married doesn't mean I didn't have my chances. I had them. I lost them. Recognized a lot of me in you, boy. You listen up, don't make my mistakes. They don't wait around for us forever. They surely don't." She gave a shaky sigh. "I'm an old lady, Nicholas. I need my sleep. You'd best get to your bed as well."

"Why didn't you marry one of your 'chances', Aunt Tassie? What held you back?" Nick felt an obsessive need to know. For a moment, Nick wasn't sure she would answer. He let out the breath he hadn't realized he was holding when she settled back onto the stool.

"I worried about what my mama would say. We had money; oh lot's of money for those times. Carver didn't. He was poor and proud. I wanted my mama's approval, but I never asked for it. I think back now, and I believe I was afraid." She gave Nick a fierce glare. "Don't you think I could be afraid? I wasn't always like you see me today." She paused to dab at the corners of her eyes. "I told him I would let him speak to my daddy when the cattle were all in for the winter. Then I told him to wait until the spring. Then there were other excuses, and finally he stopped asking me when. He found another girl, and she said yes."

"Why were you afraid?" Nick didn't get it. "Your family would have been there to help, wouldn't they?" That was one thing in life Nick never needed to question. His family would always be there for him, even if he had picked a course in life they didn't want for him. He faced another realization; he had turned away from that community strength, and had been trying to do everything on his own. Foolish, it made him feel so ungrateful and foolish.

"Oh sure, my daddy would have found a place for Carver. But a little of what Carver was would have died at that. Told you. Proud. It was a time of proud men. Making your own way, it all had a different meaning then. A man made a home for his wife; she didn't keep on with her folk. I loved the little luxuries. Prideful in my own way, I suspect. Didn't want to let them go." The old memories brought new pain to Tassie's face. "Carver did well in life. We could have made a stand. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't ready for people to point and say 'that Stokes girl, married beneath her and now look at her' with pity or worse." She dabbed her eyes again. "It was better, I was sure, to be alone then to have the union that people might make sport of. Now, I know they would have had to eat their words, but I was afraid."

She rose again, but before she retired she had one more thing for Nick to think on through the long night. "You're afraid, too, boy. See it in you just like it was in me. Don't want people judging your choice. 'That Stokes boy, went off to that sinful place and ended up living with a man'. You'd rather be alone then let people take their pokes at you. Afraid." She reached over and gently touched the side of Nick's face. "Carver did well. I lost out. Greg, yes I know his name is Greg, could be your Carver. No one but you can know for sure. If he is, you could make a stand together. If you can conquer your fear." With a last gentle touch, the old lady made her way off to her room.

The echo of the old woman's words stayed with Nick through the night. "You could make a stand together." Is that what he wanted? Was he willing to pay whatever price would come due for making that choice? He was pretty sure he was, but Tassie was right; Nick was afraid. She had given him a lot to think over. "Maybe, if you had somewhere to aim for, you wouldn't feel so lost right now." Yeah, maybe that was true. Something to aim for. Children, Nick wanted children. Ached for them in a way he would have never thought possible only three days ago. In all the questioning of his siblings, the one thing they had that he came away wanting were children of his own. He was okay with surrogacy or adoption; they would be his either way. Yes, and Greg's too.

He wanted Greg in his life. Not like now, where Greg could go back to his own place when things got intense. No. Together, working through problems, not running from them. He realized he was the one doing most of the running. "You want, maybe even need, to keep him at a distance." He did hide himself from Greg, from everyone. He'd have to open up. He'd need to show Greg he trusted him with his innermost feelings or the hoped-for future would only be a hope. Could he do that? He'd been hiding the core part of himself since he was nine. He wasn't completely sure he could stop. Greg would help, he was sure. Greg's love was sure, he didn't doubt it. His anchor in rough seas. Nick made a promise to himself to talk through all of this with Greg when he got home.

"Nothing there is his." That would have to change. Greg had been resistant to moving in with Nick. He never left any personal things in the condo, just toiletries and a change of clothes. Why? "Your precious privacy is far too important." It was important to Nick. Could he give that up entirely? Work all night with Greg and spend all his off hours with him, too? Others managed that without bloodshed. What made Nick think they couldn't? The condo was pretty small for combining lives. What would they do with all of Greg's stuff?

Nick realized that was one of the deal breakers for Greg. He'd always made it clear that Greg's things would have to be sacrificed, a sort of Greg-only deal. That was hardly fair. No wonder he'd balked at it. Nick would have to make concessions, meet Greg half way. Still, the issue of physical space was daunting. If the future included a family, as Nick fervently hoped it did, then space would be at an even steeper premium. So. Sell the condo, pool resources and buy something in a nice, family-friendly neighborhood. One with good schools, and not too far from work so they didn't spend too much time in travel.

"Have you worked out a domestic partnership? His name on the deed to your place? On the pink slip of your car?" Here, Nick now realized, was the crux of the matter for Greg. Nick had balked at genuine commitment. He regularly told Greg that he loved him, tried to show his love through physical intimacy. Nick had never offered to do more then that. Heck, he never even let Greg drive his truck, much less put his name on the pink! That too would change as soon as he could swing it. It wouldn't be about Nick and about Greg anymore if Nick could manage it. It would be Nick and Greg, a combined household of combined souls.

"If he's what you want, you'd best tell him so." Not just that he loved him, though he couldn't ever say that enough. Guy-like, he tended to gloss over that, but Greg needed to hear it. He needed to show Greg that he was wanted, needed. Now, and always. What had Billy said? Rebecca had seen that he was 'husband material'. Nick would have to work to be 'husband material' for Greg. It was unimportant that he likely would never be a husband. He needed to be the things embodied in that role. He needed to represent himself as a capable, willing partner for life. Once he became those things, Greg most likely would feel comfortable enough to share his life full-time with Nick.

The prospect of the tasks ahead exhilarated Nick. The old broad was right! Goals were great! Two days ago he contemplated changing his arrival time to delay seeing Greg as long as possible. Now, he couldn't wait to get home to him. He had so much to say, so much to ask forgiveness for. That part still made Nick's stomach clench. Greg loved him, he did. He would forgive him, Nick needed to be sure of that. He would know in just a few hours.

"They don't wait around for us forever. They surely don't." Nick couldn't bear the thought of losing Greg. The thought of Greg with someone else made his blood boil. He'd never considered himself the jealous type. Clearly, he was territorial when it came to Greg. "He's mine." Nick surprised himself by speaking the words aloud in the darkness of his room. "Mine," he repeated. Grinning, Nick rolled over to try to get a little sleep before the alarm sounded. He didn't think he'd get any, but if he was going to show Greg how glad he was to see him, he'd better try.

One thing he needed to do before he slept, though. He dug out his cell phone. He'd never sent a text back to Greg confirming the arrangement for pick-up at the airport. He'd do that now. And he'd add the words he hoped never to forget to use everyday from now on. "Love you always, Nick."