Title: In Dreams
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: gen
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 30_forbidden
Prompt: 19, Watch
Author's Note: Spoilers for Human Nature and The Family Blood.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

Maybe he should never have taken his Time Lord consciousness out of that watch.

The Doctor sighed, looking down at the pocket watch he held in his hand. How had it come back to him? He'd never wanted to see it again after his tenure as John Smith had been over; too much had happened to him during that time that brought back bad memories.

He'd been shown the life he could have lived as a human, and he wanted it back. Not particularly with that woman; she'd annoyed him too much. John Smith may have cared for her, but he wasn't John Smith. Not really. That man was someone completely alien to him.

Come to think of it .... the Doctor's fingers closed around the watch, his mouth thinning into a grim line. He hadn't really liked John Smith very much. He wouldn't have wanted to go through the rest of his life as that man, even if it was a short human life.

He would have tied himself to someone who, deep down in the recesses of his soul, he didn't love. He would have tried to live a life of spotless, shining virtue -- never doing anything out of the ordinary, only filling his journal with impossible dreams.

Or rather, dreams that he would have thought were impossible. He would always have yearned for what he didn't think could be -- never knowing that there was a whole other life that waited for him, an entirely different self that existed beyond the stars.

How could he have thought for even a millisecond of time that he could live like that?

And now .... the watch was back again, to send those memories flooding back. The comfortable, easy, settled life he could have had as a human. A life that one side of him wanted more than anything, a life that promised safety and security.

But was that really what he wanted? Wouldn't be be bored, restless, always wanting to do more than he was told could be possible? Even in the guise of John Smith, thinking that he truly was John Smith, he wouldn't have been completely happy.

Yes, he could have had a family. He could have had a life that most humans would think was the epitome of perfection and happiness. But there would always have been that small part of him that knew of something more, even if only in his dreams.

The Doctor closed his eyes, feeling the edges of the watch press against his skin. He was holding it so tightly that he was sure it would leave an impression in his palm, one that seared into his flesh and never went away; an image that would always be there.

That was what this watch appeared to be. Something that would never leave him, even if he tried to give it away, throw it away, or push it out of his life completely. Apparently, it still had some reason to be with him, some use that he would someday put it to.

The damned thing wasn't going to simply disappear, that was obvious.

Getting rid of it was apparently impossible, so he should probably just accept that fact and keep it with him until he found some other use for it. Though hopefully, there wouldn't be another need for it quite like the last one. He didn't want to relive that situation again.

What else would it be good for, other than holding his Time Lord consciousness intact if he had to "go underground" in a human body again? That was what it had been designed for; there wasn't any other reason for it to have made its way back to him.

Maybe it was telling him that it would be needed again, that it wasn't possible to push something aside that was, in some ways, tied to him. Well, it was back now, and he'd learned his lesson about trying to get rid of it. That apparently couldn't be done.

He dreamed about this watch sometimes, he reflected, opening his fist and looking down at the watch again. Maybe that was why it had found its way back to him somehow; maybe he himself had called it back, without realizing he'd done so.

There was no denying that it was connected to him in some way. It had a part of him embedded inside of it; and perhaps he would need it again. Trying to push it away from him had obviously been the wrong thing to do.

So he would have to accept it back into his life -- albeit reluctantly.

With a sigh, the Doctor tucked the watch into the pocket of his coat. Maybe the day would come when he'd need it again, and maybe not. If that day did come, he hoped that the situation would be very different from the last one -- and that it wouldn't happen too soon.

***