Title: It's Not Unusual
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: gen, Ryan Wolfe
Fandom: CSI: Miami
Rating: PG-13
Author's Note: Spoilers for the S4 CSI: Miami episode "Nailed."
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Ryan Wolfe, unfortunately, just borrowing him for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Ryan ran a hand through his hair, leaning his head back on the couch and staring up at the ceiling. It had been a few weeks now since he'd gotten the patch off his eye, and he still felt apprehensive about opening doors, or even peering around corners.

The first few times he'd tried to look into a microscope at work, he'd found himself blinking and wincing, something that he'd never done before. He told himself that it was natrual to feel this way after what he'd been through, and that it wasn't going to last.

He'd been told by the doctor who had removed the nail from his eye that it wasn't unusual for people to have a reaction like the one he was experiencing, but it was still annoying to feel that he wasn't doing his job properly. It was not only annoying, it was more than a little scary.

What if Horatio or anyone else on the team happened to notice how this was affecting him? He had no doubt that they would want him to take time off -- and that was one thing he didn't want to do. If he did, he might not be able to overcome those fears.

Besides, he couldn't afford to do that. There was no need for him to take time away from work; he had been cleared for duty, and the doctor had said that he was recovering well. He might not have the perfect visiion he'd been used to, but there didn't seem to be any problems.

No, the problems were all in his mind, Ryan thought wryly. He couldn't shake the feeling that every time he looked around a corner, any time he opened a door, something was going to come shooting out at him, that the same thing would happen all over again.

Maybe it wasn't unusual to suffer from these kinds of feelings after that kind of incident, but it was still a very debilitating feeling to be hesitant about doing his job. He found himself holding back at times when he shouldn't be, which was something he'd never done before.

Ryan couldn't help wondering if the other team members had noticed it yet; he was sure that Alexx had, but she wasn't saying anything, either to him or to anyone else, and he was grateful for that. He already had enough problems; he didn't need more added to them.

Still, he was sure that at some point, Alexx would bring the subject up. She wasn't going to let him go on as he was, not if she thought that he could be a danger to himself or to others when he was on the job. And she would be right; he couldn't let that happen.

He raised a hand in front of his closed eyes; even though he couldn't see it, he could feel that he was trembling. There was nothing to be afraid of, nothing that was threatening him, no door to open, no object to look into. There was no reason for his hand to shake.

How long would it be before his teammates started to notice his reluctance to open doors, or to look into a microscope when he was in the lab? Could they have already noticed, and just hadn't said anything to him because they were unsure of how to approach the subject?

That couldn't be the case, he thought, dismissing the idea. Delko would be the first to go running straight to Horatio and tell him that Ryan wasn't fit to work; even though he had acted friendly at the hospital after Ryan had been released, he still didn't trust the other man.

He needed someone to confide in, and he didn't trust any of the people on the team. Even though he felt that he could trust Alexx to a point, she was more dedicated to the team and the job than to him; she was his closest friend, but he still didn't think she would understand.

Ryan sighed, opening his eyes and blinking up at the plaster ceiling. How much longer could this go on? He didn't think there was anything wrong with his eyes; in spite of a little blurring now and then, his vision didn't seem to be getting any worse.

But what if it did get worse? He wasn't completely convinced that it wouldn't, and that fear stayed with him all the time. He didn't want his vision to start going, to have to leave the job that he loved. That would destroy him in a way that nothing else could.

If his eyesight started to go, then he wouldn't be of any use here in the lab. He wouldn't be able to keep being a CSI -- and he probably wouldn't be much good as a cop, either. All he would be able to do was push papers, sit at a desk all day and hate every moment of it.

What was he going to do if that happened? The trembling of his hand increased, to the point where he couldn't hold it in front of him any longer. Ryan closed his eyes again, trying to push the burgeoning fear into the back fo his mind and lock it away.

He would have to go back to the doctors if he felt that his eyesight was starting to go. And that would force him to take time away from work, maybe even to leave until his sight began to clear up. He couldn't deal with that; he needed to work.

He had to be working, doing something productive, if only to keep his mind off of all that had happened in such a short space of time. He couldn't sit here at home, wondering if he would still have a plaec on the team after all was said and done.

Truthfully, he still didn't feel that he was an accepted, valued part of the team. He knew that he was still considering an outsider, that he was Speedle's replacement, and that Calleigh and Delko resented him just for being there. He wondered if their attitude was ever going to change.

Was that also not unusual for people who had been through the kind of trauma that he'd experienced? he wondered with another wry smile. Did everyone who had been through something so painful -- not to mention frightening -- start having doubts about their teammates?

Maybe that was something he needed to talk to a doctor about, too. Not a doctor who could look at his eyes, but one who could get inside his head. Maybe he needed to talk to a shrink, to sort out some of the feelings that he had about not being accepted.

Whether that was unusual or not, it was a feeling that he didn't like living with. But he wasn't sure that it would be a good idea to talk about it; he didn't particularly trust any shrink not to go to Horatio with the news that Ryan still didn't feel that he was a true part of the team.

Besides, he had other things to worry about at the moment -- such as the phobias that he seemed to be developing as a direct result of the nail gun incident. He couldn't let those feelings control his life; if they did, then he wouldn't be able to keep his job for long.

He had to try to get past the fears that he was dealing with. All he could do at this point was force himself to do those things that scared him; if he peered into enough microscopes and opened enough doors, then he would eventually put those fears behind him.

Ryan sat up, running his hand through his hair and taking a deep breath. He couldn't let those fears take him over; he had to be stronger than they were. He just hoped that he could be -- because if he wasn't, his life was going to be much harder from now on.

***