Title: In This Life
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: gen
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: doctorwho_100
Prompt: 82, If
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

***

If he wasn't a Time Lord, what would he be?

The Doctor almost laughed as the memory of the little game he had played with himself over the centuries came back to him. Quite a few of his companions had asked him that, and there were times when he liked to think up strange answers for the question.

But really, he had no idea. What would he be? He had rather limited choices, actually. Now that his home planet no longer existed, it wasn't as though he could go back to living some sort of quiet life there, settle down and be a typical Gallifreyan.

No, that was out of the question. He'd never be typical in any sense of the word, not even on his home planet with other people like him all around.

Even when he'd lived on Gallifrey, before he'd realized that he was much more comfortable spending most of his time with the Tardis traveling in time and space, he'd been an outcast. He'd never been accepted on his home planet any more than he would be on any other.

Oh, he could probably be accepted, in a way, on Earth -- as long as he kept quiet about who and what he was. He'd discovered long ago that being truthful with humans about himself would only get him strange looks, people backing away from him, and eventually a team of "doctors" coming to take him away.

He wasn't risking that happening. The fewer humans who knew about who he actually was, the better. And even those few seemed to think that he was more than a little crazy sometimes. But that was their right, he supposed.

Had he ever wanted to be anything other than a Time Lord? The Doctor frowned, trying to think back to his childhood. He couldn't recall ever having wanted to do anything particular with his life until he'd focused on this one thing.

And he'd focused on it at a very early age, as he recalled. He didn't know exactly how old he'd been, but it was young enough to startle his family.

After all, small children usually developed a yearning to be something a bit more .... normal than a Time Lord, even on his planet. He'd been extraordinarily young when he'd decided what he wanted to be, but older than some when he'd been through the tests.

Not like the Master, who'd been far too young -- and unprepared.

He tore his mind away from that train of thought reluctantly. That was something he didn't need to think about, not when th Master had been dormant for a while. With any luck, it would be some time before they faced each other again.

The Master had been so much like him when they were young -- he, too, had wanted nothing other than to be a Time Lord. Well, they'd both achieved their dream. And they'd each used it for very different motives.

He'd always had the good of the world in mind, keeping that as his first and foremost goal. But the Master -- ah, there was a mind that had been warped by the power and control that becoming a Time Lord had given him.

He should never have been allowed to take the tests. The elders should have been able to see what it would do to him, that it would completely warp his mind and twist him into something that no one in their right mind would ever want to be. They'd known there was a possibility, of course. That was a risk that everyone who took the tests subjected themselves to.

But the Master's madness had gone far beyond what any of the Time Lords had ever experienced. No one knew how to control him, or how to teach him what he would need to know. He'd merely taken all of that knowledge and twisted it to fit his own ends.

Thinking about that never did any good, he told himself bitterly. He only made himself miserable by thinking of the "what could have beens" of the Master's life. But if only he could have saved his one-time friend .... how different things might be now.

The Doctor shoook his head as though to clear it. What made him think that his life might be different if the Master wasn't mad? He'd still be a Time Lord.

He would still be living the life he did -- though there might be changes. He could have a companion by his side who wouldn't leave. Or he could have chosen to rescind his responsibilities if he'd found the right person to be with -- though he seriously doubted that.

That rosy little dream had been with him for far too long. He'd accepted long ago that it would never happen -- but a part of him still clung to it, to the hope of finding someone who would be everything that he needed, someone who would love him and stay with him unconditionally.

Maybe that was what he'd really want to be if he wasn't a Time Lord. The Doctor smiled, a sardonic little gesture that really bore little relation to a smile. It was more of a grimace, a gesture that he usually only used on his enemies.

He wanted something that he could never have. He'd spent a good part of his life looking for it, before he'd finally given in and learned to bury that need deep within himself, not wanting anyone to see that need and somehow use it against him.

How many people had asked him what he'd want to be if he wasn't a Time Lord? Quite a few -- and he'd always had a flippant answer for each one of them. He'd never been able to tell anyone what he really wanted -- oh no, that would reveal too much of what was in his hearts, and that would be dangerous, to let anyone see that part of who he was.

It didn't matter that he'd wanted to let that side of himself show, that he'd felt guilty about not letting his companions see every facet of his being. But he'd long since learned to keep some parts of himself hidden, to keep them safe.

Maybe it wasn't the most honest way to live, but it was the only way for him. He couldn't let others see how he really felt. He'd probably never be able to.

If he could let that hidden side of himself show, it would be a miracle. But it would take a special person in his life to give him the strength to come out from behind his self-imposed walls, and he sincerely doubted that person had ever existed, or ever would.

He'd given up looking for that sort of life, he told himself fiercely. It wasn't in the cards for him. He could have companions, friends, people he cared about. But that was all. More than that simply wasn't a part of his destiny -- not in this life, or any other.

What would he want to be if he wasn't a Time Lord? He'd known all along, ever since he'd first become what he was. It was the greatest sacrifice he'd made to live this life. Maybe it had been too much of a sacrifice to ask himself to make, but he'd done it nonetheless.

His lips formed the word, a quiet whisper in the silence of the Tardis.

"Loved."

***