Title: Shoulda, woulda, coulda.
Author: Lil Jei
Fandom: CSI: Miami
Pairing: H/Speed Implied.
Rating: PG 13???
Wd Ct: 500+
Prompt: http://pics.livejournal.com/darkhavens/pic/001872cx
Summary/A/N/Disclaimer: Yea it’s a way depressing fic outcome. Who would dare abuse H??? And why would he stay?.......It’s un-beta’d and a rush of the momentary muse but oh well. * = thoughts. And the show and characters are so not mine just the angst. Very much AU.

*What the fuck was he doing here?* Speed honestly wanted to know the answer to that question as he trudged through the pouring rain and rushing wind. He'd never been fond of outrageous weather but damn did Miami have it in for him today, yesterday, and even last week too. Sniffling a bit he tried to keep his nose reigned in. He'd been fighting off a cold ever since his last visit to the ER. Damn them, really he always got sicker leaving than going in.

*Oh well, can't do much about that or anything really* he thinks to himself. There really were some days that Speed hated his own pessimism. His lack of tact and bouts with honesty hurt him just as much as it could others. Sometimes it got to him worse. His lacking of societal niceties never won him any favor with anyone. But it wasn't as if he could help it. He had been born and raised that way.

Maybe he was a defective toy of sorts after all. He’d heard it all his life from family and now with his current relationship on the rocks he really hated himself. He’d never been so out of sorts. And now he was losing all he held dear just cause he couldn’t stop. His silver tongue had been lashing out at his lover for many months now and now he facing the consequences.

He’d known H had had a sucky childhood growing up just as much or worse than he had. But he hadn’t known how bad things would get before H just woke up and left. After having been together, almost a decade Speed had started taking his lover for granted. Neither of them had noticed him slipping down the slope of never going back. And now neither of them could take the things done back. He’d done the regrettable and had physically lashed out the other night. Up til then it had all been a mental mind fuck with his lover but he’d gotten so angry and out of sorts that it had just happened.

Speed doesn’t really remember the hitting but he remembers the tears that H had shed as he walked away. He’d seen his lover cry before and had held him through nightmares but just at that moment Speed with a gasp had realized he was now the nightmare. And his long awaited dream come true had just walked out on him and he knew it was for good.

So maybe he did deserve this shitty weather. The great city of Miami was probably pissed with him over his treatment of her protector. *Lord knows Alexx and Calleigh were* he thinks with a rub towards his black eye. And as he continued on through the mud and muck, he had hopes that one day Miami and his life would shine again. But he knew without H his outlook would just get bleaker but that was his own damn fault. *Always is* he silently chants to himself as he opens the door to his future, otherwise known as his newly mandated group therapy session.