Title: Without You
Author: CSI_Nightowl
Pairing: David/Nick
Rating: PG
Warning: slash, character death, major angst
Spoilers: none
Summary: Nick visits with David. (awful summary, I know)
Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or its characters; I do own the twins though.
A/N: I'm serious, this is an extremely angsty piece. Don't kill me. I didn't want to write it but the bunnies kept hopping around till I did. Please read and review!

Nick stopped in the doorway and watched as David put his head on the table. "You okay, Dave?"

"Huh?" David glanced up. "Oh, hey Nick."

"Man, you look like shit."

"And I love you too." David laid his head back down.

"Head still hurting?"

"Yeah."

"Did you take any aspirin or anything?"

"Yes, Mother."

"Well, you can't feel too bad if you're still able to be a smartass."

David raised up once again. "Wanna bet?"

He really did look awful. "Why don't you go home?"

"To two four year olds? How's that going to make my head feel better?"

"Leave the kids at Liz's. I'll get them when I get off."

"Honestly Nick, I don't think I could drive."

"I'll take you."

"It's the middle of shift, we can't leave."

"Wanna bet?"

David started to roll his eyes but the throbbing pain in his head made him think better of it. "Okay." He stood up. "I'll go tell Grissom."

Nick was about to tell him to sit back down, he'd tell Grissom, when David stumbled and practically fell into his arms. "David!" Oh god. "We need help in here!" Nick yelled.

********

Nick woke with a start.

"Daddy!" a little voice cried.

Nick got up and crossed the hall to his daughter's bedroom. "Hey pumpkin, what's wrong?"

"I had scary dream." she answered as she put her arms around him.

Me too. "You want to tell Daddy about it?"

She shook her head. "I miss Poppy."

"I know, sweetie."

"Can we go see him tomorrow?"

"Sure."

"Can I draw him a picture?"

"Of course you can." He stayed with her till she went back to sleep. Then he went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

"Daddy?"

Nick turned from the sink to see his son standing behind him. "Hey sport, what are you doing up?"

"I heard talking."

"Sorry, Cara had a bad dream. Want some water?"

The little boy nodded as he reached up to his father.

Nick picked him up and sat him on the counter.

"Poppy won't like this." he giggled.

David hated his habit of putting the kids on the counter. Nick chuckled as he thought of the disapproving look he always got and the "Really Nick, the counter is for food. Do you plan on eating our child?" If only David was there to fuss at him now.

"Okay sport, back to bed." Nick took the empty cup from the boy and carried him to his room.

"Night, Daddy."

"Good night." Nick kissed him on the check. "Sweet dreams."

*********

"Hi, babe. Sorry it's been so long since I've been here. You know how it is though between work and the kids, it's hard to find time. They're right over there, by the way." Nick laughed. "Colby spotted a spider web so now they're waiting for the spider to come back. Think that's how Gris got started? He reached out and traced the name on the stone. "It hurts so much, David… I just want to be with you…if it wasn't for them, I'd have eaten my gun by now … why did you leave me?"

"Can I give Poppy my picture now?" Cara asked as she ran up to Nick.

"Sure, pumpkin."

She started at the stone for a moment. "I drew you a picture. It's of us." She held it up as if to show him. "See there's me, Colby, Daddy and that's you in heaven. Daddy says you're watching over us. I wish you would come home. I miss you, Poppy." She started crying.

Nick tried to swallow the lump in his throat as he hugged his little girl.

"Poppy wouldn't like it if he saw you crying." Colby said.

"Hey now, that's not true. He would say it's okay to cry when you're sad."

"Crying is for babies." Colby argued.

"Sometimes I cry when I miss Poppy."

"You do?" his little eyes widened.

"Yes and I'm not a baby, am I?"

"No sir."

"Come here, Colby." Nick put his arm around him. "Poppy loves you both very much. He wouldn't be mad at Cara or you for showing your feelings."

"I wish he was here." Colby buried his head in his father's shirt.

"Me too, honey." Nick held his children tightly. He wished he could make it easier for them but he didn't know how.

"I should have drawn Poppy a picture too." Colby stated sadly.

"You can the next time." Nick kissed the top of his head. "Hey, did ya'll ever see that spider?"

"No." Cara grabbed her brother's arm. "Let's go see if it's there yet, Colby."

They took off running.

"Remember to stay where I can see you." Nick yelled.

"We will." They said in unison.

"God, remember when we found out they were going to be twins? I thought you were going to have a heart attack." Nick laughed. "You were so concerned about how we were going to raise two kids. Remember you made me promise not to die because ‘There's no way I'm doing this alone.' It never occurred to me to have you make the same promise."

Nick silently watched the kids for a few minutes. "I don't know, Dave. I worry about them. Every time I think they understand that you can't come back, they do or say something that makes me realize how wrong I am. Like last week, Colby wanted to know if you'd read him a story when you came home. Then the other day Cara asked me when you would be home. It just breaks my heart."

