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Title: Poison Control
By: nancy
Pairing: Tony/Gibbs
Fandom: NCIS
Rating: G
Note: shmoop, humor
Summary: Gibbs teaches Tony an unpleasant lesson.


There were definite benefits to having been a Boy Scout, and that included knowing which plants to keep away from. Tony had tried to warn McGee and had his words shoved back in his face. And even though Ziva was a lot prouder than McGee about knowing things, Tony did try to warn her. As she headed for the quasi-path, which was loaded with poison ivy, he grabbed her should and said, "Bad idea."

"Why?" she demanded, yanking away from him. "You think it's too tough for me? The terrain too dangerous?"

"Well, it is, but no. It's..."

"I'm trained for just this kind of thing, Tony. I can handle a little hiking."

"Yeah, I know, but..."

"Go that way. I will take this path."

"Ziva, I really don't think that's a good idea."

She ignored him and stalked through the growth.

Tony grinned and turned in the other direction, whistling.

*  *  *  *

"He did it to me, too," McGee commiserated, holding onto the calamine lotion bottle. "I think it's a sickness. Maybe we should do an intervention."

Ziva gritted her teeth against the urge to scratch and slathered on more of the disgusting lotion. "I'm going to intervene all right. I'm going to intervene by strangling him to death!"

Abby piped up, "It's not that bad."

Ziva glared at her and held her arms out. "Not that bad? I'm like a zebra who can't change her spots!"

"I think you mean Cheetah," McGee offered hesitantly.

Rounding on him, she hissed, "I mean I'm going to kill him!"

"What the hell happened to you?"

Ziva faced Gibbs and snarled, "DiNozzo happened to me! All he had to say was, "Poison ivy!" and I wouldn't have gone that way!"

It didn't help her mood any to see the obvious amusement in the pale blue eyes as Gibbs didn't quite grin at her predicament. Growling an insult to his and DiNozzo's parentage both, she grabbed the calamine lotion from McGee and stormed out of the office.

*  *  *  *

Tony scratched at his neck while typing one-handed. He mentally made a note to go back to his old laundry detergent since he was clearly having a reaction to the new one.

"Been to see a doctor yet, DiNozzo?"

Looking up from his report, Tony looked over at Gibbs and frowned. "Why would I?"

"Looks like a pretty bad rash," Gibbs replied.

Startled, Tony pressed fingertips to the itchy area and realized that it wasn't the raised skin from hives, but bumps, like from poison ivy or poison oak. Jumping to his feet, Tony rushed to the bathroom to take a look. Sure enough, long lines of a poison oak rash covered his throat and were starting on his face. He gaped at the impossibility on his reflection.

Gibbs entered the bathroom and asked, "Problem?"

Tony exclaimed, "Yes! I'm not allergic to poison oak! I shouldn't be having a reaction!"

"In a concentrated enough dose, anyone's allergic," Gibbs pointed out.

Tony's jaw dropped. "You poisoned me somehow!"

Gibbs' lips twitched as he stated, "When one person on this team suffers, we all suffer, DiNozzo. If I find out you do something like not warning Ziva or McGee again, I'll do more than give you a case of poison oak."

Tony swallowed nervously and pointed out weakly, "I did try to warn them both."

"Not hard enough," Gibbs informed him.

Sighing as Gibbs left the bathroom, Tony grimaced and did his best not to scratch as he went in search of calamine lotion.

*  *  *  *

Jethro felt a minor twitch of guilt as he watched Tony rub miserably at his shoulder with the flat of his hand, instead of a regular scratch. It had been three days since he'd dosed Tony and had to say it was a pretty effective, if fairly painful, method of dealing with the one-upmanship. He sighed and gave in to the impulse to take care of his lover, despite the fact that he'd inflicted the punishment in the first place. "Come on, Tony. Let's go."

Alarmed, Tony looked at him and asked, "Go where?"

"You're taking a bath. It'll help with the itching. Then I'll put more lotion on you and after that, you're going to bed."

"I won't be able to sleep," Tony sighed.

"Trust me, after you drink my warm milk, you'll sleep," Jethro promised.

Tony snorted. "What do you lace it with?"

Jethro hid a grin as he answered gruffly, "None of your business, now move."

It didn't take long to draw the bath and he threw in the oatmeal and milk bath packets that he'd bought on the way home in anticipation. Tony sank into the water with a grateful sigh and Jethro left him to soak while he put together his concoction. Or, rather, Ducky's concoction that he'd swiped the recipe of years ago. Returning to the bathroom, he held out the cup, which Tony took and drank a large gulp of before coughing violently.

Jethro rescued the cup and waited for the coughing to stop before handing it back. "Relax in here a while. I'll put on the a/c."

Tony nodded, waving a lazy hand at him as the nightcap started taking affect. They'd been sleeping in separate beds since the start, but he would just have to take his chances and hope his natural immunity kept him from coming down with it. If not, well, he'd sure as hell been through worse.

About a half hour later, he pulled an almost-comatose Tony from the tub before the younger man fell asleep in it and dried him off. That taken care of, he carefully dosed the worst of the rashes first and moved on to the others after. Slinging an arm around Tony's waist, he brought his lover into the bedroom and dropped him onto the bed. He arranged Tony easily and then climbed in as well.

Chuckling as Tony wrapped around Jethro like a second skin and immediately started snoring, he kissed the top of his lover's damp head and murmured, "Missed you too, Tony."