Title: A Better Place
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Brendan Block
Fandom: Doctor Who/Secret Smile
Rating: PG-13
Table: fanfic50
Prompt: 3, Pain
WARNINGS: on-going series, past non-con
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Brendan Block, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

Brendan rested his head against the wall, closing his eyes, trying to relax. He and the Doctor had just come back into the ship from exploring a new place, and he always felt a little drained after they'd been out and about in a place he didn't know and hadn't been to before.

He loved traveling with the Doctor, loved going to different time periods and different planets. Being a time taveler was one of the most exciting things that had ever happened to him; it was something he'd never want to give up. He had never dreamed that his life could turn out like this.

It just didn't seem possible that he had fallen into this life. From the first moment of their meeting, being with the Doctor had seemed something like a dream -- but it was real, all of it, every moment. It had all happened to him, and he had the scars and memories to prove it.

Not all of those memories were good ones, Brendan thought with a scowl. There were times that he wanted to forget, times that he wished he could banish from his mind and never recall. But those memories were there, etched into his mind as if they were written in stone.

Still, he wouldn't trade being with the Doctor for the life he would have had if he had remained on Earth and never let himself fall in love with the Time Lord. He would probably have continued on the path he was on, and by now, he would have undoubtedly ended up in jail.

He would more than likely have kept on with his silly plan for revenge, and he'd have let things get out of control and been caught. He was glad that he hadn't gone down that path -- nothing would have been gained from it, and his life would have been very different from what it was now.

He certainly wouldn't be happy, he told himself with a soft sigh. He was happy now -- but he'd be even happier if he could make peace with all of those bad memories that crowded into his mind, memories that he didn't want to keep bringing to the surface.

The pain that he'd endured was only a memory now, but there were times when he awakened in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat, a silent scream caught in his throat. He would lie there beside the Doctor, his chest heaving, the memories as crystal-clear as if he was watching a film.

The memories of that pain sometimes still seemed as fresh as when they had first been etched into his brain; it was as though his body could still feel the echoes, and there were times when he almost didn't want the Doctor to touch him, because he knew that the pain would return.

Only it wouldn't, he reminded himself. The Doctor would never harm him. If the Time Lord thought that he was doing anything to cause his lover pain, then he would stop. The Doctor was nothing like the Master; he would never inflict pain on anyone, much less someone he cared for.

He didn't want to keep remembering that pain; he wanted those memories to simply go away, but Brendan knew that wouldn't happen. Eventually, the memories would fade -- at least, that was his hope. If they didn't, then he would really have a problem, one that he didn't know how to solve.

All he wanted was for his relationship with the Doctor to get back on an even keel, to become what it had been before all of this had happened. He didn't want to keep feeling that he had to hold back, that he had to be afraid of a pain that he knew wasn't going to come.

There was no need to be worried about any pain. He knew realistically that no more was to come; the Doctor wasn't going to hurt him, and he certainly wouldn't let himself fall into the Master's clutches again. He would take his own life rather than have that happen to him again.

Of course, that would leave the Doctor without a companion -- and it would hurt the man he loved, Brendan thought with a pang of regret. But he was sure that the Doctor would understand how he felt; he wouldn't expect Brendan to go through that ordeal a second time.

Though how many times had the Doctor suffered horrible pain at the Master's hands? He shuddered at the thought; just the idea of anyone hurting the man he loved made an icy rage suffuse his entire body and mind. He didn't want to think along those lines; it would only make him angry.

But maybe anger was a good thing to hold close to him so that he could push away the memories of what the Master had made him suffer. Thinking about the Doctor, and what the Master had done to him in the past, was more than enough to push away the thoughts of his own suffering at that monster's hands.

He hated to think of the Doctor going through any kind of pain, but the Time Lord was hundreds of years old. No one got to that kind of age without having suffered -- and Brendan was sure that having gone through a lot was one of the things that made his lover such a good person.

Would he himself ever be like that? He doubted it; he tried to be a decent human being, much more so now that he had met the Doctor, but he would never be that selfless. Though the Doctor did make him want to be a better man, to be worthy of the Time Lord's love.

That thought brought a smile to his lips; just thinking of the fact that the Doctor loved him was enough to make his heart soar and his soul sing. His love was returned; he had no doubt of that. The Doctor was the kind of man who loved honestly and unreservedly; if he said that he loved, then he did.

And somehow, he was the lucky recipient of that love. He knew that he wasn't really deserving of it, at least not as he had been when he and the Doctor had first met. But maybe, just maybe, over the time that they'd been together, he had made amends for the person he used to be.

Looking back, Brendan realized that he didn't like that person very much -- probably no one had. And he couldn't say that he would blame them, either, he thought, wincing as the memories of his former life came back to him in a rush. Those memories were a different kind of pain.

But he had put that person behind him, he told himself firmly. He was no longer like that, and he was proud of himself for having grown and developed into a better person than he'd ever thought he could be. That was what love had done for him. It had made him grow and develop; he had become a better man.

If feeling pain was what it took to make him more worthy of the Doctor, then he would accept that pain, Brendan decided. He wouldn't welcome it; he never welcomed pain, but he would be able to accept that it would make him more than what he was, more of what he wanted to become.

Also, if he could protect the man he loved by feeling that pain, then he would take it. He would do anything to protect the Doctor; he would even sacrifice his own life, if that was what it took. True, that would leave the man he loved alone, but at least he would still be alive.

A world without the Doctor wasn't a world that he wanted to be in, Brendan told himself as he lay back against the pillows, pulling the covers up around the two of them. This man was everything to him; no matter what pain he might have to endure to keep the Doctor in this world, he would deal with it.

The Doctor made the world a better place. This universe couldn't afford to lose him, and Brendan knew it. Without the Doctor, the world would be a bleak and cheerless place, one that didn't hold much hope. That wasn't something that he ever wanted to see.

As long as the Doctor was in this world, he wanted to be here, too, Brendan thought, smiling up at the ceiling. He didn't let his thoughts go on to the fact that he was human, and that he wouldn't be around as long as the Time Lord would. He didn't need to brood about that.

He closed his eyes, knowing that he would be able to sleep soon as long as he could keep the memories out of his mind. He rested one hand on the Doctor's chest, feeling the Time Lord's hearts beating; soon, his breathing became slow and even, and sleep took him over for the rest of the night.

***