Title: Hurt By Love
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: past Jack/Doctor
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: R
Table: 6, 12_stories
Prompt: 2, Hurt
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor took a deep breath as he turned a corner, walking aimlessly along the Cardiff streets. He hadn't really thought about where he was going; there wasn't one particular place that he intended to be. But his steps were leading him in an obvious direction.

Towards the Hub.

His steps slowed, a frown settling onto his features as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his long coat. He didn't want to go near the Hub, yet somehow, he was always drawn there whenever he was in Cardiff. He couldn't help himself.

Jack didn't want to see him. He was more certain of that than he'd ever been of anything. The few times that he'd actually gone to the Hub after they'd first split up, Jack had made excuses to leave quickly after the Doctor had only been there for a few minutes.

Fine. He could take a hint, and he certainly knew when he wasn't wanted. He'd stopped going to the Hub after that, but he couldn't keep himself from walking past the place whenever he was in Cardiff -- usually multiple times.

Why couldn't he get over Jack Harkness as easily as the immortal appeared to have gotten over him? He shoudln't be doing this to himself; he didn't need to hold on to the vain hope that somehow he and Jack might be able to make things work between them.

That was a vain hope, he thought with a sigh. Jack had made his choice when he'd decided to leave; he felt that he was needed more here on Earth than anywhere else, and he obviously enjoyed leading the Torchwood team.

It didn't seem to matter to him that the Doctor might need him as much as Torchwood did.

Jack had laughed at that; he'd told the Doctor that no matter what he might think, he wasn't in need of anyone. He could take care of himself, Jack had pointed out -- and althought that fact was certainly true, it hadn't made Jack's leaving hurt any less.

The truth was, he did need someone with him. The loneliness of being without a companion seemed to engulf him at times; there were nights when he would lie in bed sleepless, thinking of those nights that he had shared with Jack.

Did Jack ever think about those nights? He was sure that the other man had fond memories of the time they'd shared; but unlike himself, Jack didn't look back at those times and wish that they weren't in the past. Jack had moved on -- but for some reason, he couldn't.

He shouldn't be having such a hard time doing that, the Doctor admonished himself. Jack was part of his past; he'd never had such a hard time leaving the past behind him before. It shouldn't be so damned hard for him to look at a life without Jack in it.

It wasn't as though he'd been the only person in the world who was hurt by love. Others learned to live with that sort of disappointment; they got on with their lives, rather than returning to the past again and again, wishing that it could have turned out differently.

So why was he still living in the past?

He was a Time Lord. He could travel into the past or the future; he was connected to all of time, in more ways than he could enumerate. He was surrounded by time; he could feel it all, sense it all. He was a part of the timestream itself, a living, breathing component of time.

So why did he keep returning to this one time in his life? It wasn't as though there hadn't been other times when he'd been happy. Those times had ended, of course, but they hadn't cut into his hearts the way that Jack's leaving had.

He'd been hurt in different ways before. He was used to physical pain; he didn't like it, of course, but it was something he'd conditioned himself to fight over the centuries. He could withstand that sort of pain and stay stoic, at least most of the time.

But being hurt by love was completely new to him. No one else's rejection had ever hurt him the way Jack's had; he'd never felt as crushed in spirit as he'd felt when Jack had told him that he was leaving and going back to Earth to work with Torchwood.

Other people got over feeling like this, didn't they? They learned how to patch their broken hearts and find someone else. But for him, it wasn't so easy. It wasn't as though he could simply go out in the world and find someone to have a relationship with.

Oh, he could find someone to sleep with easily enough. Sex was available no matter where he went. And now that he had an exceedingly attractive body, there were more than enough people who wanted to sleep with him -- some who would even fling themselves at him.

That wasn't what he wanted. Meaningless sex with people whose names he wouldn't remember when they woke up beside him in the morning wasn't what he needed in his life. That worked for Jack, but he was a completely different animal.

All he wanted was to have Jack in his life again. He wanted to wake up next to Jack's warm body, to feel those strong arms around him. He wanted to hear that voice whispering into his ear when they made love, feel that body thrusting into him.

He'd never feel any of that again.

It was over, and he had to face that fact. It had been over for a long time; Jack had put their relationship behind him. He'd let it go, and he was apparently ready to be nothing more than friends, to bury the memories of all that they had shared.

Jack could approach him with a smile and a handshake, with nothing in his eyes to tell the Doctor that he even remembered everything they'd been to each other. It was as though the time they'd been together hadn't been real to him.

Maybe it wasn't, the Time Lord thought with a soft sigh. Maybe that time had only existed in his own mind. Maybe it hadn't been real to Jack, nothing more than a passing fancy that he could easily walk away from, no matter what he'd said to the contrary.

Did it really matter? That time was over, and he shouldn't be heading towards the Hub any time he was in Cardiff. In fact, he shouldn't even be coming to Cardiff as much as he did. He was only torturing himself by doing so.

The only time he should be here was when he needed to refuel from the rift. That was all.

He shouldn't be wandering around the city, hoping that he might run into Jack. He shouldn't be walking past the Hub, looking up, wondering if there was any chance that Jack might be looking down at the street and see him.

And he certainly shouldn't be hoping that his former lover might have a change of heart and come to him, that he might feel those arms around him again and those lips on his, hear that voice telling him that Jack loved him and wanted them to be together.

That was utterly crazy. It was a vain hope in every way. But in the back of his mind -- and in his hearts -- he wanted it to happen. He wanted to be with Jack again, more than he'd ever wanted anything. But he had too much pride to go to the immortal and tell him that.

Jack had made his choice, and there was no swaying that man once he'd made a decision. The Doctor knew that from experience; Jack had chosen a life without him, and it wouldn't be fair to either of them for him to hold on to a dream that would never come true.

Heaving a sigh, the Doctor turned around and headed back the way he'd come. The Tardis would be waiting for hm, and he really should get back to the ship and leave Earth for a while. There were too many memories on this planet -- and especially in this city.

He might never have been hurt by love before, he thought as he walked slowly back to where he'd left his ship, but once was enough. Maybe in time he would be able to put that hurt in the past -- but he had the uncomfortable feeling that it would always be with him.

***