Title: The Meaning of Love
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Ten.5
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 4
Prompt: 28, Angry
Author's Note: Spoilers for Journey's End, somewhat. This is an completely alternate take on the ending of Season Four.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor, or his human clone. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor paced around the control room of the Tardis, getting angrier with each step. All he had to do was look at the psychic paper to work himself up into even more of a temper than he was already in. The nerve of the man! Ordering him to do something, as though the Doctor was his subordinate.

Well, he wasn't going to do it. Jack Harkness could stamp his foot and point and spew orders all he wanted -- he couldn't make the Doctor bring his human counterpart back to Earth and give him away. He'd made his decision, and he wasn't going to change his mind.

Hadn't he expected this when he'd first taken his human self off with him? He'd known that so many people were going to tell him that he'd made the wrong decision, that he couldn't keep his clone with him, that they didn't belong together. Everyone seemed to think that the man he loved should be with some whiny little brat who was incapable of real love.

The Doctor snorted at the thought. Oh, yes, she'd claimed to love him. But when he'd thought he was going to regenerate, had any of her concerns been for him? No, indeed not. All she'd been able to think about was herself, and what she wanted from him. It had always been that way, the entire time she'd been traveling with him while he was in this body.

Apparently, she still wanted him. Wanted, not loved. There was a huge difference between the two words -- and the Doctor knew that difference all too acutely. He wasn't going to condemn his human self to a life with someone who didn't love him, but who only wanted him -- apparently because of the way he looked more than anything else.

What would happen when his clone started to age, and he wasn't as young and handsome as he was now? She would turn away from him in disgust, go her own way to find someone who fit her immediate needs and was more to her taste. He would never force the man he loved to live that kind of a life; no one deserved that.

And he loved his human self. It didn't matter that they looked exactly alike, that they were a part of each other. It didn't matter that people might say he'd fallen in love with himself, or what they would whisper behind his back. He was used to that; people had been talking behind his back about his strangeness since he was a child on Gallifrey.

No, he wasn't going to condemn anyone he loved to a life that they'd emphatically said they didn't want. If his human self had given one indication that his heart didn't rest with the Doctor, then he would have taken the other man back to Earth, and let him go to whatever destiny he chose.

But that wasn't the case. The human Doctor had said that he was where he wanted to be -- with the person he most wanted to be with. They'd formed a bond that was stronger than anything the Doctor had ever known before, and he wasn't ready to give that up. He was absolutely positive that his human self didn't want to let their relationship go, either.

And now, here was Jack, insisting that he had to bring the other Doctor back and surrender him, that he "couldn't keep him" because it was "wrong" for them to be together! That was all very well and good for Jack to say, the Doctor told himself, his small fists clenching at his sides. He'd never been in love. Not like this. He didn't know the meaning of this kind of love.

And he'd never been responsible for someone's well-being in the way he was responsible for his clone. He had enough to cope with, having the mind of a Time Lord in an all-too-human body, without being abandoned to the questionable mercies of someone who wasn't mature enough to even conceive of the kind of love they shared, much less actually feel it.

He wanted to scream, to batter his fists against the walls of the Tardis, the console, even the floor, until they were bruised and aching. He wanted to hit something, to take out his anger on some object that couldn't fight back. Most of all, he wanted to slam his fist into Jack's face, as much for thinking that he could give the Time Lord orders as for what those orders were.

He wasn't going back to Earth. He didn't have to obey Jack's summons. He wasn't some sort of dog that had to come when it was called, and he wasn't going to give Jack the opportunity of thinking that he had any sort of control over what the Doctor did. For once, he was going to do what he wanted, rather than what everyone else thought he should do.

It wasn't interfering with anyone's personal timeline to keep his clone with him. Well, perhaps his own -- but if something unforeseen happened, he would deal with it in the future. For the first time in his long, long life, he was going to be selfish and do something for himself for a change. It was time that he took some happiness, rather than always giving it away.

And he was happy. They'd been travelling in space and time for less than two weeks, and he'd never been as happy in all of his lives as he'd been in that time. That happiness was due to being with the man he loved, and if anyone thought that what the two of them had together was wrong, well .... they could .... look the other way.

