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Title: No Hesitation
Pairing: Will Graham/Lee Fallon
Fandom: Hannibal/The Big C
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Will Graham or Lee Fallon, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.
***Will glanced at the clock, feeling a shiver of what might have been fear trickle down his back. It was getting late; he and Lee would have to go to bed soon.
Why should the thought of going to bed with Lee make him feel so nervous, even a little frightened? Lee would never do anything to hurt him -- and if he said that he wasn't ready for them to be physically intimate yet, then Lee would accept that.
The problem was that he did want them to get physical.
The other problem was that he was terrified of doing so.
He wasn't afraid of Lee. It was the physical intimacy that he was afraid of, the fact that he would be opening his heart and letting someone inside it for the first time in his life. Not only his heart, but his body. There was something inherently frightening about giving himself away like that.
But hadn't he already given Lee his heart? a little voice in the back of his mind argued. And he hadn't been afraid of doing that. He'd given his heart willingly, with no reservations.
Lee deserved that. He deserved to have a lover who would give themselves to him with no hesitation, freely and willingly, regardless of their fears for the future.
Will desperately wanted to be able to do that. He wanted to give his body as well as his heart, but there was a barrier that he found himself crashing up against every time he thought of taking that last irrevocable step, letting those walls he'd built up crumble to the ground.
The idea of being physically intimate with anyone, even Lee, terrified him. It was a barrier that he'd never thought of crossing, one that he'd always hidden behind.
But he couldn't let himself hide any longer, he told himself firmly. He wanted to be with Lee, in every way. It was time that he followed his heart and put his fears aside.
"What's wrong, Will?" Lee's voice broke into his thoughts, bringing him back to the present moment. Lee's arm tightened around his waist, drawing him nearer to the other man. "And don't say that it's nothing. You look like a thundercloud, so I know something's bothering you."
Lee could already read him far too well.
Will sighed softly, wondering just how he was going to bring this up without hurting Lee's feelings. He had no idea what to say, how to put his own feelings into words.
"I just ..." he began, then broke off with a sigh, shaking his head. "I don't know how to say what I need to say, Lee. I'm scared it's going to make you walk away, and that would break my heart. But I-I don't know if I'm ready for all of this. It's all moving so fast."
Lee nodded, his voice soft when he spoke. "You've never been physical with anybody before, and you're afraid that's all I want? Is that it?"
Will shook his head vehemently. "No! It's not that I think you don't want anything but that. I'm just .... you're right about me never having done this before. It scares me, Lee."
"Will, you don't think I'd hurt you, do you?" Lee's voice was very quiet and serious. "I would never do that. I intend to make your first time something beautiful that you can look back on and treasure. And I'm not going to just walk away from you after that first time."
"I know that." Will took a deep breath, bringing his greatest fear out into the light for the first time. "I'm so afraid that I'm not going to be good enough for you."
Lee sighed softly, then shook his head and smiled.
"Oh, Will," he murmured, placing a finger beneath Will's chin and raising the other man's face to his. "You don't really believe that, do you? Because if you do, you are so wrong. I'm the one who might not be good enough for you."
"That's not true!" Will spoke up immediately; he couldn't let Lee believe that he could ever think this beautiful man wasn't good enough for him.
"Will, we have to trust each other," Lee told him, gazing into his eyes. "If we don't, then we're not going to have much of a relationship. Or much of a future."
Will nodded slowly, sighing softly and resting his head against Lee's shoulder. "I do trust you," he managed to say before the words caught in his throat. When he could speak again, he continued, "I'm just scared, Lee. I've been afraid of intimacy all my life."
"Then we'll take things really slowly," Lee told him, stroking gentle fingers through Will's hair. "We have time, Will. We have all the time in the world."
"But what if the treatment --" Will began, before Lee pressed a finger against his lips, shaking his head. Will watched him, his blue gaze worried.
"Don't think negatively," Lee whispered, his gaze holding Will's. "We have to believe that it's going to work, and that we'll have a lifetime together. Now that I've found you, I'm not going to let you go that easily, Will. We're going to have plenty of time to discover each other."
Will nodded, swallowing hard and blinking back tears. He hoped those words were true.
Because if they weren't, he didn't think his heart could take the pain of losing Lee.
"Let's go to bed," he murmured, getting to his feet and holding out his hand to Lee. He was going to get past his fears. He had to. And Lee was the man to help him do that. He would put himself completely in Lee's hands, and trust him implicitly.
Tonight, his fears of intimacy were going to be conquered. Will leaned against Lee as the two of them headed up the stairs to his bedroom, pushing all hesitation aside.
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