Title: Strong Enough to Love Me
By: dutchgirl71
Pairing: Nick/Rick
Rating: FRAO. As much as I tried to write a character study type thing without any smut, I failed. Let's face it; my mind is stuck in the gutter.
Warnings: takes place post Cockroaches/Laying down with dogs, so spoilers for those episodes and mentioning of Grave Danger.
Summary: Warrick suffers from a bad case of self-pity after being sent home.
Disclaimer: they don't belong to me, they belong to CBS, the producers of the show and most of all to each other.
A/N This one is inspired by a drabble I wrote recently and by starbright73 who more or less requested a fic of this particular one.

Yesterday Grissom sent me home and told me to take two weeks to 'clean up my act'. The official statement was I couldn't work because I was involved in a murder investigation, although he and I both know I didn't have anything to do with that. No, scratch that, I did have something to do with it, because I know the girl would be alive if we didn't end up sleeping together. Another mistake I can add up to my long list of mistakes made in the past. I don't even know what I was trying to prove there, but my brain wasn't really functioning that night.

Tina and I had decided to call it quits a few weeks before and things had gotten real nasty real quick. So I choose the easiest way to escape and started taking sleeping pills, quickly followed by some uppers to try and keep functioning at work somehow. Of course that came out. I should have known better than try and fool a team of investigators.

Nick was the first to realize something was going wrong. The guy reads me like a book, but then again, he's the only one that probably really knows me. He caught me popping pills during work hours, which wasn't the smartest thing to do in the first place. He got up in my face, asking me what the fuck I was doing. I tried to shrug it off, but he didn't budge. Grabbed the bottle of pills and tossed them in the garbage can. The can was clean, so it only took me 2 minutes to find them all back after he left.

It all went downhill from that moment; although I must admit I was on a slippery slope anyway.

That whole night is a blur when I try to recollect what has happened. I vaguely remember going to that strip club to get a rise out of Lou Gedda and find a way to arrest him. The fucker saw right through me.

How I ended up in that hotel room with Candy, I have no idea. I blacked out in the taxi I took to that hotel and whatever happened there isn't anything other than a vague recollection of bits and pieces in my mind. I'm pretty sure we've slept together, although I can't have performed too well with about half a pharmacy and two bottles of champagne in my system. I'm just glad I didn't throw up all over her.

So, after I was dismissed from the lab there was not much to do but go home. As much as I wanted to stick around and try to get back at Gedda for killing Candy, I knew I couldn't. The evidence would be tainted the moment I'd touch it, and I didn't want to risk letting him off the hook because of a technicality.

Home, by the way, was an apartment with hardly any furniture in it at the moment, since my not-so-loving-soon-to-be-ex-wife pretty much cleared it out when I was working a double shift. Thank fuck she left me a mattress, a fridge and the TV, a single man's necessities.

What I really wanted to do is take a double dose of sleeping pills and just pass out for the night, but I managed to resist the urge. Instead I opted for watching TV until my brain went completely numb, hoping to fall asleep any time soon.

It didn't work that way, of course. Instead I spent hours on end going over everything I had done wrong in my life so far. The people I hurt by being too selfish to really care about them, the ones I chased away and the ones that were still there. It was a long depressing list of mistakes, leaving not much to be proud of. I'm not a nice guy, it's that simple. I'm a selfish man that lets his own needs prevail over those of others, and I'm too stubborn to fess up to those wrongdoings. I left a lot of people behind without looking back and even in relationships I only cared what was in it for me. Hell, wasn't that how I ended up having that one-night stand with Candy in the first place? Not because I was into her, but because I wanted to nail Gedda.

Nope, I definitely was not proud of myself at this very moment. And with that thought in mind, I managed to drift off to sleep.

A persistent knocking on the door woke me a few hours later. It took me a while to wake up enough to make my way to the door.

'Yeah yeah, I'm coming!' I yelled, hoping it would make the loud knocking stop.

'You're oversharing!' A familiar voice answered. 'Just wipe yourself clean and open the door. Game's on in five.'

I swung the door open. 'Stokes, you know that's not what I was talking about.'

Nick grinned. 'Judging by your bad case of bed hair I'm guessing it wasn't.'

He walked past me without even asking if he could come in and took a moment to look around.

'Man, she really took everything, didn't she,' he stated.

I merely nodded. 'Wanna sit down?' I asked. 'I'd offer you a chair if I had one, but the mattress is serving as a couch as well now, so..'

Without further invitation Nick dropped down on the mattress, stuffing a pillow behind his back before kicking off his shoes and stretching his legs.

'Can I get you a drink?'

'Sure,' he answered. 'What have you got?'

