Title: Goodbye My Lover
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: John Smith/Arthur Eddington
Fandom: Doctor Who/Einstein and Eddington
Rating: PG-13
Table: 2
Prompt: 67, Heartache
Note: Continuation of Lovers in A Dangerous Time.
Author's Note: This fic doesn't feature the Tenth Doctor, but technically, since he is John Smith, it does fit the challenge claim. Slight spoilers for Einstein and Eddington.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own John Smith or Sir Arthur Eddington. Please do not sue.

***

This was what he had dreaded, John thought, looking down at his hands clasped in his lap as he sat on the edge of his bed. Today was the day he had to leave Arthur, to go back to London. He'd known this day would come, but he'd prayed that it wouldn't.

Now it was here; there was no way either of them could push it back any longer, or pretend that their inevitable parting wasn't going to happen. He only had a few more hours left with his beloved; no, not even that. Only a couple of hours, at most.

He wanted to burst into tears, to find Arthur and beg him to come to London with him -- or better yet, to find a way for him to stay here. As much as he loved teaching and loved the school he worked at, he knew that he would be leaving his heart here when he departed.

Arthur had said that it wouldn't be for long, and he knew that was true. But even one day, even one hour, was too long for him. He didn't know how he was going to survive weeks, possibly even months, of being separated from the man he loved.

If only he hadn't come here. If only he hadn't met Arthur and fallen head over heels in love with him, then he wouldn't be feeling like this, John told himself, holding back a sob. This hurt too much. He wasn't going to be able to stand it.

No, he couldn't think like that. He felt guilty for having such a horrible thought -- Arthur had been the best thing that had ever happened to him. Loving the young scientist had enriched his life in so many ways, and he wouldn't trade their time together for anything else in the world.

Arthur was the center of his life, his universe. Once he was parted from his lover, he had no idea how he was going to get through the long, lonely days -- and nights. Especially the nights.

But he had no choice, John told himself, holding back a sob. He'd known since the beginning that he'd have to eventually leave, and that Arthur wouldn't be able to come with him. He'd dreaded this day, and now it was here upon him with no way of turning back.

He couldn't let Arthur see him like this, not on the day that he was leaving. He didn't want the man he loved to have the memory of him depressed and crying. He wanted Arthur to carry a happy image of him in his mind, to keep in his heart until they were together again.

With that thought in his mind, John wiped his tears away, trying his best to hold them back. He was determined not to let Arthur see how broken he was; the last thing he wanted now was for his lover to feel that he was too emotional and pull away from him, when they had so little time left together.

No, he told himself firmly, hoping that he could keep his resolve firm. He wasn't going to cry in front of Arthur. He didn't know how he was going to manage that, but somehow, he was going to keep the tears back until he was alone on the train. He wouldn't let Arthur see how shattered he was.

Though Arthur was more than likely feeling the same way, he thought, wondering just how his lover was faring. Well, he'd know in a few moments. It was nearly time for Arthur to come and tell him that they had to leave for the train station.

He swallowed hard, feeling the tears start to well up behind his eyes again, in spite of his good resolution. It was going to be so hard not to let Arthur see his distress ....

And what if Arthur was having just as hard a time holding back tears? That would only make it all the easier for him to break down, and he didn't want them to spend their last bit of time with each other crying and feeling depressed. They both deserved better than that.

They'd spent their last night together in bed, going upstairs earlier than usual. Winnie hadn't given them the strange look John had feared; she had only smiled and nodded knowingly, seemingly giving them her blessing to spend their last night together in each other's company.

If only he could stay here, John thought, looking around the comfortable room he'd spent the happiest days of his life in. This would be etched on his memory forever; there was no way he could forget this room -- or what had taken place here.

This was the room where he'd first discovered love, first opened his heart to the man he knew would own it forever. This was the place where he'd first admitted to himself that he loved Arthur, and where he'd gathered the courage to live his life the way he wanted to live.

Even if, for some unexpected reason, he was never in this room again, he would never forget it. Everything about this room, this house, this enchanted place where he and Arthur had first discovered each other, would linger in his heart forever.

His head jerked up as he heard a soft knock on the door, and a moment later, Arthur looked in, a small smile on his face. It was obvious that he, too, was fighting his emotions; the look on his face was one of combined sorrow and fear.

Fear for the future? John's brow creased at the thought, and he held out his arms to Arthur without saying a word, waiting for his lover to cross the room and sit down beside him.

Arthur moved across the room to him, sitting down on the bed and pulling John into his arms. For what seemed like a long time to them both, they just sat there, John's head resting on Arthur's shoulder, holding each other and not wanting to let go.

John finally spoke, his voice trembling, the words sounding shaky and small in the silence of the room. "I don't want to go. I'd do anything to be able to stay here with you -- or for you to be able to go with me. There has to be a way."

Arthur shook his head, swallowing hard before he could speak. "John, love, you know there isn't. We've thought about this so much, we've been over it so many times. I'll be with you as soon as I can. But it's inevitable that you have to go back to London."

