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Title: God Laughs/Subtle
By: sandersyager
Pairing: Abby Sciuto/Tony DiNozzo
Fandom: NCIS
Rating: R for language
Spoilers: let's continue with the assumption that there are broad and vague season three spoilers
Notes: WIP. Concrit, feedback appreciated.
Series: 1) God Laughs/Distractions
Disclaimer: These characters belong to DPB, CBS, Paramount, et al. No copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: McGee thinks hell's frozen over. Abby gets cranky, chocolate, a massage and kind of turned on. Tony commits a sin or two. Gibbs and chocolate. Ziva mentions Rule #12. Cameo by Maggie Gyllenhaal.



"You're late, DiNozzo and where the hell is Abby?" Gibbs hadn't even looked up from his computer, but when he did, Tony knew the glare would not be pretty.

"Sorry, Boss. Her car wouldn't start. We had to call a cab," Tony placed the conciliatory large coffee at Gibbs' elbow. "Peace offering, Boss, from Abs."

"I know what it is, DiNozzo," Gibbs growled, raising a single eyebrow at Tony's rumpled shirt as the agent settled at his desk. There were some things he just didn't need to know. Besides, Ziva would have caught the whole exchange, and in five, four, three, two...

"We, DiNozzo?" Ziva stood over Tony's desk, one hand on her hip.

"Don't you have work to do?" Tony snapped.

"Ooh, bad date, Tony?"

"Actually I spent last night having a nice little three way with Probie and Abs," Tony said clearly. McGee began to choke at his desk. Gibbs thought briefly about stopping them, but hell, they didn't have a case, and it was interesting, if annoying, to watch. "You wouldn't believe McGee's skill. Such talent for a man with so little experience. He has a way with—"

"DiNozzo," Gibbs said softly, hand on Tony's shoulder. "Unless you relish the idea of being unemployed, don't finish that sentence."

"Words, Boss. I was going to say words," Tony insisted, unable to avoid the coming smack. "He's quite the writer, actually." McGee turned a deeper scarlet, still gasping but in no immediate danger, unless he could die of shock. A compliment from DiNozzo? Any second, there'd be pigs flying in with ice skates and a banner saying hell had really and truly frozen over.

"You'll get it when you get it, okay?" Abby snapped at Gibbs. "I can't work miracles down here and while my science is strong, it takes time. Time, Gibbs, meaning hours not minutes, not instantaneous and not right now. Coming down here every fifteen seconds doesn't make the process go any faster. It just makes for a pissed off lab tech."

"I've got two dead kids, and you've got an hour," Gibbs stared back at her, both of them conscious of the rest of the team holding their collective breath at this little scene and neither of them caring. Gibbs blinked first, turning sharply on his heel, and tossing something over his shoulder at Abby as he walked out. McGee and Ziva scurried after him, Tony lingered for a moment, and Abby looked at the wrapper in her hand.

"He remembered," she smiled to herself, tucking the 99% Pure Dark bar next to her monitor.

Ziva thought it was a bad idea. Cruel, juvenile, mildly amusing. McGee screamed like a frightened child, and she didn't blame him.

"Goddamn it, Tony!" McGee whirled around, the imprint from his sweater marking the side of his face. Tony jumped back, laughing, slipping the whistle back into his pocket.

"No sleeping at work, Probie," Tony shook his head. "Gibbs said we could go but we could barely hear it over the sonorous sounds of your snores."

"I wasn't, wasn't sleeping," McGee said, wiping the trail of drool from his cheek.

"Sure, Probie. Go home," Tony called over his shoulder as he strolled toward the elevator. He frowned when Ziva stepped into the compartment with him.

"That wasn't very nice, Agent DiNozzo," she said, reaching past him to push the button for the ground floor. She noted that the basement button was already lit. "Going to harass Abby before you leave?"

"Not exactly. There's a subtlety to our friendship that you wouldn't understand," Tony said, leaning against the wall. Abby was right, he did that a lot, but he looked good while he did it, and it wasn't lost on Officer David from the way her cheeks flushed. Yeah, right, she wasn't interested.