'Only beer and liquor. But I can run down to the store to get you something else if you want.'

Nick held up one hand. 'Hell no, beer's just fine.'

He grabbed the remote and turned on the TV to a sports channel. If it wasn't for the change of decoration and the lack of actual furniture it almost seemed like a usual sports night. I handed him his beer and we watched the game in silence. Or rather, Nick watched the game and I got lost in my own thoughts again.

Nick. Another one of the people I used and hurt in the past. Maybe I hurt him the most of all, which says a lot. He is the one that's been there no matter what. We were friends ever since we met and somehow that grew into something more. I called it being friends with benefits, but I didn't even fool myself with that. I loved him, even though I never told him so. Just like I knew he loved me. And he came so close that I could end up getting hurt. Too close for comfort, but I couldn't resist the way he made me feel.

And then came that one horrid night. I should have been there for him after his 'ordeal', but I got so caught up in the realization that life was, in fact, short that instead of supporting my best friend, I abandoned him to get married to a girl I hardly knew. It hit him hard, I could tell, and I regretted both the abandoning and the marriage the moment I saw him again but, like always, I didn't want to admit it. Not to Nick, not to Tina and maybe most of all not to myself.

Look where that got me.

But after a short period we both needed to cool off a bit, our friendship restored and maybe even deepened. I was glad it did, because although I'm not a good friend, I still considered Nick to be my best friend and I really missed having him around on a regular basis. It was almost like old times again, but without the sex. I crashed on his couch numerous times after the umpteenth fight with Tina, we went out again and restored our game night tradition. I still felt guilty, but that slowly faded. And Nick had told me over and over again that he understood.

And the thing is: I really think he did. Because he's one of the few people I never managed to scare away. Even in my darkest of moods, when I intentionally try to hurt people, he sticks around. Tells me I'm a humongous asshole that needs to get a grip and/or a reality check, yells back when I start yelling at him but never loses faith in me.

And usually the understanding I see in his soulful eyes calms me down without too much effort. Like he sees right through me and sees the person I hardly ever show anybody. The person that's so scared of being hurt that he just goes about hurting everyone before they can really get to him. He knows me, the real me, and he just takes the crap that goes with it for granted.

But even he doesn't know everything there is to know about me. I've never told him my biggest secret. That during his time in the coffin I got so freakin scared of losing the only thing that really mattered to me, the only person I ever really loved unconditionally, that I needed to move on to someone else in order to prevent myself from getting hurt by this love and the possibility of losing it all.

'Earth to Warrick!'

I turned my head to face him. 'What?'

Nick chuckled. 'Man, Rick, I've been talking to you for five minutes now and you didn't even blink once.'

Then he turned serious. 'Wanna tell me what's on your mind?'

My defenses immediately shot up again. 'What are you now? Dr. Phil?'

Nick shifted on the mattress until he sat crossed-legged in front of me, looking me straight in my eyes.

'Right,' he said. 'Here we go again. You want me to get angry first and yell? Then you can yell back at me, then we shut up all pissed off and you end up telling me what's wrong anyway. Whaddaya say we skip the yelling for once?'

I only huffed in response, knowing I was busted again.

He reached out and cupped my face, forcing me to look at him. 'Come on man,' he pleaded. 'Talk to me. You gotta let it out sometime.'

And damn the man for getting under my skin over and over again. Before I could do anything to stop it, I felt tears welling up in my eyes and about half a second later I was pulled into a pair of strong arms that just held me. He didn't try to calm me down with soothing words that wouldn't work in the first place, didn't tell me it was all going to be okay now, didn't make any promises he couldn't keep, he just held me until my crying subsided.

After a few last hiccups, I finally lifted my head from his shoulder, my eyes lowered, not completely ready to look at him. Nick loosened his grip a little, but kept his arms around me in a silent support.

'Better now?' he asked. 'Guess you kinda needed to get it out, didn't ya?'

I nodded, realizing I did in fact feel relieved now most of the tension I'd built up had gone.

'Ready to talk now?' Nick asked tentatively. 'Or you wanna go back to pretending you're watching the game?'

'Fuck you Stokes,' I said gruffly.

'Well,' he answered casually, stroking my back with one of his hands, 'if that's what you need…'

To say I was baffled would be the understatement of the century. 'What?'

'I said,' Nick repeated, 'if that's what you need…'

'I heard you the first time, Nick,' I said, desperately trying to wrap my head around this proposal that was both unexpected and very very welcome. 'But I don't want to be some kind of pity-fuck.'

'Rick, you may be a lot of things to me, but you'll never be a pity-fuck.' He ducked his head a little to look me in the eyes again. 'You should know that by now.'

