Title: Face Facts
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: past Jack/Doctor
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 30_losses
Prompt: 12B, Blinding truth
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor sighed as he slumped against the console of the Tardis, feeling more bleak than he had in a long time. There were days when having a life as long as his had definite disadvantages, he thought with another sigh. It only gave him more memories to regret.

The one person who could have shared that long life was gone; there was no going back, no retracing their steps and finding a way to make the relationship work. When something was over, it was over. Those had been Jack's words not long before he'd left.

He had to face facts, he told himself. His former lover wasn't coming back, and there was no way that they could go back to being what they had been before. He was going to have to move ahead with his life -- a life that didn't include Jack Harkness.

Moving ahead with his life would be so much easier if he felt that he had anything to look forward to, the Doctor thought gloomily, propping his chin in one hand and gazing unseeingly at the console. There didn't seem to be any savor to life any more; everything felt flat and lifeless.

He had felt this way when companions had left him before, but it had always lasted a short time. He had been able to find new companions, to let other people into his life and his heart. But there had never been anyone else like Jack -- and there never would be again.

Jack had not only been his companion; Jack had been his lover, the one person who he had completely opened his heart and soul to. He'd had other lovers in the past, of course, but there had never been anyone who had understood him in the way that Jack had.

The immortal might not understand what it was like to regenerate into a new body, but he did have more understanding than anyone else in the world did about what it could be like to live a long life, and to see everyone he loved die before he ever would.

The only being capable of knowing what that feeling was like was the Master -- and he certainly didn't have the same take on the situation, the Doctor thought with a shudder. He didn't want to liken himself to the Master, or even admit that they were members of the same race.

That was one aspect of his life that he didn't want to think about -- his awkward kinship with the Master. He was nothing like that monster, the Doctor told himself firmly, even though they were both Gallifreyans. His half-human ancestry made him vastly different.

And that was yet another thing that Jack had understood about him -- and loved. Jack had known why he had such a fascination with humans, why he loved being around them. Jack had understood his softer side, understood his need to right some of the wrongs in the universe.

A part of him could understand why Jack had walked away. He knew that the immortal always felt as if he didn't do enough; he hated feeling as though he was relegated to being nothing more than a companion, a sidekick. He didn't realize that he had always been so much more.

Jack wanted to be the hero who saved the world; he wanted to be the person who received all of the accolades, all of the adoring looks. He didn't want to share that with anyone -- Jack needed to be the center of attention, the star of his particular show.

The Doctor sighed, pushing himself away from the console and going to sit in one of the chairs in front of the Tardis' large viewscreen. The blue marble that was Earth filled the screen; that was where Jack was now, somewhere out there, living his life.

Alone. As he wanted to be. A life that he was living without the Doctor in it, a life that he had chosen for himself as easily as he chose which clean shirt to put on in the morning. Jack had walked from him far more easily than he would have been able to do the same.

Maybe it hadn't been all that easy for Jack -- but he had been the one who had made the decision to leave. The Doctor hadn't tried to hold him back; if that was what Jack wanted, then he didn't feel that he had the right to force his lover into a life that made him unhappy.

But the fact still remained that, after more than a year without Jack, he himself was still miserable. It had dawned on him in a rush of blinding truth only recently that he would always love Jack, and that no one else would ever be able to take the immortal's place.

That was a truth that he would rather not have had to face; he wanted to believe that he could still give his hearts to someone, that he wasn't going to be irrevocably in love with one person for the rest of his days. That was a thought too dreadful to contemplate.

If he could have been with Jack, then he wouldn't have minded spending all of eternity loving one person. In fact, that was what he wanted -- to spend all of his life, this one and any other that he might have, with Jack Harkness as the keeper of his hearts and soul.

That wasn't what Jack had wanted. He wasn't the sort of man who could love only one person for an untold number of years, or decades, or centuries. He was the kind of person who wanted variety, and he had made that clear to the Doctor even when they were together.

He and Jack were better apart; the more practical side of his nature knew that and accepted it. The way that they looked at love, and at their relationship, was vastly different. Jack would never love him in the way that he loved the immortal. It simply wasn't possible.

Why was it so hard for him to face facts and convince his hearts that he and Jack were over and done with? Why couldn't he simply move on, as Jack had, find some other companion, and make himself realize that he wasn't meant to have a lover in his life?

Because his hearts still belonged to Jack -- and always would, that was why, a voice in the back of his mind whispered. Try as he might, he was never going to love anyone else in the way that he had loved Jack. That was one blinding truth that he had to face head-on.

He would have to get used to knowing that he could never have the one man he would ever love, the one man who understood what it was like to be who he was. Jack might not know what it was like to be a Time Lord, but there were so many things that he did understand.

He would never have that understanding in his life again. He would never have Jack by his side, watching his back. And he would never lie next to Jack in bed again, feel those strong arms around him, and feel that he was loved and desired.

Those were facts that he had to face, the Doctor told himself, sighing heavily as he stared at the planet on the viewscreen. He had to get used to the fact that Jack was no longer in his life, and move on in spite of it. That was all he could do.

Turning away from the sight on the viewscreen, he got up slowly, making his way back to the console. He had to turn away from any thoughts he might have of turning back. He had to try to face facts and look ahead to the future -- even if that future looked very bleak at the moment.

***