Title: Swallow My Pride
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: gen
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 3, 10_hurt_comfort
Prompt: 4, Don't Hurt Me
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

***

How many times had he been hurt over the course of his life? The Doctor frowned, leaning forward against the console to prop his chin in his hand as he thought back over all the long centuries. Too many times to count, really.

Not just physical pain -- that was something that he was quite used to experiencing, even though it wasn't something he liked to deal with. But he'd grown accustomed to it, especially when he threw himself into situations that could prove to be dangerous.

No, the pain he'd been thinking of was the emotional duress that he suffered when his companions made the decision to leave him -- or were somehow taken from him. That was the kind of pain that cut deep into his soul, a pain that he'd rather be without.

It wasn't their fault, of course. He couldn't blame any companion for wanting to pick up the threads of a life they'd left behind; he would probably want to do the same if he was in their place. But that didn't make their leaving hurt any less.

The greatest emotional distress of all had been when Jack had left him -- turning to leave without a backward glance, saying his goodbyes with a smile and a wave.

The Doctor had done the same, not daring to reveal the pain that seemed to have settled in his chest directly over his heart. He hadn't wanted to let Jack see just how badly he'd been hurt -- not that it would have made any difference in the long run.

Jack would still have left. He'd done what he felt was best for himself, and the Doctor hadn't been able to hold him back from that. Everyone had a right to make their own choices, and if Jack wanted a life without him, then that was what he would have.

Begging his lover to stay with him wouldn't have done anything for either of them. Jack might have been persuaded to stay, but he would have eventually wanted to leave again -- and they would have grown apart. Resentment would have seen to that.

Maybe it was for the best that Jack had left -- and that he had let the immortal go. But that didn't stop him from wanting to scream out against the pain of yet another abandonment, yet another person who had turned their backs on him and gone off to another life that he wasn't a part of.

Everyone had the right to live their own life, that was true. But when was it going to be his turn to life the life he wanted to have?

A life that didn't involve him inwardly begging the people who chose to stay with him for a short time not to hurt him, even though he never said the words aloud. A life where he could feel safe and secure, where he could know that he wouldn't eventually be alone again.

The Doctor almost snorted aloud at the thought. That simply wasn't going to happen. Hadn't he gotten used to the idea of being alone yet? After all, he'd spent a great deal of his life, in many different bodies, without a companion, and he'd gotten along just fine.

No, he hadn't. Not really. Yes, he'd certainly been able to function, and there had been times when he had actually been glad not to have anyone with him to become embroil in the difficult situations he'd managed to end up being in. He could get along well on his own.

But it was a lonely life, and not one he particularly enjoyed. He was tired of seeing amazing sights, of being able to visit places that most people could only dream of, and to have no one to share it with, no one to take in the wonder of the universe along with him.

That person didn't necessarily have to be a lover. He'd proven that to himself time and time again, by choosing companions that he had no sort of sexual interest in and never would.

Though he certainly couldn't deny that having a companion who was also a lover was his preferred way of living, he told himself, heaving a deep sigh. Again, his thoughts went back to Jack, and all that the immortal had meant to him during their brief time together.

If he had said those words before Jack walked away, simply stated, "Don't hurt me," would it have made his lover turn around? He didn't think so. Maybe for a few moments, long enough for him to see if there had been any regrets in Jack's eyes.

He didn't think so. Even if Jack had known how much he was hurting the one he claimed to love, the knowledge of the pain he was causing wouldn't have made him change his mind. He would still have done what he felt that he needed to do.

"Don't hurt me." Words that he wished he would have said to every person who'd left him, words that it was far too late to say after that hurt had sunk into his soul. Words that he hadn't been able to say when he should have; they'd always stuck in his throat and refused to come out.

And where had not saying those words gotten him? He heaved another sigh, closing his eyes. Right where he was. Travelling the galaxy alone.

Was that really so bad? In some ways, he was probably better off without a companion; they always left him eventually, and that was a pain he could do without. At least if he had no one with him, there was no one there to hurt him when he least expected it.

But if there was no one there to hurt him, then there was also no one there to make him smile, no one to share his life with. No one to show the wonders of the universe, no one to laugh with, to cry with, to tell jokes with. No one to keep him company.

Maybe he should have said those three little words to some of his companions. Maybe if he had, they would still be here -- or at least they would have stayed longer. Maybe they would have realized that they would rather be here than go back to their other lives.

But would that really have done any good? The Doctor shook his head, a frown marring his brow. Yes, maybe those companions would have stayed with him longer -- but they would have eventually left. And having them with him longer would have only made the pain greater when they finally turned away.

It was best not to look back on the past and wonder about what might have been. With a final sigh, he pushed himself away from the console, shaking his head as though to chase the disturbing thoughts away and push them into the back of his mind.

He would more than likely never say those words to anyone. He had been too proud to say them to the man he loved, and he'd certainly never say them to any future companion. He had far too much pride for that -- pride that he'd never bring himself to swallow, even if it meant being hurt again.

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