His eyes, the beautiful brown orbs I could read so easily, showed a myriad of emotions. I saw compassion, friendship, even fear and insecurity, but most of all they were filled with love. And it was at that very moment that I realized exactly how strong Nick was, and how much faith he must have had in me to be dealing with everything that happened in the past years and somehow still manage to love me.

'You sure?' I had to know. Needed to know he really wanted this and didn't do this to make me feel better. That would only leave me feeling worse afterwards.

'Yes, I am.' His answer was without an ounce of doubt. 'I think we've spent way too long pretending your marriage has ended the tension between us. It didn't work for either one of us, did it?'

A whole set of alarm bells went off in my head, chiming their 'noooo, don't let people get too close' tune. But for the first time ever, I didn't feel like listening to those noisy bastards. Not when the one thing I wanted for so long was practically literally dropped in my lap again.

'So', Nick continued, sounding a bit nervous now by my lack of response. 'What do you think?'

'I think', I said slowly, unable to prevent a sly grin from creeping up on my lips, 'I think you're a bit overdressed for me to fuck you.'

His eyes got a little darker and I saw him licking his lips in that nervous but oh so sexy kind of way that never failed to drive me crazy with want. Never taking his eyes of me, he started unbuttoning his shirt, exposing more skin with every movement of his hands. I couldn't stop watching him and my right hand seemed to move on its own accord, touching the skin on his chest and feeling the way it made Nick draw in a breath, before making its way to his neck.

Slowly I closed the distance between us. Tangling my hand in his hair to draw him closer I kissed him for the first time in over two years. It felt new and yet so familiar. His lips as soft as I remembered, but the intensity of our kiss exceeded every memory I had. I wanted to take my time, savor this moment to replace the old memories, memories that had a line of sadness and loss surrounding them, but it seemed Nick had other ideas.

He tightened his arms around me again and opened his mouth a little, inviting me in. I deepened our kiss and pulled him down on the mattress with me. He lay down on top of me and broke our kiss for a brief moment to look into my eyes.

'I've missed you Rick,' he murmured. 'Missed this, us.'

His words brought a lump to my throat, and I could only nod and pull him back down for another kiss. Without breaking it, he moved a bit to straddle me. Leaning on one hand, he used the other one to open the buttons of my shirt, caressing every inch of skin he exposed. For a moment I felt uncomfortable with the way I must look, realizing I wasn't exactly in my best shape ever, but when I saw the look of unbridled want in his eyes that awkwardness quickly faded.

He pulled me up a little to get me out of my shirt before getting out of his'. I fell back down and took a moment to look at him, soft skin over hard muscles, before I brought my hands up to touch him, stroking his abs and moving up to his stomach and chest. The moment I touched his nipples, that are more sensitive than I've ever seen on anybody, he arched into my touch and ground his hips against mine, leaving me no doubt about his arousal.

My own cock had gotten hard the moment I felt his weight on top of me after all this time and I couldn't hold back a moan when Nick moved just enough to make sure his erection touched mine with every movement. Resting on his hands, looming over me, he kept grinding in a leisurely pace that was bound to drive me crazy very fast. But unlike our previous times together, I felt a strong need to take my time, rediscover every inch of Nick and mark him as mine.

I used my current advantage in weight to roll us over and try to regain some of my control. Gripping his wrists, I brought them up over his head where I pinned them down to the mattress with one hand.

'Keep 'em there baby,' I whispered close to his ear, surprised by the hoarseness of my own voice. My other hand ghosted over the skin of his side, making him shiver. His head fell back, exposing the skin of his neck and I couldn't restrain myself. I had to taste every little piece of him. I sucked on the delicate skin hard enough to leave a mark, and seeing the skin turn almost purple the moment I drew back shot a wave of possessiveness through me that only got me harder.

'Ri-ick,' he groaned when I took a moment to admire my work. 'Do something man!'

I winked at him before I dipped my head again and made my way down his chest, exploring every little detail as if it were the first time and paying some extra attention to his nipples; the hardened little nubs that were simply begging for attention.

Never upping my pace, I descended down his stomach and abs, swirling my tongue around his navel and nipping and biting at every piece of skin I came across.

A constant stream of pleas came from Nick, who was writhing beneath me now. Begging me to please please take off his pants and fuck him. And it was that begging that got to me even more than the feeling of having Nick under me again. I couldn't get over the fact that he'd give himself to me so completely and without any reservations.

I sat back on my haunches so I could finally open his jeans and give his cock the room it so desperately needed by now. It sprang free after opening only three buttons, rock hard and leaking. I felt Nick's eyes on me when I licked my lips and brought my head back down, ready to suck him into oblivion.