John didn't answer; he couldn't bring himself to speak again. He was afraid that if he did, he would burst into tears and not be able to stop crying. He didn't want Arthur's last sight of him to be red-faced and tear-streaked -- that wasn't how his love should have to remember him.

"John." Arthur's voice was husky, trembling with emotion. "I would give anything, anything in the world, if I could keep you here and never have to leave you again. You know I don't want you to go any more than you want to leave. But it's something we have to deal with, for the present at least."

He could feel Arthur trembling, feel the other man's arms tighten around him. John knew that Arthur, too, was on the verge of tears; he had to somehow pull himself together. He didn't want the two of them to cry and spoil the last bit of time they had with each other.

"I know," he finally managed to say, his voice not wanting to obey him. "We d-don't have a choice. But I wish it could be different."

"So do I, love," Arthur whispered, pulling away slightly and taking John's face between his hands. His eyes met John's, their gazes locking and holding. "I love you, John Smith. This isn't going to be forever. I'll be with you as soon as possible -- and then we'll be able to spend the rest of our lives together."

John didn't want to know what time it was, how the minutes, the seconds, were ticking away towards the time they would have to be parted. But he knew that Arthur wouldn't have come to his room unless it was nearly time for them to go to the train station.

As though his lover sensed what he was thinking, Arthur sighed softly and stood up, pulling John to his feet and embracing him. "We have to go," he said, his words muffled in John's shoulder. "I don't want you to be late for your train."

He reluctantly released John, bending to pick up the young teacher's suitcase and reaaching out with his free hand to twine his fingers through John's. "It isn't forever, love, I promise you that," he whispered, bringing John's hand to his lips. "I can't be parted from you for long."

"Nor I you," John murmured, tears rising to his eyes again as he followed Arthur out of the room. This was too painful, he thought to himself, his heart seeming to clench in his chest as they headed down the stairs and out the front door. I can't survive this. I can't.

But he had to. He had no choice. He managed to give Winnie as smile as she hugged him, then he was sliding into the hired transport that would take him to the station -- and away from Arthur for an unspecified time. All he wanted to do was to turn and run back into the house, hide there and refuse to leave.

John kept his eyes focused on the road in front of them, feeling the lump in his throat grow larger with each passing moment. Beside him, Arthur was gripping his hand, his own face white and strained, and John knew that his lover was dreading their parting just as much as he was.

When they reached the station, John had to force himself to step onto the ground; he knew that every movement was another step forward on the road that would take him away from Arthur. Every part of his being cried out that he was doing the wrong thing, that he shouldn't leave.

He forced those thoughts down; he had to leave. As Arthur had said, it wouldn't be forever. His lover would be in London as soon as he could be, and then they could start a life together.

"Do you have your ticket, love?" Arthur asked, his voice husky, trembling, the words coming out choked and strained. John turned towards him, fighting back his own tears. He wasn't going to cry. Not now. Not in public. He wouldn't embarrass Arthur -- or himself.

"Yes, it's right here." He swallowed back the lump in his throat, wanting to throw his arms around Arthur, kiss him, cling to him until the second that he had to step onto that train. But he didn't dare. There were too many people around them who would be shocked, even scandalized.

"Take care," Arthur told him, giving him a small smile. John expected him to step away, hold out his hand to shake, and that would be it. After all, they had to be rather formal here, where there were eyes all around that could very well be watching Arthur.

But he didn't. To John's surprise, he stepped forward, wrapping those strong arms around his waist and pulling him close in a hug. With only a moment's hesitation, he hugged Arthur back, knowing that this would probably only be seen as good friends bidding each other an emotional farewell.

He could feel Arthur's lips against his hair, hear that soft whisper in his ear. "I love you, John. I love you more than anything in the universe. I'll be with you soon, my darling. Remember that -- and always remember that you're my world. My heart. My life."

"And you're mine," John whispered back. "I love you, Arthur. My heart will always belong to you -- as will everything about me. I'll always be yours, no matter what the future might bring." With those words, they broke apart as the porter picked up his bag to put it on the train.

He didn't take his eyes from Arthur as he stepped onto the train, hoping that he would still be there when he found a seat by the window. He sat down, looking out through the glass, his eyes searching for the man he loved standing on the platform.

There he was. Looking just as beautiful as the first time John had seen him. Even more so, he thought with a catch in his throat and a sudden thumping of his heart.

He raised his hand, forcing himself to smile as the train began to move. Arthur kissed the tips of his fingers, holding them up, and after a moment, John did the same, keeping his eyes on the tall, slender figure until the train went around a curve and the station platform was lost to view.

John settled back in his seat, closing his eyes. All he could hope was that he would see Arthur again as soon as possible, that the two of them would be reunited as they planned. Two people who loved each other as much as they did couldn't possibly be separated for good. It would be too cruel.

No, he told himself, staring unseeingly out of the window. He and Arthur would be together again. They had to be. No deity, if there was one, would allow them to be parted. Not now, not when they'd only just found each other and discovered what love was.

Mercifully, he had no premonition of what the future would bring.

***