Title: Not An Option
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: past Doctor/Jack
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG
Table: 50ficlets
Prompt: 26, Denial
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

***

How long could he keep denying what he was? When would he be able to talk about himself and his life openly and truthfully with people he met and liked?

The Doctor sighed, shaking his head at the thought. He couldn't reveal what he was to people who he didn't know well, no matter how well he got along with them or much he liked them. It wasn't safe to do so; he'd found that out enough times in the past.

Of course, there had been times when he'd had to reveal what he was. But that had been in situations that weren't within his control, and it wasn't something he would choose to do more often than he had to.

Some of the people he'd revealed himself to had ended up becoming treasured friends, people that he would risk his life for. But others .... there were some who he wished didn't know that particular secret, and some who had simply forgotten it.

And then there were those who didn't care who or what he was, he thought with a wry smile. Those were the ones he'd probably liked the most.

Really, the people who didn't seem to care about what he was one way or the other were the people he'd like to have in his life. The people who could accept him for himself, without stepping away from him in astonishment or fear, or expecting him to be something he wasn't.

He never had to deny what he was to them. They would accept him easily -- and he could feel a sort of kinship with them, at least for a while. Then, when he was gone from their lives, they would shrug him off, forget him as though he'd never been there.

That was the down side to those kinds of friends. Yes, they might be there when the chips were down and he needed them the most -- but there was no guarantee that they would ever be there for him again if he should need them in the future.

Why should he need those people, need their friendship and their acceptance? Maybe he was in denial of more than just what he was.

He was in denial to himself -- denial that he needed to be accepted, that he needed to feel some kind of companionship that lasted for more than the time it took to get out of a dangerous or uncomfortable situation.

The Doctor sighed softly, resting his elbows on the Tardis' console and closing his eyes. He might as well admit it; he'd spent his entire life denying that he needed that sort of acceptance. It was easier to pretend that he could get along just as well without it.

But that wasn't true -- and he'd known it all his life, whether he wanted to admit it or not.

The truth was, he did need to be accepted. He craved the companionship that could only be given when he was open and honest about what he was, with no holding back. A companionship that few people had been willing to give.

He was never going to have that acceptance fully and completely. Even the companions who had said that they wanted to spend their lives with him had eventually turned and walked away, going back to the lives they'd had before he'd barreled into them.

Unless he could bring himself to reveal more about himself and who he was, there would always be a hesitation on the part of others to completely accept him.

That was a fact of his life, one that he would have to get used to. The Doctor allowed himself another wry smile at the thought. If he hadn't been able to accustom himself to hiding behind barriers ever since he'd become a Time Lord, he doubted that he ever would.

He hated having to live with that kind of denial -- denying his complete openness and trust to the people he chose to have in his life, and denying to himself that he chose to do it. Really, it was a choice. Not a necessity.

There were times when he hated himself for making that choice. But how was he to know when it would be right to reveal everything about himself? He'd never been able to do it, not in over 900 years. And he was sure that he wasn't going to start now.

Could he live with that denial? The Doctor gave a mental shrug, straightening up from where he'd been leaning on the console.

He would have to live with it, wouldn't he? There wasn't another option open to him.

No options, he told himself, taking a deep breath. He'd made the decision to keep most of the personal details of his life to himself. He wasn't comfortable with revealing them to anyone -- not even to the people closest to him.

Denying himself the ability to open up completely to others was a part of him. One that he wasn't ready to discard. That denial kept him protected -- and isolated within a part of himself that he knew in his hearts he would never break out of.

***