Title: What's left of Me
Author: PsychoticScam
Pairing: Horatio/Speed
Rating: PG-13
TimeLine: Right after Lost Son
Summary: Horatio looks back.
Beta: None, open though.
Author's Note: This hit me when I was watching the Nick Lachey 'What's Left Of Me' MusicVideo and couldn't help it.
Archive: Wing me down and tell me where.
100 Song Challenge: Random Pairings
Prompt #98 - WC - What's left of Me

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Watch my life pass me by

In the rear view mirror

Pictures frozen in time

Are becoming clearer

I don't want to waste another day stuck in the shadow of my mistakes

Horatio Caine stood tall, though inside he was broken in one thousand pieces. It's been a year now, since Speed died. He'd wake up every morning, cold and alone, and on it's own accord, his arm would reach out beside him, only to fall against the sheeted matress.

It was habit.

When he did manage to drag himself from the bed, he'd end up with two cups of coffee, only to remember it was only him now.

When he was on his way to the Lab, he'd find himself looking into the mirror of the exterior of his vehicle, as if expecting to see that yellow Bike he'd see every morning, only to remember that it was still wrapped in the garage.

When he was sitting at his desk, he'd focus on that door, waiting for Speed to come through, but then he'd remember, he's only got his picture left.

He couldn't escape him. He was stuck.

'Cause I want you

And I feel you

Crawlin' underneath my skin

Like a hunger

Like a burning

To find a place I've never been

Now I'm broken,

And I'm faded,

I'm half the man I'd thought I would be:

But you can have what's left of me.

He had always felt a longing towards Speed, a loving one, a wanting one.

He had always loved the feel of him, underneath him while he was inside him.

Like he was some sort of addictive drug, impossible to forgot or leave him.

He craved Speed, his taste.

He craved Speed, his touch.

He'd go to the ends of the earth for him, if need be.

His heart was broken, shattered to microscopic shards.

His soul was fading, leaving him behind to follow Speed.

Horatio lost the other half of his life.

Horatio lost everything, and his shattered heart was what was left.

I've been dying inside,

Little by little.

No where to go,

But going out of my mind.

In endless circles,

Running from myself until you gave me a reason for standing still.

Ever since the service, he'd been going to Speed's grave. And it felt like each time, he felt himself lose even more of himself, time by time.

When he'd get home, he'd always wish for that kiss he'd get once he entered the kitchen, sometimes he'd feel it, but knew it was just his mind.

It was Speed who had helped him, who had stopped him from running from himself, to stay where he was, despite the fact of his brother.

'Cause I want you

And I feel you

Crawlin' underneath my skin

Like a hunger

Like a burning

To find a place I've never been

Now I'm broken,

And I'm faded,

I'm half the man I'd thought I would be:

But you can have what's left of me.

He remembers holding him. He remembers calling for back up, a strong urgancy in his tone.

He remembers blocking out everything but Speed. He remembers reassuring him, telling him to hold on.

How Speed convulsed then died.

How the light that once filled his lovers' eyes fade, then vanish.

How he forgot about telling Speed to clean his gun.

Now his heart burns every night as he tells himself not to scrub away at invisible blood.

Now he struggles with cooping from watching his lover fade in front of his eyes.

Now he wishes he had been the other half of the man he was.

It's fallin' faster

Barely breathing,

Give me something to believe in

Tell me: It's not all in my head.

His dreams haunt him. He always falls.

His thoughts dwell on him. He barely breathes.

All he has is that picture. The one single picture of them together.

All he has to remind him that it's not all in his head. That Speed's truly gone.

Take what's left

Of this man

Make me whole

Once again

When he had first met Speed, it was like a dream. Meeting the man he knew he'd love til death. But not Speed's.

He had taken him away from thoughts that kept him from staying proper, and had been able to make him whole; complete. But he knew that was an impossible task to do again. He had lost his other half.

'Cause I want you

And I feel you

Crawlin' underneath my skin

Like a hunger

Like a burning

To find a place I've never been

Now I'm broken,

And I'm faded,

I'm half the man I'd thought I would be:

But you can have what's left of me.

He missed the way their hands would roam and explore each other.

How the kissed, touched, smiled, laughed together.

When they kissed, touched, made love.

The way they drenched one another in the others love. It was almost an unbreakable bond. Almost.

I've been dying inside, you see

I'm going out of my mind

I'm just running in circle all the time.

Even though he acts his strong self on the outside, he's dying. And always will be. Now that one Timothy Speedle is dead. It's haunted him for so long, and day by day, he feels like he's going to go insane. He's stuck in a loop that never stops circling. He's sitting now, watching the waves lap at the sand of the beach, and he wonders, if Speed would still take what was left.

Will you take what's left

Will you take what's left

Will you take what's left of me

Just running in circles in my mind

Will you take what's left

Will you take what's left

Will you take what's left of me?

Take what's left of me?

- End

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