Title: Clean Slate
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Brendan Block
Fandom: Doctor Who/Secret Smile
Rating: PG-13
Table: 5, sound_of_drums
Prompt: 11, Mistakes
Warning: past non-con.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Brendan Block, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***


"We've all made mistakes in our lives, Brendan," the Doctor said, shaking his head at his lover. "You can't keep dwelling on yours. They're in the past -- and you know now that they wee mistakes. You won't make the same ones again. They're a learning experience."

Brendan nodded slowly, sighing as he did. "Then why is it that my mistakes seem to haunt me so much?" he asked, his words coming out slowly. "All of the mistakes I made seem so much worse when I look back on them. At the time, they didn't seem so bad."

"That's because when you first make those mistakes -- or when you're in the process of making them -- you usually think you're doing the right thing, and not making a mistake," the Doctor sighed, his voice rueful. "I've made plenty of my own, you know."

"You speak from experience, don't you?" Brendan asked, his gaze roaming over the Doctor's features. He'd never really talk to the Time Lord about some of the things he'd done in the past; he didn't want all of those memories to come flooding back over him again.

"Yes, Brendan, I do." The Doctor's voice was quiet, but strong and firm. "I've been alive for over nine hundred years -- in different bodies, that's true, but I always have the same memories. Different man, but yet the same. And I've made a lot of mistakes over those centuries."

The Doctor paused for a moment, then went on. "And I've learned that you have to see mistakes as a part of your life, an inevitability that you can't dwell on. Everyone makes mistakes. No one is infallible. And every mistake gives you a chance to learn, and to grow."

"That's true," Brendan had to admit, closing his eyes to better concentrate on the Doctor's words. He knew that they were true; every mistake he'd made had been an experience he'd learned from. Mainly, he had learned not to make the same mistake again.

Did everyone see mistakes in that way, though? He didn't think so. Far too many people kept making the same mistakes, never learning from what they did. In fact, it seemed to be a key component to the makeup of the human race that the majority of them did just that.

At least he could count himself as one of the smarter members of the human race, who learned from his own mistakes. He'd made so many stupid ones in the past, he told himself, looking back regretfully at the life he had lived before he'd met the Doctor.

Especially that last so-called "relationship" he'd been in, he thought with a shudder. That woman had been completely psychotic -- what kind of person picked up a man at a nightclub, then took him home and slept with him when she didn't even know his name?

He'd been drunk at the time -- and gratified that someone had found him attractive enough to want to be with him without even knowing who he was. He had told himself that he could fall in love with her simply because he'd been lonely and starved for affection.

But that first morning when he'd awakened in her bed, something had seemed wrong. He'd been very taken with her at the time, but there had been something lurking beneath the surface of her sweet smiles that had made him feel horribly uneasy.

And then when she had broken up with him less than a week later, treating him as though he was the very dirt beneath her feet, when she had been the one to first approach him and all he'd done was feel that he might be able to fall in love -- he'd felt nothing but rage.

If he hadn't met the Doctor that very afternoon, he might have done something incredibly stupid. His rage might have gotten the better of him and made him go after her -- not to do her permanent injury, but to make her see that she couldn't treat people like that and get away with it.

Fortunately, the Doctor had crossed his path before that rage had been able to grow and develop -- and it had dawned on him that the bitch was worthless, and that the man who was presenting himself to Brendan was a better person than she could ever hope to be.

He'd made a conscious choice to turn away from her and all that she represented, and to throw his lot in with the Doctor. And he hadn't regretted that decision, not for a moment. He'd never been happier than during these last months -- and all because of the Doctor.

How could he have thought that the life he'd led on Earth could be anything that would possibly call him away from this man? He had thought at the beginning that this would just be a fling, that he couldn't stay with the Doctor and live in his world.

But it had been far easier to slip into that world and become a part of it than he could ever have imagined. And now, he couldn't see himself without the Doctor. Leaving this man wasn't an option; the Doctor was too much a part of him, too entwined into his emotions.

His life wasn't on Earth. If he went back there, he would only have an existence, not a life. A lonely, empty existence that would be filled with memories of the Doctor, filled with regrets at not having taken a chance on his happiness when it was right there in front of him.

He could no sooner leave this man than he could exist if he ripped out his own heart. And leaving the Time Lord would be like tearing his heart out; not having the Doctor by his side would mean losing his heart, losing the one person who meant everything to him.

"What are you thinking about?" the Doctor asked softly, breaking into Brendan's thoughts. "If you're brooding on whatever mistakes you've made in the past -- don't. Those mistakes are over and done with. You have to learn what you can from them, and move on."

Brendan nodded, smiling at his lover and pushing his thoughts to the back of his mind, locking them firmly away and slamming a door on them. He didn't need to keep those regrets; like the Doctor said, they were in the past. Going over them again and again wouldn't do him any good.

"I was thinking about the mistakes I've made in the past -- and the fact that I usually learned from them," he said slowly, wanting to be honest with his lover, but not wanting to divulge all of his thoughts. "And how you saved me from making a very bad one the day I met you."

"You would have gone back to that woman and had a fight with her if you hadn't met me, wouldn't you?" the Doctor asked, his voice soft and a little hesitant. "I'm glad that I kept you from doing that, Brendan. She wouldn't have been worth your time or trouble."

"I know that now," he said softly, reaching for the Doctor's hand. "I knew it then, really. Once I'd laid eyes on you, everyone else who'd ever been in my life faded into the background. I might not have admitted it at the time, but I knew then and there that you were the one."

"I had that feeling the first time I saw you, too," the Doctor told him, his voice soft and husky. "I wanted you from the first moment I set eyes on you, Brendan. And some part of me told me that I would fall in love with you. I might even have done that from the very beginning."

"The two of us finding each other was no mistake," Brendan said, standing up and pulling the Doctor to his feet as well. "I think having you in my life makes up for all the mistakes I've made in the past. Finally, I've done something that's utterly and completely right."

The Time Lord laughed softly, moving into Brendan's embrace and sliding his thin arms around the other man's waist. "We've both made a lot of mistakes in the past, Brendan. And we'll more than likely make some in the future. But at least now, we'll make them together."

Brendan nodded, a smile starting to spread across his face. "None of the mistakes in our pasts matter," he whispered, his lips hovering close to the Time Lord's mouth. "They've all been wiped away. I think we've started over with a clean slate. Not many people are so lucky."

As their lips met, Brendan moved a hand down the Doctor's back, feeling his heart thump more rapidly in his chest. Being with this man was no mistake. Loving the Doctor was the best thing he'd ever done -- not only for himself, but also for the man in his arms. And he would never regret it for a moment.

***