"Subtle? Oh, Agent DiNozzo, there is nothing subtle about you," she smiled slightly. "Isn't it against the rules to date a coworker?"

"We aren't dating."

"But you sleep at her house?"

"When it's convenient, yes," he said. "You've never really had friends before, have you, Ziva?"

"You aren't just friends, Tony, or didn't you realize?"

"Realize what, Officer David?"

"Oh, Tony, Tony," she shook her head as she stepped off of the elevator. "Good night."

"Yeah," Tony let the door slide shut, mind racing to figure out what she could possibly know.

"I just want you to know that I don't hate you anymore," Abby belted out, shimmying around the edge of the lab table back toward her computer. "Not quite true, Kurt, my love, but we're getting closer," she looked at the image of the crime scene photo on her large screen. Today's victim had looked eerily like Cobain, although his girlfriend most certainly bore no resemblance to Courtney Love. Demi Moore in GI Jane, maybe, except not so alive and Navy, not Army.

"His name was Daniel," Tony said from the doorway.

"I know," she aimed the remote over her shoulder and the noise level dropped dramatically. "But he looks like a Kurt. Any news upstairs?"

"McGee screams like a girl?"

"I knew that. It's kind of sexy. Anything else? Like being able to go home?" she said hopefully.

"Yeah. Except you're not going home, Ms. Sciuto," he moved from the door to stand behind her. She tilted her head back into his shoulder and he could smell the green tea shampoo she used under the gun metal perfume.

"I'm not?" she said, sliding her hands over his at her shoulders.

"No. You're coming to my house for dinner, a movie and a massage because you've got some serious knots here," he ran his thumbs along the sides of her neck and she sighed. "After that, you can go home. Or not."

Or not, Abby thought, sprawled on Tony's bed. Lush was the only word to describe his bedroom, but she was twenty minutes past being able to form words so she took everything in through sleepy eyes and touch. She lay on a satiny soft comforter in rich browns, surrounded by walls the color of powdered cocoa. He'd lit candles that smelled like coffee and chocolate and made the room glow softly. There was soft jazz playing from hidden speakers, sounds like New Orleans on a warm summer night, sounds that felt like home. A hand-woven chenille blanket covered her legs while Tony worked on her back with expert hands.

Abby noticed that the bed dipped a little under his weight as he knelt beside her, and she could smell his cologne along with all the candle scents. He, and the oil he rubbed into her skin, smelled faintly of vanilla. The cumulative effect was a very sleepy Abby with one hell of a craving for a coffee ice cream sundae. If she'd been thinking clearly, or at all, and capable of speech, she'd have teased him about the whole seduction scene he had set up. Instead, she made a little purring noise as his hands moved down her back toward her hips.

"You still with me, Abs?" he said softly.

"Mmm..." was as articulate as she could manage. "Mhmpf," was her sound of protest as his hands stopped touching her. "Hey," she found words again as he slipped off of the bed. "No."

"Yes," he said. "I'm going to start dinner and you're going to take a long shower."

"No clothes," she murmured, folding her arms under her head. "Dumb to shower and put on dirty clothes."

"You won't have to. I'll be in the kitchen when you're done," he closed the door behind him and Abby rolled onto her back. She took her time getting up, enjoying the watery, warm feeling in all of her muscles. When she stepped into the shower, the music changed, instrumental jazz replaced by Tom Waits. It didn't really surprise her, not anymore than finding her preferred soap on the shelf next to the fancy exfoliating stuff Tony used. She crooned along to "San Diego Serenade" and tried not to ask too many questions about the fine line they were walking.

"Ooh, we're actually eating at the table?" Abby looked skeptical, standing just inside the dining room. The table was set for two, ivory candles burning, a bottle of wine and glasses waiting. She turned to Tony. "Is this a date?"

