Title: Should I Say Yes
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ryan Wolfe/Jesse Cardoza
Fandom: CSI: Miami
Rating: PG-13
Author's Note: This is an AU series -- Jesse is obviously still alive & well!
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Ryan Wolfe or Jesse Cardoza, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Ryan took a deep breath as he closed the door of his locker, feeling his heart thump in his chest. Any moment now, Jesse would come into the locker room, and the two of them would either leave work together, or they would sublimate their desires for the night.

He didn't want to do that -- at least, he didn't think he did. But it had been so long since he'd been with anyone, and he wasn't sure that he was making the right decision to jump into a physical relationship with a person he had to work with.

true, he'd dated Natalia, but it had been the most uncomfortable two dates of his life. They were definitely a lot better off as friends -- but he wasn't so sure that just being friends would work with Jesse. The desire ran too hot and too strong -- apparently for both of them.

He wanted Jesse more than he'd ever wanted anyone. He wanted to be with this man, to hold him, to kiss him, to spend the night wrapped in his arms. He wanted Jesse to make love to him -- and he wanted to make love to Jesse, too. He wanted it all.

Ryan wanted the two of them to do everything that two consenting adult males could do to each other. all day long, he'd been daydreaming about what it would be like to get behind closed doors with Jesse, where they could do anything they wanted to each other.

And now that the time was getting nearer, he found himself hesitating. What was wrong with him? he asked himself. Jesse had already said that he wanted the same things that he did. So why was he suddenly starting to feel as though saying yes might be the wrong thing?

This couldn't possibly be wrong. It felt far more right than being with a woman did; he'd never really questioned why he hadn't been interested in some of the women who had thrown themselves at him, but maybe this was why. Maybe he had just been waiting for Jesse.

If Jesse wanted them to be together tonight, then he wasn't going to turn the other man down. He was going to push this hesitant feeling away, and jump in with both feet. He was going to leap before he looked, for once in his life. This time, he wasn't going to play it safe.

Still, it was hard to know just what he should do. He already knew that Jesse wanted him -- and he couldn't deny that he wanted Jesse, too. This kind of desire was something he'd never felt before; all he had to do was look at Jesse, and he felt like he was melting from the inside out.

But what if it didn't last? Ryan asked himself worriedly. What if they jumped into bed, and then found out that they couldn't make it work, that they were too different? They would still have to work together, and that could be awkward. He'd seen it happen before.

He didn't want to feel that way with Jesse. He didn't want them to rush into something that might not work out, and regret it later. He wanted them to be able to maintain a friendship if things didn't work out -- yet he didn't want to pass up what might be the chance of a lifetime.

If they jumped into a sexual relationship head first, without taking the time to get to know each other, then they wouldn't have a friendship that was already established to fall back on if things didn't work out between them. They'd be nothing more than work colleagues, at best.

That wasn't how he wanted his relationship with Jesse to end up. He wanted them to be a couple, to be together for a very long time to come -- maybe even for the rest of their lives. He didn't want to jump into this too quickly and have it burn out as fast as it had started.

But how could he tell Jesse that he thought they should try to take things a little more slowly? He didn't want Jesse to think that he'd changed his mind, or that he wasn't interested. He just wasn't sure that they should sleep together on what he hoped would only be their first night.

There were so many things they could do other than having sex, Ryan told himself. Taking things slowly didn't mean that they couldn't enjoy each other; it only meant that they were taking their time, building up to the first time they actually slept together.

Building up to that point, rather than just jumping in without looking, would make that first time all the better for both of them. He wanted that first time to be special; he wanted it to be the best sex that either of them had ever had, to be something that drew them even closer.

Would Jesse understand that -- or would he feel that Ryan was rejecting him already? It wasn't an easy thing to do, to make himself hold back when he wanted to be with Jesse so badly. But something told him that if they did hold back, they'd be glad of it in the long run.

