Title: All I Really Want
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Brendan Block
Fandom: Doctor Who/Secret Smile
Rating: PG-13
Table: 10_per_genre
Prompt: 9, Deprivation
Author's Note: Slight spoilers for parts of the film Secret Smile.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Brendan Block, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

Brendan sighed and rested his head on the pillow, wrapping one arm around the Doctor's waist. The Time Lord was sleeping with his back turned towards his lover, but Brendan didn't mind that. He liked spooning behind the Doctor as much as he liked having the other man in his arms.

There was something about this position that made him feel powerful, he reflected as he pulled the Doctor closer against his own body. He'd never thought about it in that way before, but being with the Doctor was making him examine a lot of things about his life and his past behavior.

He'd always wanted to be in control. He'd known that since he was a child; he'd never been the sort of person who was happy when others had any kind of mastery over him. He'd worked his entire life to stay out of situations where he could be controlled.

But of course, that had led him to become more detached from others than it was healthy to be; for a logn time, he'd ridden roughshod over other people, ignoring their emotions and their needs. He'd only been able to turn his attention inwards, on himself and what he wanted.

Being with the Doctor had made him look at himself with new eyes -- and truth be told, he was ashamed of how he'd acted for so many years. If he could have gone back and changed a great deal of what he'd done in his life, then he would have done so in a moment.

But he couldn't go back, he told himself firmly. He had to move on from where he was, and hope that his genuine regret for some of the things he'd done was enough of an atonement.

He'd only done some of those things because he'd felt driven to them, he told himself, wishing that he could push the thoughts away. But some things he'd done because he'd wanted to, and if he was honest with himself, he hadn't been a very nice person then.

Now, he could say that he was changing. He was trying to turn himself into a better man. The Doctor deserved no less, at least in Brendan's eyes. He'd never met anyone before who'd made him want to be a better person, but the Doctor had changed the way he viewed himself.

Anyone who'd known him in his life on Earth might have scoffed at that, but it was true. Brendan sighed again as he pulled the covers up around his shoulders, carefully arranging them over the Doctor as he snuggled closer against the other man.

He'd always felt deprived when he was younger; maybe that was a part of what had made him become the person he'd been when the Doctor had met him. He'd always felt that he had to get ahead, had to have more than others did just to feel equal.

It had taken him quite a while to realize that kind of thinking was a fault in himself, and that he was good enough just as he was. He didn't need to prove himself better than anyone else. He simply had to be the best person he could be, and let that speak for itself.

Did that sound self-righteous or sanctimonious? He almost laughed aloud at the idea of the person he'd been thinking in such a way. Just more proof of how much the Doctor had changed him.

He'd really been deprived of a lot as a child, though, at least in his eyes. Maybe that was at least a part of what had made him be the sort of person he was when he became an adult. He hadn't really been loved -- at least, not in the way that he'd needed.

Yes, his parents had always cared about him -- but they had constantly pushed him to do more, to be more, to excel in every way. They'd always encouraged him, and he couldn't fault them for that. But there had come a time when they'd expected too much from him.

How many times had he wanted the chance to just be a kid, to hang out with his friends, to do what he wanted instead of trying to please his parents? He couldn't count them all, but he'd learned quickly enough that his parents were good at making him feel horrible about it.

His sister had hated him for that, he recalled, a scowl settling onto his features. That was why she'd tried to pin the blame for his parents' deaths on him, by saying that he had deliberately started the fire that had killed them, even though she'd had no proof.

And the truth was, he hadn't started that fire. He'd been there, yes, but he hadn't set the fire or wanted it to happen. There had been times when he'd bitterly resented his parents, but he certainly hadn't wanted them to die.

But then, his sister had always wanted their parents' love and attention in the way that he had it -- and she had been happy to deprive him of her love and affection. She'd never cared for him.

That didn't matter now, Brendan told himself, stroking a hand through the Doctor's tawny hair. It didn't matter what people on Earth thought of him, or how they'd tried to deprive him of simple human affection over the years. He had that now -- everything he wanted and needed in one man.

Of course, the affection that the Doctor gave him didn't come from a human, but that didn't matter to him at all. That affection was real, more real than the kind of one-night-stand love he'd gotten from innumerable people in his life in the past.

He would never have to question the Doctor's love. He would never have to ask himself if this man was only with him because he wanted to gain something, or merely because of the sex. He never had to wonder if the Doctor really wanted to be with him.

This was what he'd really wanted through all of those years he'd spent searching for someone to love him. He'd wanted someone who would accept him for who he was, unconditionally, and not listen to what jaundiced opinions others might have of what they thought he was.

No one could deprive him of love any more, Brendan told himself, his arm tightening around the Time Lord's slim waist as the other man stirred and shifted slightly beside him. Those days were over. He'd found all he really wanted, in a place he would never have thought to look.

Looking back at what he'd been in the past, he had to admit to himself that he hadn't been happy with who he was. But all that was changing now, one small step at a time.

Maybe he'd only been that kind of person because of what he saw as the deprivations of his childhood. He'd had parents who loved him, yes, but they'd cared too much at times. And at other times, they hadn't cared enough.

They had deprived him of a normal childhood, but he was done blaming them for that. He'd never really forgiven them, and maybe he never would. But at least he could put that into the past now and walk away, instead of letting himself be driven by it.

That was the past. It had no power to hurt him now, even though he'd been letting it control him for all these years. But that was over. He didn't need to keep searching for a replacement for that love in his present relationships. He'd found a love that was far better.

He had no reason to look back on his past and feel regrets over what he'd been deprived of, Brendan thought, a fleeting smile crossing his features as he closed his eyes. He had a future with the Doctor to look forward to, and it had never looked so bright.

***