Nick wiped some dirt off the headstone. "Mama thinks I should move back to Texas. Maybe she's right. Lord knows I'd never have to worry about sitters between her, my sisters and nieces. The kids would have cousins to play with too." he sighed. "I can't. I can't leave here. This is our home, where we planned to raise our family. Damn it David, why did you have to leave me?

Nick didn't realize he'd raised his voice until the twins looked over at him.

"Did you say something to us, Daddy?" Cara asked.

"No, pumpkin, I'm just talking to Poppy."

She smiled and went back to spider hunting.

"I'm sorry, Dave. I know this isn't your fault. You would have never left if you had the choice. I just get so angry sometimes. Angry that you're gone, that I didn't get to say goodbye, that you're going to miss out on watching the kids grow, for not making you go to the doctor when those damn headaches started." Nick closed his eyes as memories of that last day flashed in his mind. "I knew you were gone before the medics ever got there. It was a brain aneurysm, they said. Who knew your brain would betray us like that?"

"People at the lab have been great, offering to watch the kids, switching days with me. Ecklie even told me to take as much time off as I needed. Although at the time I didn't think I could ever step foot inside the lab again. But eventually I knew I had to go back, I had two little people depending on me. I had thought the worst part would be going into your lab and you not being there." Nick shook his head. "But the worst part was going into the break room. I barely made it inside the door before I had to run to the restroom and throw up. I avoid going in there as much as I can now."

Nick glanced over at the twins and smiled. Colby had his face as close to the web he could get without touching it and Cara was jumping up and down. Obviously, the spider had returned. "What do you think he'd do if that spider crawled on his face?" he chuckled then frowned. He had no idea what kind of spider it was so maybe they shouldn't be getting that close to it. He went over to where they were to check it out.

"Look Daddy!" Cara squealed. "See the spidey?"

"I see." Nick was relieved to see it was an ordinary harmless spider.

"I bet Mr. Grissom would love to see this." Colby exclaimed.

"I have no doubt." Nick could see Grissom squatting down beside the children and watching intently. He wondered who would watch longer, Colby or Gris.

"What kind of spider is it, Daddy?" Colby looked up expectantly at his father.

Nick had no idea, he knew birds not insects. "It looks like a house spider."

Colby gave him that look, David's look, the one that was a cross between how stupid do you think I am and don't bullshit me. "It has another name, Dad!"

"I'm sure it does but I don't know what it is." Noticing the disappointment in the boy's eyes he quickly added, "How about we take a picture and then you can ask Grissom next time you see him?" He took out his phone and snapped a picture. This seemed to satisfy him.

"How come he knows so much about bugs but you don't?"

Okay, maybe not.

"When he was in college he studied bugs, it's his specialty."

"Was your ‘pecialty birds?" Cara asked.

"No." Nick chuckled. "It was science and law."

"That's not as exciting as bugs." Colby stated.

"I guess not." Nick sighed. "I'm going back over there now."

He strolled over and squatted down in front of David's stone. "Did you hear that? I was just insulted by a four year old. You must be so proud." He picked up Cara's drawing. "She misses you so much. Oh, I know Colby misses you just as much but Cara will talk about you and cry. Colby only mentions you when he's pointing out something we're doing you wouldn't approve of. Again, you must be proud."

Nick ran his fingers over the drawing and smiled. "I wonder if you really have wings. If you do, I bet you gripe about them all the time. Probably drive all the other angels nuts. Have you managed to weasel your way to the big guy yet? I can just picture it, you sharing all your opinions on how to make the world a better place. Just don't annoy him too much, he has the power to send you somewhere much hotter." he chuckled. "Seriously though, if you do have his ear, could you ask him to ease up on the dreams? It's not that I mind dreaming about you, it's the same dream, no nightmare, every night since you… well, you know. I don't need to relive that day over and over again. It hurts too much." He put the drawing back then glanced at his watch. "We're going to have to leave soon. I promised to take them to eat before time to go to Liz's." He yelled for the twins.

"Coming, Daddy!" Colby said something to his sister then they both started running towards Nick.

"Uh oh." Nick said as he tried to brace himself for the impending collision. They were slightly faster then he anticipated as they barreled into him, knocking him to the ground and giggling wildly about it.

"We tackled Daddy! We tackled Daddy!" they started chanting.

"See that Poppy? We got Daddy." Colby grinned.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm sure Poppy is grinning as big as you are." Nick grumbled.

"Is it time to go?" Cara asked.

"Yes, it is."

She looked at the stone. "Bye Poppy. I love you."

Colby was also looking at the stone. "What's it say Daddy?

Nick walked over and pointed to the words as he read them. "David Colby Hodges. Cherished father, son, partner and friend. He will live in our hearts forever." His voice caught as he read the last words.

"Don't be sad, Daddy." Colby hugged him. "You got us."

"I sure do." Nick smiled. "And I guess I should feed ya'll if I want to keep you, huh?"

"Mickey D's?" Cara's eyes lit up.

"Okay." Nick took their hands and headed for the car.

"I love you, Poppy." Colby called out.

Nick secured them in their car seats and shut the rear door. He stood and looked over the roof of the car. He could barely make out the headstone from there. "I love you too, babe. Forever."