No one was going to take this away from him. He'd given up too much before .... Giac .... others in the past .... even his relationship with Jack, something that he'd thought was going to last forever. Strange that they were now at odds much more than they seemed to agree on anything.

His eyes narrowed as a thought occurred to him. Was that why Jack was so dominant with him? Was he trying to somehow re-establish something that had been dead and gone for a long time now? If he was, he was too late. Far too late. The Doctor had moved on, and it was time that he did the same -- if that was the case.

Maybe Jack was jealous of his human self. The Doctor's eyes widened as he considered the thought, then pushed it away. Maybe there was some form of jealousy there, but he was sure that Jack had long ago accepted the end of their physical relationship. It couldn't be jealousy that was making the other man insist that he surrender his lover.

He'd probably talked to her -- and she'd wailed and whined and convinced Jack that she was sincere when she said she "loved" the Doctor. Of course she didn't love him -- she'd been looking for a father figure, not a lover, and he'd only been looking for a friend. And she'd always resented the fact that he didn't fancy women.

Taking the man he loved away from him would be her way of "punishing" him for what she saw as his refusal to give her what she wanted -- and she thought that she would also have something of him in the bargain. Well, it wasn't going to happen. He'd told her that she would never have him in that way, and if she couldn't accept it, then that was her problem.

He leaned over the console of the Tardis, clenching his fist and trying to keep himself from pounding at the metal. It wouldn't do him -- or the Tardis -- any good; all it would accomplish was bruising his hand, and more than likely breaking a few bones while he was at it. He'd long ago learned the folly of that sort of emotional reaction.

What he really wanted to do was sink to the floor, rest his head in his hands, and have a good cry. He'd known that no one would approve of the decision he'd made; he'd had more than enough time to think about that, and to evaluate whether that was something he could live with. And no matter how much he contemplated the pros and cons, he knew that he'd made the same decision again.

He loved the other Doctor. He felt in his hearts that they were meant to be, that this man had been created for him, and for no one else. A part of himself, yes, but a part that he couldn't push away from him, even if he'd wanted to.

There was nothing anyone could say that would change his mind about the way things had worked out. He wasn't going to go back in time and reverse what he'd done, and he wasn't going to take his clone back to Earth and give him over to a life that he didn't want. He was going to do what would make the two of them happy -- not other people who, in the end, had no say in their lives.

The one regret he had in all this was that he would lose the respect -- and possibly the friendship -- of people who he cared about. Was the companionship and love of his human self enough to compensate him for that? If he was honest with himself, it was a hard choice to make. But in the end, he would still have done the same thing.

Why couldn't people understand how they felt about each other? Why did everyone seem to think they were so wrong? Maybe he didn't deserve his human self; maybe the other man deserved more than what the Doctor could give him. But he'd said repeatedly that he didn't want to be anywhere else -- or with anyone else. And the Doctor wouldn't go against his wishes.

He hadn't heard his human self enter the control room, or walk up behind him. The Doctor gasped when he felt strong arms encircling his waist, straightening up and trying to turn around. When he realized that it was his clone -- of course it was; who else could it be? he asked himself silently -- he relaxed and closed his eyes, his body sagging against the other man's chest.

"You're worrying too much about things that can't be helped," the human Doctor murmured into his ear, stroking his hair back from his face. "Jack can bully and order you around all he wants to, but you aren't answerable to him, and he knows it. This isn't something that concerns him -- it's between you and me, and it's up to us to decide what we want."

It was still a bit disconcerting to realize that his human self was so connected with him that he could literally tell what he was thinking; it would never cease to amaze him that he had such a connection with another being. Even his bond with the Tardis wasn't this strong -- and it had been so easy to fall into harmony with the other man. Just more proof that what he'd done was right.

The Doctor turned in the other man's arms, until he was facing his lover and could slide his arms around the human Doctor's waist. "I know you're right," he whispered, his dark eyes meeting the other man's and holding his gaze. "There are just .... so many factors against us."