If he pulled back now, would Jesse think that he was a tease and turn away from him? That was the last thing he wanted; but it might be a risk that he had to take. Still, Ryan didn't think that Jesse was the kind of person who would turn away so soon after professing his interest.

If he explained his feelings to Jesse, he might even find out that the other man felt the same, and that he agreed with all that Ryan had to say. But there was always the chance that he wouldn't -- and that was what Ryan was most afraid of.

Should he say yes, and throw caution to the winds? What was the best course of action? He only had a few minutes to decide -- he had to make up his mind quickly, and then take the path that he decided on, without looking back. There would be time for that later.

Ryan's steps slowed as he went out to the parking lot to get into his car; he was going to wait for Jesse to come out, and then they could talk. He was parked in the far corner of the lot, and Jesse's car was only a couple of spaces away. No one would hear their conversation.

If he said yes, he would be taking the risk that he and Jesse wouldn't work out as a couple, and that they would have some very awkward times ahead of them at work. But then again, if he didn't say yes, he might risk losing Jesse before they'd even begun.

He watched as Jesse emerged from the building, shading his eyes from the sunlight as the other man walked towards him. A rush of desire washed over his body; to say that he wanted Jesse would be like saying that the ocean was just a little wet. He'd never known a desire like this.

What was he going to say when Jesse was standing here in front of him? Would he say yes, or would he say that they needed to take things a little more slowly? And if he chose the second option, what would Jesse say to that? Would he turn away, or would he agree?

Ryan almost held his breath as Jesse stopped to say something to Walter; so many things seemed to be delaying the moment when he would have to make his decision. Was he being given a reprieve, given more time to make up his mind, or was this fate's way of teasing him?

He wished that he knew the right thing to do without even thinking about it. He didn't want to have to make such a momentous choice; he wanted everything to fall into place, for the decision to come easily, and to be absolutely sure that he'd done the right thing once that choice was made.

But life was never that easy, and he knew it. Choices were all around him all the time; he was usually never so hesitant whenever he had to make a decision, even about something important. But this wasn't just a single big decision; this involved the rest of his life.

This decision involved his heart -- and that was why it was so hard to know which direction was the right one to take. If he made the wrong decision, and lost his chance with Jesse because of it, he knew that he would carry the regret in his heart forever.

"Hi," Jesse said as he approached Ryan, a smile on his face. "So, what about going out for dinner and talking a little more? There's so much I want to know about you, Ryan." His voice lowered, the words almost a caress. "I want to drown in you. I want to know everything."

Ryan couldn't speak for a moment; he felt the same way about Jesse. He wanted them to belong to each other in every way possible, for them to know all there was to know about each other. He wanted this to be the first day of the rest of their lives as a couple.

He nodded, not trusting himself to speak for a few heartbeats. When he did, his voice wasn't nearly as shaky as he'd thought it would be; it was as though his heart had already made up his mind for him, and it was determined to speak past any hesitation he might have.

"Sounds great to me," he answered, unable to stop himself from saying the words that he'd had in his mind for the past few moments, the words he'd been agonizing over. It was amazing how easily they came out. "Your place or mine after dinner? I can go either way."

He had no idea what kind of response he hoped for; he didn't know if he wanted Jesse to reflect what he'd been thinking himself and say that they should take things slowly, or if he wanted the other man to offer some idea of where they should go, to decide the issue for him.

"My place is kind of a mess," Jesse admitted, smiling sheepishly. "But if you don't mind, I'd like to stop by there and get some clean clothes. I know that we're not working tomorrow unless we get called in on a new case, but I'm planning on spending the night with you, if you want me to."

Suddenly, there was no longer a question, no longer any indecision in his mind. Ryan no longer wondered if he should say yes; with that one smile, with those few words, it had already been decided for him. There was only one way to go, one direction for his life to move in.

"Yes," he murmured, returning Jesse's smile wholeheartedly. He wanted to reach out and take Jesse's hand, but he would wait until later, when they could touch more intimately without being seen. Just the thought of that made Ryan's heart flutter; he couldn't wait to see where the night would take them.

***