"You have dates with boyfriends. I am not your boyfriend," Tony slipped past her, a dish of pasta in one hand. It was a little known secret, but he actually could cook. He just preferred not to, and when he feigned ignorance, women 'taught' him how to make their favorite dishes, leading to steamy scenes in and out of the kitchen. He headed back to the kitchen for the asparagus and bread but Abby stopped him in the doorway. She just looked at him for a long minute, not quite her Gibbs-glare, but studying him all the same. Finally she smiled.

"You bought me pajamas."

"I did," he agreed, conscious of her fingers slipping inside his and the way she tickled his palms.

"I like them," she said with a little nod. "I like you, Tony."

"I like you, too, Abs," he liked the way the soft cotton skimmed her breasts, and how she pressed them against him, pushing him against the wall. He returned her hug, noticing how she turned her face into the space between his shoulder and neck, just brushing the tip of her nose against his skin.

"This is good, right, Tony?" she whispered, her arms just a little tighter around him.



"Yeah, this is good," he said, rubbing his hand over her back lightly. Of course, he wasn't entirely sure what 'this' was, but she was soft and warm in his arms and that was enough for the moment.

"Dinner," she let go of him as suddenly as she'd taken hold, pulling out one of the chairs. He stood for a moment, watching her reach for the wine.

Abby lay with her head against his thigh, watching him almost as much as the movie. She was amused when they squirmed in tandem at the scene unfolding on the screen. Being female had certain advantages, she decided as she noticed the rise under his jeans. She couldn't blame him, the sight of Maggie Gyllenhaal bent over that desk had dampened her panties on a number of nights and the fact that he was getting off on it turned her on more.

"Tony," she said softly, dragging her hand over his leg. He tore his eyes away from the screen, taking a moment to focus on her. "Am I sleeping here tonight?"

"You're thinking about sleep?" he paused the movie.

"Uh-huh, and beds and my bed is all the way across town and you'd have to drive me," she pushed herself to sitting and curled under his arm, counting on her sleepyAbby cuteness to work its charms on him. "And it's late so I think maybe I should stay here, if that's okay with you."

"It's fine. You know the couch is yours when you need it," he said, wondering what she was up to. She never asked, she just stayed or didn't.

"Not where I want to sleep," she stroked his cheek, feeling the barest hint of stubble as she turned his face toward hers. "Can I sleep with you?"

"Abby," he sighed, spotting the signs of an internal debate beginning between his two heads. One screamed an insistent yes and had visions of an elaborate victory dance. The other had a twenty-seven point prepared list of why this was a very bad idea. So, Tony did what he normally did in these situations and listened to his cock which rose happily as Abby stroked his thigh and looked up at him with slightly parted lips. "Just sleep?"

"Uh-huh," she grinned, her hand slipping between his legs and along the seam of his jeans. "Just sleep," she promised even as her fingers suggested otherwise, moving under his shirt and over his belly. He groaned, curling his hands into the fabric of the couch.

"Then you have to stop that, now," he closed his eyes, knowing that if he looked at her, if he touched her, there would be no sleeping and no beds because he wouldn't make it that far.

"And if I don't?" she flicked her tongue against his neck, kneeling beside him. "Are you having a near occasion of sin, Tony?"

"No, this would be a full blown sin," he exhaled slowly, tensing as her fingers found his nipple and pinched lightly. "Lust with a side of gluttony."

"Told you we should've watched Seven," she extricated her hand and kissed his cheek gently before sliding to the other end of the couch. Tony shrugged, reaching for his beer.

"You are the strangest woman I have ever been involved with," he shook his head as she stretched her feet into his lap. Her toenails were painted a pearly pink and it surprised him, although nothing about her should surprise him anymore.

"We're involved now?" she wiggled her toes at him and he sighed again, lifting her feet and standing up.

"I don't know what we are, but clearly, I'm losing my mind," he disappeared down the hall. Abby stretched, hoping he'd come back with the peppermint lotion that made her feet tingle.


Next story in series: God Laughs/Things You Can't Take Back.