Title: Locked Out
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: gen
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 50_darkfics
Prompt: 95, Need
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

***

There were times when he wondered if he knew what he really needed.

He'd always thought that he needed companionship, but somehow, when he had a companion, that wasn't enough. Maybe it was because the ones he chose weren't people who could give him the sort of companionship he craved.

That was his own fault, of course. Most of the people who'd been his companions had been his own choices, people who he'd invited into the Tardis and allowed to share that life. They hadn't forced themselves on him as unwanted guests.

All right, so a few of them had. But he'd come to care for each and every one of them, in a way. Even the ones who annoyed him had been friends. He cared for all of his them as friends; no one could ever deny that.

But he needed more than a friend. He needed someone who was going to be a part of him as more than merely a friend, much more. He'd known all along what he was looking for; but he hadn't let himself find it. He'd held himself back.

He hadn't wanted any of the people who'd traveled with him, not in that way. The only one had been Jack -- and that certainly hadn't turned out the way he'd wanted it to.

Maybe it was best that Jack had left when he had; otherwise, there would have been a great deal of strain between them, and their relationship would have ended with them walking away from each other forever. It hadn't; they were still friends.

Friends. Always that, never anything more. The Doctor sighed, leaning his head back against the soft cushions of the couch and closing his eyes. He hadn't wanted to be more than friends with any of his companions. But he needed more.

He needed a lover, not just a friend. Why couldn't he admit that to himself? The time that he and Jack had been together had been the happiest period of his long life; but he couldn't get that back. Jack had made his choice, and he had to respect that choice.

It wouldn't be fair to ask Jack to come back to him. The immortal had his own life to live -- but it seemed so monstrously unfair that the one person who could give him forever was the one who chose not to be with him.

And, if he was honest, the one person who he truly loved. Oh, there had been others. He hadn't reached his age without having given his hearts away a few times.

But Jack had been different. Jack had reached into a part of him that no one else had ever touched, a part that he'd always kept hidden. Yet the other man had been able to find that, to draw it out, to make him feel as though he could let his innermost feelings show.

Had it been a mistake? No. He wasn't going to think like that. Having those emotions out there in plain sight hadn't been a bad thing; if he hadn't found the courage to open up like that, then he'd never have had Jack for the short time they were together.

Of course, he'd been terrified to face those emotions at first. He was so used to keeping them locked away, even to denying that they existed. But Jack had managed to bring them out, and now that they were -- he couldn't make himself push them back down again.

No one would ever replace what he'd had with Jack. That wasn't possible. He couldn't spend his time looking for that, because one person could never "replace" another. Everyone had their own unique spark, and Jack was certainly unique.

Should he even bother trying? Or should he just accept the fact that he was essentially alone, even when he had a companion traveling with him?

The Doctor almost snorted at the thought, shaking his head as though to clear it. Look for a lover? That was a ridiculous suggestion. He'd never been the type to do something like that. It was such a .... human thing to do, or even to think of.

Besides, he didn't particularly fancy throwing his hearts into the arena to be torn to bits. No, it was far easier to keep them protected, to be sure that he didn't let anyone in until he was ready to. If he never had another lover, it didn't really matter.

Emotional attachments were fine. It was easy to care for someone as a friend; he had friends in every corner of the galaxy, really. They could compensate for not having one person in his life who occupied a special place in his affections.

So many people would think that his companion of the moment occupied that position -- but aside from Jack, that had never been true. He'd never felt a sexual pull towards any of them, though he knew there had been several who had wanted things to go in that direction.

He'd actually felt sorry for them; he'd known that he couldn't feel the way they wanted him to, and he'd even suffered a bit of guilt over that. But that wasn't his fault. He couldn't force his feelings to lean in a particular direction.

And now .... now, he was alone, and wishing that he wasn't. He really should try to find someone who could at least travel with him as a friend, to assuage the loneliness.

That wasn't as easy to do as it might seem. It took a special kind of person to actually want the sort of life he led -- he couldn't just pick up anyone who seemed likely. He'd found that out before, too. He wouldn't make the same mistakes again.

Still .... companions seemed to come to him at the unlikeliest of times, and in odd situations. He might not be planning to look for one, but there was always the possibility that someone would fall into his sphere of being who would seem .... right.

And they would be, for a while. He'd be friends with them, they'd talk to him, he'd learn to trust them. They would take the edge away from the constant loneliness he felt, talking to him, being there for him, being his friend.

But they would never completely ease that gnawing ache inside him. That wasn't going to happen until he found someone else like Jack -- someone who would be able to stay with him and not make him think of the time in the future when they wouldn't be there.

Was that what he needed? Someone who could devote their lives to him? He didn't know. He only knew that there was a need in him that had never really been fulfilled. There were times when it had been temporarily assuaged, but never completely.

How could he fill that need? Was there even any way of doing it? Another thing that he didn't know -- and more than likely never would.

Maybe it would always be like this. Maybe he would always feel that gnawing need inside him, a need that he would never find a way to fulfill. But that was part and parcel of what he was, wasn't it? He'd never expected being a Time Lord to be easy.

And it never had been. All sorts of responsibilities came with that, and he'd accepted them all. Maybe it was time that he learned to accept being lonely as part of it, and not to wish for more than than what he was granted.

He could have companions. He could have friends. But he'd never be able to fill that aching void, that need that had settled deep within him and wouldn't go away. He'd just have to resign himself to knowing that it would always be there.

The Doctor sighed again, getting to his feet and running a hand through his hair. Sitting here thinking about what he needed wouldn't do him any good. That wasn't what he should be concentrating on, not now.

No, he needed to think about where he was going to go next, what he was going to do. He could sublimate those needs with actions; he'd done that often enough in his life. In fact, that was what his life had been about since he'd been in this body.

He'd done that once, he could do it again. Turning towards the doorway, he made his way out of the room he was in, heading for the control room of the Tardis. It was past time for that sublimation to begin in earnest, until those needs were locked out.

***