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Title: Worth Fighting For
Pairing: Will Graham/Lee Fallon
Fandom: Hannibal/The Big C
Prompt: #7, Loss/Lost
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Will Graham or Lee Fallon, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.
***He didn't want to think about losing Lee.
The very thought made Will's heart clutch in his chest, made his breath stop as if it was frozen in his lungs. The thought made him want to cry, to scream.
But none of that would do himself or Lee any good, so it wasn't worth expending his energy on. Will drew in a long, deep breath, then let it out slowly. It was something that Lee had taught him to do when he felt as if he was starting to stress out too much, and it seemed to work.
He hated the thought of what might be ahead of them, but it wasn't something he could turn his back on. He couldn't simply bury his head in the sand and ignore it.
If only he could, and it would magically make things better.
But that wasn't possible, and he knew it. He had to face up to what they were dealing with, and take things one day at a time, as Lee had told him.
Loss was something he had learned how to deal with well enough; it seemed like his entire life had been one of loss. He'd lost family, lost friends; he had leaned to distance himself from people, and even from his own emotions, to deal with those losses.
But this time, that would be impossible. He couldn't distance himself from Lee, and he couldn't push away what he felt for this man.
It had taken him so long to find love that he wasn't going to turn his back on it now, even though it might be painful at times. He was going to think positively, to believe that he and Lee could overcome this, that the cancer could indeed be beaten.
What if he was wrong? a little voice in the back of his mind piped up. What if this was an uphill battle that Lee could never win, and it only led to heartbreak?
Will steadfastly pushed that thought away, but it wouldn't leave.
He didn't want to think about the fact that Lee might not live. He didn't want to think about losing the man he loved. Nothing had ever hurt so badly as that thought; he knew that if it happened, he would never get over it. He would spend all of his life mourning what he had lost.
That was a loss that couldn't be glossed over, a loss that had no recovery. That loss would always haunt him, and he would never be the same.
He'd never lost someone he loved, not in this way. Oh, he'd lost people who he cared for -- his parents, a few close friends in the past. But he had never lost a lover, and he'd always considered himself lucky that he hadn't had to deal with that kind of pain.
Would it be possible for him to deal with it?
Will didn't want to find out the answer to that question. Losing Lee wasn't an option, not now, not at any point. It simply couldn't be allowed to happen.
But what if Lee's disease had other ideas? The thought clutched at his heart; when he raised a hand in front of his face, he realized that he was trembling with dread and fear. The mere thought of losing Lee made him feel weak and sick.
It wasn't fair, he told himself. Life couldn't let him find the most incredible love he could ever experience, and then cruelly snatch it away from him.
Fate wouldn't be that cruel. It couldn't be. It had already dealt him enough blows; finding love should be a blessing, not something to dread having taken away from him.
That wasn't exactly true, Will thought with a sigh. He knew from bitter experience just how capricious fate could be; he didn't trust fate, didn't trust its whims. He knew better than most people how easily something he treasured could disappear in a heartbeat.
He would do all that he could to keep Lee by his side, he vowed, his hands clenching in his lap. He would fight for Lee, fight for the love they shared.
He wouldn't let fate intervene in their lives without putting up a damn good battle.
It might be an impossible fight. He and Lee might end up losing. But they would have their time together, however long it might be. And they would both fight for every moment of that time, fight for all that they could get. Neither one of them would give up.
Love was worth fighting for. It was the only thing worth holding on to in this life, Will told himself. It was the only thing that truly mattered.
Giving up on love, turning away from it, would only exacerbate the sense of loss. It would only make him wonder if he could have held on to that love if he only he'd been willing to fight a little harder, if only he had stood up to fate instead of turning away like a coward.
He wouldn't be a coward. He would see this through.
Doing that would mean facing the possibility of losing Lee. Will closed his eyes against the pain that flowed through him at the thought, seeming to engulf him for a few moments.
He didn't even want to acknowledge that fact that it could happen; thinking about that kind of loss only felt as though ti was bringing the possibility closer, making it seem more frightening, more real. But he had to accept the fact that the loss was a very real possibility.
It would be the worst loss he had ever suffered in his life if it happened. That was why he would fight so hard against it, do whatever he could to make sure it didn't occur.
Losing Lee would be like losing a part of himself, a part that could never be replaced. He would still be able to exist; he would still walk this world. But he would be a shadow of the person he had been; he would only be half a person without Lee by his side.
He'd never believed that he would find love, but now that he had, accepting the fact that he might have to let it go was proving impossible for him to do.
He couldn't lose Lee. He wouldn't. He refused to even consider that he could.
That kind of loss would devastate him. Would he even be able to live after enduring a loss like that? Would he want to live? Could he endure it?
Everything in Will's heart told him that he couldn't. Losing Lee would destroy him; he might have a pathetic existence after that kind of loss, but it wouldn't be a life. He would be a shade, a cipher, drifting through the rest of his days with no meaning, no purpose.
He didn't want to live without Lee. An integral part of who he was would be gone, the part that wanted to go on living. Without his love, life would hold no savor.
With an effort, he pushed those thoughts away.
He wasn't going to focus on the possibility of loss, Will told himself firmly. He was going to focus on being positive, on helping Lee as much as he possibly could.
They were going to get through this. The trial was going to work -- and if not this one, then the next one. The two fo them would keep fighting Lee's cancer, and it would go into remission. Fate would grant them a long and happy life together. He had to believe that.
He had to stay positive, had to stay focused. And more importantly, he had to make sure that Lee stayed positive. They had to hold on to hope, every last bit of it.
Loss would never be an option. Not for either of them.
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