"That doesn't matter," his human self replied, raising a hand to cup his cheek. "All that matters is how we feel -- it's not like I belong anywhere, Doctor. You don't owe it to anyone to 'return' me, no matter what Jack and his team might think. It's not anyone else's decision to decide where I belong, or what becomes of me. It's mine -- and by extension, yours."

He sighed, nodding and pulling his human self closer against him. "You're right .... Jack can't tell me what I should do, and I'm not going to let him. There are times when I think you'd be better off somewhere safer than being out here with me -- but that's up to you, love. I'm not going to tell you what you should do. You have to make your own choices."

"And I choose to be with you," the human Doctor said softly, leaning forward to press his lips against the Time Lord's mouth. When he pulled away, the Doctor could see fear in those dark eyes, feel the other man trembling slightly in his arms. "You do want me here, don't you?" he asked, his voice tremulous and uncertain.

The Doctor pulled the other man against him in a fierce embrace, closing his eyes and fighting back the tears that rose to his eyes at those words. "Of course I want you with me. I don't want us to be parted, in any way. I know it's inevitable someday -- you're human, you don't have forever to give me. But until that time comes .... I wouldn't give you up, not for any reason."

"I can't go with her," his human self whispered, sounding near tears. "I know that's what everyone expects me to do .... but I don't love her. I love you. I belong with you, no one else. I don't want to go back to Earth and be taken away from you, Doctor. I couldn't bear that. I'd rather be dead than be separated from you."

"Shhh, love. No one's going to take you away from me," the Doctor soothed, moving his hands up the other man's back and pulling him closer. "I won't let anyone part us, I promise. And you aren't to talk about dying, do you understand me? I want you with me for a long time to come -- death isn't something that either of us should be thinking about."

The other Doctor nodded, raising his head from the Time Lord's shoulder and wiping at his eyes. "I know you won't take me back -- I've known it since we first left. But I can't help worrying about it .... sometimes I feel that you would be so much better off without me."

"Don't ever think that," the Doctor whispered, taking the other man's face between his hands and forcing the human Doctor to meet his eyes. "I would not be better off without you. If you weren't here with me, I would be more lonely than I've ever been. I'd be wandering the universe with no one to be with me -- and no one to care. Definitely not better off."

"You know that I'll always be here," the human Doctor said softly, his eyes fixed on the Time Lord's face, their gazes holding steady. "Maybe not always .... but for as long as I can possibly be. You gave me life, Doctor -- and I'm willingly giving that life to you. I can't help thinking that this is why I was 'born' -- to be with you, to be the companion you've always needed."

"The one who won't leave," the Doctor murmured, nodding in agreement. "I've thought that, too. That's why you were created -- why I didn't regenerate. We were meant for each other, in every way. And anyone who doesn't see that is wrong. It may be a selfish way to look at things -- but I can be a selfish man. When I want to be."

"Let yourself be selfish," the human Doctor told him, sliding his arms around the Doctor's waist. "You don't do that nearly enough."

"I know I don't," the Doctor agreed, pulling the other man close against him. He could feel his earlier anger melting away, disappearing as though it had never existed. What was it about his human self that could calm him and make him feel that all was right with the world? Just another indication that they belonged with each other, he thought with an inner smile.

Jack would more than likely be angry that his summons had been ignored, but for once, he didn't care. This wasn't Jack's life to live -- and he'd given up any semblance of control he had over the Doctor when he'd walked out of the Tardis and taken up the threads of a life of his own. This wasn't his decision to make. He had nothing to do with it.

It was their decision -- his, and his human self. This was their future, their life together. If he was infringing on anyone else's happiness, that was too bad -- but he'd lived with his own loneliness for long enough. It was past time that he reached out and took his own happiness.

"Feeling better?" his lover asked softly, leaning towards him and brushing gentle lips across his mouth. The Doctor wanted nothing more than to melt into that soft kiss, to let himself be swept away and forget that there was anything else in the universe other than the two of them. And it looked as though he was going to be given that chance.

"Of course," he answered, his voice low and husky. His human self gave him an answering smile, raising his brows in a silent question. Moving as one, the two men headed towards the door that led down the short corridor to their bedroom, each of them knowing that they probably wouldn't emerge from that room for quite a while to come.

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