Title: How could I ever know?
Author: Lil Jei
Fandom: NCIS. CSI: NY. CSI: Miami.
Pairing: Mac/Claire then Mac/Danny.
Rating: PG 13
Word Ct: 900
Disclaimer: The shows and characters aren’t mine. I make no money off them I just make the angst that helps the fic world go round.
A/N: Subtle Het and Slash in abundance. And it’s another sorta song fic too.
Summary: Ummm that’s easy it’s all angsty character death and the reflections from said deaths.

Life was all grey and steely. Cold and damp was her world. She floated among the ruins of her life. Looking about her all she saw was decay and destruction. Her reality was one she longed to forget. Even now just visiting the site of her worst day was enough to make her held form shudder. She remembers living and she now knows death in the extreme.

But memories weren't what had her down from the heavens, from her comfort in death. No, it was the man she'd left behind. Death was never easy, for the dearly departed or those suffering a loss. And even now, she knew that her death had left a gaping wound within her husband. It hadn't been forever since she'd died, no barely a decade had passed but still he lingered here. At the site of her final demise, he came to pay homage. Breaking both their hearts over and over again in the process.

Amidst steel, concrete, and despair he came, he cried, and he found such determination and comfort. She physically hurt for him; she would always feel his pain, his longing. And she did her best to send him aid at his worst moments. Whether mental or physical she helped him from afar. Even her metaphysical presence was enough to give him some calm in the face of such storms he faced daily.

She had held hopes for his recovery but knew at times that it was long time coming. He had taken barely any time off from work, from being one man's savior and another's downfall. He'd burnt out so much so that he was faced with his own destruction. His health had been precarious at best when he'd come home from the Middle East and now it was his heart and body that was once again failing him. And that's how she found herself watching over her fallen warrior as he fought to get himself under control. A battle she knew he'd lose tonight. Things were coming to a head for her husband, things she couldn't bring herself to regret meddling in.

Looking back Claire remembers the early days. Even when they'd been happy and in young in love Mac had always had to be wary about his physical exertion. Hyper tension, strokes, and early deaths haunted his family line. And the profession he'd chosen certainly hadn't helped him in any way. So now, here he was crying and holding onto that steel fence with all his might. She moved closer to him and longed to hold him close. She listened as he muttered about early retirement, fatigue, and a dozen of other complaints but she knew nothing could be done. His career was at an end but that wasn't the real problem. He'd find something else and find a new way to help others. She found enlightenment as she heard him whisper "I can't leave him, not now when he still needs me. We just found one another Claire. I can't lose him too."

She gets over her moment of auditory shock as she watches another man approach her husband. She knew he'd been there, in the shadows, just listening. She knew it, because it wasn't the first time and probably wouldn't be the last. Or so she hoped. She knew Mac would never forget her but hopefully with this new man he'd move on and find some peace. She'd continue to watch out for Mac and now Danny but she now knew some of the contentment and peace that had been eluding her since death.

She faded from view and just watched as Mac was embraced from behind. She smiled as she remembered those types of hugs. She had known Mac had needed one but it was now up to Danny. Up to Danny to save Mac from himself and from her memory. She listened and had to fight the falling tears as Danny whispered "You won't lose me, where you go I go. For as long as you want me I'll be there." And Claire knows everything will be better when Mac turns to Danny and clinging to him softly say "Forever then." 

It had taken her death, war, and monumental stress for Mac to realize sometimes it didn't hurt to be the damsel in need of saving and care. She watches the two men just hold one another and fights off another round of tears. With a slight smile, she waves an invisible hand in the air as she disappears once more, ready to set upon another journey. She knows that just like Mac she would return many times to this spot. And maybe someday, when she was ready she'd find the sky beautiful and the flowers growing something other than sorrowful. And maybe someday she would be held again in the arms of her love, maybe.