A strong hand tugging at my hair stopped me about an inch from my goal. I must have looked a bit bewildered when I looked up, because Nick let out a throaty chuckle.

'Something wrong?' I asked him, a bit worried.

'No, God no, nothing wrong.' A blush colored his already flushed face a shade or two darker. 'But I want to come when you're buried deep inside of me and I know I won't be able to hold that off when you're going to blow me now.'

His eyes widened at the smirk that formed on my lips. I stood up for a second or two to get out of my own pants and rushed to the bathroom where I'd stored the lube and condoms now that I didn't have a night stand.

When I got back I settled myself on my stomach between his thighs, ignoring his protests. I took the base of his cock in a firm grip to prevent him from coming and swirled my tongue around the head of his cock, tasting the droplets of pre-cum, before taking him in my mouth as deep as I possibly could. Nick immediately bucked up and spread his legs in a silent invitation.

And that silent invitation was the end of my restraint. I was so hard it almost hurt, and the need to get inside that hot tight ass was too overpowering to ignore any longer. I poured some lube on my fingers and started preparing him as quickly but yet carefully as I possibly could, never taking my mouth off him nor loosen my grip around his cock.

When I was convinced Nick was ready, I reluctantly withdrew my fingers from his ass and my mouth from his cock. I quickly put the condom on and added some lube on my erection, before I took hold of his legs and lifted them up so his calves rested on my shoulders. Slowly I entered him, holding Nick's hips in a firm grip so he could do little more than hang on and enjoy the ride.

Because despite my best intentions, there was no holding back, not anymore. Locking my eyes with Nick and seeing how they were dilated to dark pools of desire was almost enough to make me come on the spot.

Alternating between going slowly while stroking the sensitive skin of his inner thighs and upping the pace while holding his hips, aiming for his prostate with every single thrust, I tried to draw it out as long as humanly possible. But Nick was too far gone for that, begging me to please make him come, please touch him.

It only took a few jerks, before he came with a loud moan, his eyes closed, arching off the bed and splattering semen all over his stomach.

The feeling of Nick clamping down on me was enough to send me over the edge as well. Unable to support my weight any longer on arms that seemed to have gone boneless, I fell down on Nick. I felt his heart beat rapidly against my own while his arms were still holding me and a feeling of belonging overwhelmed me. Before I knew it tears were welling up in my eyes again.

'Oh fuck, not again,' I groaned, blinking hard to clear my vision.

'It's okay Rick,' Nick crooned in my ear, breathing still a bit heavy. 'You've had a rough couple of weeks baby, it had to find a way out somehow.'

And maybe it was because I was feeling this emotional, but suddenly the words I hardly ever had uttered before came out.

'I love you Nick.' I said, lifting my head to look him in the eyes.

'I already knew that Rick,' he answered, hint of a smile around his lips. 'I never doubted it, too. I just had to wait until you were ready to admit it to yourself.'

And then, chuckling. 'Can't help it that you're a little slow on the uptake though.'

I chuckled through my tears, glad he lifted the mood, before I could find enough strength to push myself up a little and carefully pull out of him. I rolled us onto our sides, legs tangled and arms around each other.

'Glad you had the patience to wait for me,' I whispered, showering kisses on every bit of skin I could reach without moving too much.

'You're more than worth it Rick,' he said with confidence, before turning his head towards the TV. 'Guess we missed the game, didn't we?'

'Not entirely,' I answered, 'but if you give me a few minutes, I can guarantee you that you'll miss the last quarter as well.'

Then I turned serious again. 'But you do realize you're about to get yourself into a pretty messy relationship, don't you?'

At his questioning look, I started explaining. 'I've just gotten a divorce, have no money whatsoever except for what's in my wallet, don't own anything but this apartment and the stuff you see, and I may be taking a bit too many different types of medications lately.'

Nick looked at me with the same confidence that was audible in his voice earlier. 'Have you ever seen me run when things got messy between us?'

I shook my head.

'So I won't do that now. We'll get through this. We'll probably fight, spend some quality time making up and come out stronger in the end.'

He looked me straight in my eyes again. 'Believe me Warrick. And if you don't think you're strong enough to see this through, just keep in mind that I am. Maybe not always, but when it comes to dealing with you I am.'

He was so right. So goddamn right I couldn't believe I hadn't seen it before. He's always been my rock in hard times, the one that wasn't afraid to put me in my place when he felt I needed it and the one that took me for a night of serious drinking if he thought I'd need some distraction from whatever was on my mind at the time.

And I'm both glad and humbled by the fact that he didn't give up on us and was strong enough to keep believing in it, just as I'm believing it now.