Title: An Unattainable Dream
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Hannibal Lecter/Will Graham
Fandom: Hannibal
Rating: PG-13
Table: 50ficlets
Prompt: 47, Dream
Author's Note: Sequel to "Believing in Happiness."
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Hannibal Lecter or Will Graham, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.
***
Hannibal lay beside Will, staring up at the ceiling.Being married to Will was going to make him the happiest man in the world. But there were some things that he couldn't erase from his thoughts.
It wasn't going to be easy to give up his, well, unorthodox pursuits. He would have to do that; he knew that Will would never condone those practices.
He could no longer kill and eat people. He had already stopped doing so; he was finding it the hardest thing he'd ever forced himself to do. There were nights when all he wanted to do was to go out and engage in his own particular brand of hunting; it was hard to turn his back on it.
But if he didn't, then he knew that he would lose Will, and that, for him, would be a fate worse than death. He couldn't live without the man he loved by his side.
If Will knew about his secret life, all that they shared would be gone. Will would arrest him, as much as it would hurt them both for him to do so.
Will would feel that it was his duty, that he had no choice.
And he would probably be right, Hannibal thought with a soft sigh. Will had taken a vow when he had become a Federal agent. He had to do what he thought was right.
He could hardly ask Will to turn his back on that vow. He had no right to expect that of his lover. No matter how much Will loved him, it wasn't fair to ask him to make that choice, and Hannibal would never do it. He loved Will too much to put him through that kind of agony.
So he would give up what he was, and he would turn his back on something that had been a part of him since he was a teenager. But it wouldn't be easy.
But he had to, he told himself firmly. If he didn't, then Will would slip away from him, and they would never be together. That would be no life for either of them.
Would Will still love him if he found out? Hannibal really didn't want to know the answer to that question. He didn't want to lose Will's love.
Just the thought of seeing disgust on the beautiful face of the man he loved was enough to twist his heart in his chest until it ached, and he almost wanted to cry.
He couldn't bear to think of losing Will's love, of having the other man turn his back and walk away. So he would do his best to give up a part of himself -- even though his more rational mind told him that doing so was an unattainable dream that he would never be able to achieve.
No, he wouldn't think like that, Hannibal told himself, his inner voice strong and firm. He could do anything that he set his mind to, no matter how difficult it might be.
He could give this up. For Will. For their future.
So it would be difficult. He expected that. But he was used to doing difficult things, even things that most people would say were impossible.
He could do this. He had to do it. If he didn't, then he ran the risk of losing all that was most important to him, and he wasn't going to take that risk.
What if it was an unattainable dream? What if he tried his best, but couldn't stop his killing? What if Will found out what he was doing and turned his back on him, and he lost the love of his life because of nothing more than his own lack of self-control?
Hannibal didn't want to think of all these things, but he knew that any of them was capable of happening. The thought hovered like a black cloud in the back of his mind.
Resolutely, he pushed those thoughts away. He didn't need to wrestle with them right now; he could take things one day at a time, wean himself away from his .... pursuits.
That was really the only choice he had, wasn't it?
The alternative was losing Will, and that couldn't happen. It would break his heart. It would kill him. It would leave him a broken man, with nothing to hold on to.
Losing Will would completely unman him. He couldn't imagine spending the rest of his life without the man he loved, whether that life was spent behind bars or not.
Sighing again, Hannibal turned over onto his side to look at Will slumbering peacefully beside him. He loved this man; he would do anything for Will, including giving up the life that he'd known for so many years. He was willing to put all of that behind him to keep Will in his life.
Wasn't that what love was all about? he asked himself as he reached out to run gentle fingers through Will's tousled curls. Being willing to make sacrifices for those you loved?
Will was worth any sacrifice he had to make. Being with Will was worth doing anything he had to do; his life wouldn't be complete without this man by his side.
They would have their life together -- a long and happy one.
Whatever he had to give up in order to keep Will, it would be a worthy sacrifice. Love had changed his life, and had opened his heart in ways he'd never thought possible.
Giving up his former life wasn't an unattainable goal. He would work towards it -- and by the time he and Will were married, that part of his life would be behind him for good.
With that thought in his mind, Hannibal closed his eyes and relaxed.
His dreams were jumbled images of the past mixed with what he hoped his future would be.
***
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