Title: Irreplaceable
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: past Jack/Doctor
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 30_losses
Prompt: 16, Amuse
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor sighed as he leaned back in his chair, looking up at the ceiling of the control room without really seeing it. He felt empty, drained, as though there was nothing driving him onwards any more. He hadn't felt like this in longer than he could remember.

What he needed was someone to share his life with -- not necessarily someone who would be with him forever, but someone who could give him companionship. He'd had that in the past, and he missed it more than he'd ever thought he could.

He missed having someone around to talk with, to laugh with, to share his joys and sorrows with. Someone who could amuse him, who could jolly him out of bad moods or melancholy memories, someone who could make him feel alive and energized.

Someone like Jack.

The Doctor wanted to put a halt to his thoughts; he wanted to block out his former lover's image from his mind, to forget that he'd ever started on this train of thought. He didn't want to think about Jack; that would only make him sink more deeply into depression.

No. He wasn't depressed yet. He was only on the road to it; he knew the signs well enough to know that he had to pull himself back from that precipice that he was teetering dangerously close to the edge of. He couldn't let himself sink any further.

It was best to slam the door on thoughts of the man he'd been involved with; those thoughts couldn't lead anywhere. Jack had left him of his own free will. He wasn't coming back, and there was no use in hoping for that slim possibility.

There was also no sense in clinging to the idea that someday, somehow, they might be together again, the Doctor told himself firmly. Jack was a part of his past, not his future. Once something was over and done with, there was no going back.

Of all the people in the world, he should know the folly of trying to go back and rewrite time. Turning back the clock was neither possible nor advisable; he'd seen people try to do it, and it almost never worked out in the way that they'd hoped it would.

Besides, who was to say that any new relationship he began with Jack would be as good as the old one had been? Maybe being with Torchwood had changed Jack so much that he would no longer be the same person who the Doctor had been so desperately in love with.

If they got back together, maybe Jack wouldn't amuse him in the way that he used to. Maybe things would be so completely different between them that they would regret having restarted their relationship. No, it was better to leave things as they were.

If anything were to crop up between them again, would he still be amused by Jack's little foibles? Or would they only point out to him the fact that Jack had left him once, and could easily do so again? Would he ever be able to trust the other man completely?

He doubted it, the Doctor thought sadly. At one point, Jack had been an amusing companion; that had lasted even after they'd become lovers. But all of that would be changed now. His trust in Jack was gone, destroyed when the other man had deliberately walked away from him.

He didn't want to remember that time in his life. He'd never felt such pain as when the man he loved with all of his hearts and soul had turned away, telling him that Torchwood was the most important thing in his life and that this was best for both of them.

How many times had he gone over their parting again and again in his mind, searching his memory for something that he could have done to stop Jack from leaving? How many times had he castigated himself for not begging his lover to stay?

That would have been useless. Once Jack made up his mind to do something, he did it, with no looking back, no second guessing, and no questions asked. He was the kind of man who made his decisions rapidly, and strode forward into the future on the strength of those decisions.

If only he himself could be as strong! But Jack hadn't been affected by their breakup in the same way that he had. It had been Jack's decision to let go -- and he'd done it seemingly without any inkling of how the Doctor would feel about this sudden severing of their bond.

Why was it that the one person who could give him forever should be the one person who was reluctant to do so? the Doctor thought with a wry smile. It was ironic, in a way, that he should have fallen in love with Jack Harkness. Ironic -- and painful.

He supposed that he would get over Jack someday, that he would find someone else to be his companion, to amuse him, to share certain aspects of his life with. But would that person be a lover in the same way that Jack had been? Emphatically not.

One thing was certain -- he didn't want that kind of relationship with a companion again. Jack hadn't been the first, but he would be the last. Jack had been the first person he'd given himself to in every way, hearts and soul -- and the first who had crushed those hearts in his hand.

He wasn't going to let anyone crush his spirit again in the way Jack had done, he vowed to himself. That was the first and last time he would let himself feel like that about a lover; he'd rather go for the rest of his life without feeling another touch than have that kind of pain engulf him again.

There would be new companions in his life, people who he would be fond of and be friendly with. He would be loyal to them as a friend; he would care about them, and they would comfort him and amuse him when he needed it. But his emotions would never go further than that.

There would never be another Jack in his life.

He would never let anyone be that close to him again, never give anyone that much of his hearts. Because, as much as he hated to admit it, Jack still owned those hearts. He still held them in the palm of his hand; he could still command whatever he wanted from them.

Sighing, the Doctor got to his feet, moving slowly towards the console. He would find another companion at some point; he was sure of that. And he would make sure that they were someone who could amuse him -- but he would also make sure that he wasn't attracted to them in any way.

He couldn't take the risk of feeling that kind of pain again. He couldn't let anyone else be the next Jack Harkness in his life. He'd learned his lesson in that respect. One of those was enough -- and he knew that the one he'd had was irreplaceable.

***