Title: The Ache of Loss
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Greg Sanders/Nick Stokes
Fandom: CSI: Vegas
Rating: PG-13
Table: writers_choice
Prompt: #469, Heal
Author's Note: Post-ep for the S11 CSI: Vegas episode "Cello and Goodbye", and a sequel to the Greg/Nick fic "You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory". Completely unrelated to the other Greg/Nick series that I write.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Greg Sanders or Nick Stokes, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Nick watched Greg surreptitiously as his boyfriend stood at the sink, rinsing the dinner dishes before sliding them into the dishwasher. He loved watching Greg do little things like this around the house; somehow, it made him feel closer to his lover.

It was strange that he was already thinking of Greg as being his lover again, even though they still hadn't slept together. Oh, they had slept in the same bed, but no sex had taken place. And really, Nick was comfortable with that, at least for the time being.

He had no desire to push Greg into sex. He knew that his boyfriend was still grieving from his loss, and he fully intended to let Greg take as much time as he needed. He knew what it was like to lose someone he loved, even though he himself had never lost a lover.

And Greg had been planning to spend the rest of his life with Jonah, so Nick could only imagine how it felt to lose him. No, he wasn't going to push Greg to stop grieving and take up the threads of their old life again. Really, they could never do that.

They couldn't go back to their old life; they had to make the one that they had in front of them better than the one that had come before. He knew that he couldn't slip back into his old ways, or he would lose Greg again -- no doubt for good this time.

Nick wasn't going to allow that to happen. From now on, Greg would come first in his life. He had found out just how big a mistake it had been to put his career and his ambitions above the man he loved; he would never let himself make that mistake again.

Just the thought of losing Greg made him feel sick; it had happened once, and he had thought that it was forever. He'd been lucky to have been given a second chance; Greg hadn't had to take him back after Jonah had died. But he had, and Nick was grateful for it.

He tried to show just how grateful he was in little ways, every day that they were together. He went out of his way to do things for Greg, and to tell his boyfriend that he was loved. It was a lot more than he'd done when they had been a couple before.

Before, he had treated Greg shamefully, as though he was an afterthought. Nick was thoroughly ashamed of his behavior then; he was determined never to repeat it, to go out of his way to make sure that Greg always knew he was first in Nick's heart.

Besides, what was ambition and his career compared to the one true love of his life? He could get a job anywhere; he could go into law enforcement in any place he chose to do so. But he could only find one Greg to love him.

The memory of what it had felt like to not have Greg in his life came back to haunt him at odd times; when he was working in the field, whether Greg was there or not, and in the dead of night, when he awakened from a dream, or rather, a nightmare.

All he had to do to lift himself from that nightmare was look down at the pillow beside him, to see the man he loved sleeping there, in his bed, in his arms, in his life. Just seeing Greg's sleeping face made relief wash over him; Greg was here again, and they were together.

He wouldn't have denied Greg his time with Jonah; the other man had obviously loved Greg very much, and Greg had returned those feelings. Nick would never begrudge him that love; love was hard enough to find, and Greg deserved all that he could get.

But still, he had felt lonely and bereft when they'd been parted, and he couldn't help but feel happy to have Greg back in his life. He just hoped that his boyfriend had been able to heal from his loss, and that he would eventually be able to move on.

He was healing in small ways; Nick could see that. He still went to Jonah's grave, but not nearly as often as he used to, and Greg smiled a lot more these days. There were times when Nick could hear his laugh ring out, and that made him smile himself.

There had been a time when he wondered if Greg would ever smile again, or if Jonah's death would be with him forever. Healing from any loss wasn't easy, but when it was the loss of a lover, Nick knew that there was a special kind of grief that came with it.

But Greg was healing. Nick saw proof of that every day. He hadn't forgotten about Jonah, of course, and the grief was still with him. But it wasn't as debilitating now; Greg could actually talk about Jonah and their time together without bursting into tears.

He could even smile about some of the silly things he and Jonah had done together. Nick had thought that he didn't want to hear about things like that; he'd thought that they would make him jealous. But for some reason, they didn't.

He actually enjoyed hearing about the love Greg and Jonah had shared, and he realized that he was grateful to Jonah for having made Greg so happy. Even if their time together had been brief, it had meant a great deal to Greg, and Nick was glad that they'd had that time.

Though as far as he was concerned, even when Greg had been with Jonah and the two of them had been in love, Greg had still belonged to him. Even Jonah had said that Greg had never stopped loving him, and that he never would. Nick believed those words.

He and Greg had always shared something special, even before they had become lovers. Their friendship had grown and developed into something more, and Nick had always thought that it would last forever. It had been a horrible blow to him when he and Greg had broken up.

He'd known exactly what he had lost, and that was what had made it so hard to deal with. That, and the fact that he knew he'd had only himself to blame. He could lay that blame squarely at his own feet; it was the way he had treated Greg that had made his boyfriend leave.

It had taken him a long time to heal -- and even now, he didn't think that he had healed completely. There would always be a part of him that felt the ache of loss, the grief of losing the love of his life, even though he'd eventually gotten that love back.

Just as there would always be a part of Greg that felt the ache of missing Jonah, and all that they could have been that would never come to fruition now. Nick swore that he would try to make up for that, and try to make Greg happy for the rest of their lives.

That was the very least he could do for the man he loved. Greg had shown him how to be happy, and how to love. He wanted to prove that he had learned those lessons well. He wanted to prove that he was worthy of Greg, and of the love they shared.

If a part of Greg still grieved for Jonah, then Nick would let him keep that grief for himself. He couldn't deny Greg that part of himself; it would be like denying all that they had been through to find each other again, and Nick could never find it in his heart to do that.

They'd both had a lot to heal from, but now they were well on their way to recovery. It was a long road, but they were traveling it together, and Nick was grateful for that. Being with Greg during the healing process was more help than he'd thought he would have.

No sooner had he felt that he was starting to heal from the horrible feeling of losing Greg, than he'd had his love back in his arms again. But things were different now, and Nick was never letting things go back to the way they had been before.

He'd been a selfish ass, and he was the first to admit it. But there would be no more of that, from now on, he was dedicated to Greg, devoted to making him happy. And if that meant putting their relationship above everything else in his life, then he had no problem with that.

Before, he would have balked at that, would have thought that his career was more important. It had taken losing Greg to make him realize just what was important in his life -- and that was Greg. He would never lose sight of that fact again.

Their healing had been slow, in every aspect. But they were both seeing the results of that healing now, and their relationship was stronger than ever. Nick felt that his life had vastly improved, and he was determined to make sure that improvement kept growing.

Nick smiled as he sauntered into the kitchen to wrap his arms around Greg from behind just as the other man finished putting the dishes into the dishwasher. Yes, they were both healing. And more importantly, they were doing it together.

***