Title: On the Other Side
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: gen
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG
Table: 100moods
Prompt: 37, Envious
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

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This was utterly ridiculous, the Doctor told himself, scowling at the console of the Tardis. He had no reason to feel this way, not really. He'd chosen this life; he'd wanted to be a Time Lord since he was a child on Gallifrey. And he wouldn't change what he was.

Then why did he feel such a flare of envy when he thought of his past companions, all the ones who had left him of their own choice? Why did he wish that he, too, had a life that didn't include traveling through the universe, with no one place to call his home?

When Gallifrey had still existed, things had been different. He'd always known that he could go back to his his home planet -- even though, truth be told, he wasn't exactly accepted there, much more than he would be on Earth if his origins were widely known.

He almost snorted at that thought. Who was he kidding? If humans knew what he was, then they would want to lock him up and "study" him. No doubt about that.

Their attitude towards alien life really was ridiculous, he mused, his thoughts sidetracked for a few moments. If they were to be believed, they were the most intelligent and advanced form of life in the galaxy. He still found it hard to fathom that humans could think that.

But that was one of the things he loved about them, he told himself, a small smile tugging at his lips. The fact that they were .... so childlike, in a way, naively believing that they were the most important thing in the entire universe. Only humans would think like that -- well, all right, maybe not. There were other races who had the same ideas.

Only those other races were more ruthless in pushing their beliefs onto the rest of the world -- and that was one of the reasons he was here, being what he was. Protecting the universe from those races, making sure that they didn't become too powerful.

Still, that didn't stop him from being envious of what humans had at times, the Doctor told himself, reverting to his former line of thought. All of his companions had lives to go back to, families, friends who cared about them.

He had none of that. Oh, of course he had friends. There were people in the world who cared about him -- but he was more than aware that many of those friendships were ephemeral. He had no doubt that the friendly feelings towards him could change in the blink of an eye.

Maybe they wouldn't -- that remained to be seen. But he hesitated to put a lot of those friendships to the test, until the day came when he had to do so.

It was hard not to wish that he had a home, a place where he could go and know that he actually belonged there. The strange thing was, he'd never felt that way when he'd gone back to Gallifrey in the past, though it was his home planet.

He'd always been an outcast, even among his own people. Yes, he'd been accepted in certain circles, in a way, because he was a Time Lord. But there were many more who'd turned their backs on him, making him feel that he was homeless long before he actually was.

It was wrong of him to feel envious, he knew. His companions had made it clear when they'd first begun traveling with him that they had lives separate from being with him; he'd had no right to expect any of them to stay forever.

Even the ones that would have liked to had been forced to leave in some way. But he had no doubt that they would have eventually chosen to leave as well, when they discovered that he couldn't have given them what they wanted in the end. They always wanted too much from him -- too much that involved him emotions and his hearts.

He couldn't give that part of himself away, not to anyone. He'd done it before, and he wasn't going to risk it again. He loved all of his companions -- but as friends, as family, not as lovers. Never in that way. It just wasn't meant to happen, and it wasn't going to.

Most of them hadn't been able to see that. They'd blindly thought they could make him love them in a different way than he did -- and they'd all been doomed to disappointment.

Not that he wouldn't like to have that sort of love in his life someday, he thought wistfully, again feeling that twinge of envy run through him. His companions could all have that. They could go back to their lives and find someone to fulfill that part of them.

He never could. He was destined to be alone -- and he'd thought that he had managed to accept that fact. After all, it was one of the many sacrifices he'd had to make in order to become what he was. He'd thought for centuries that it was a fair trade.

It wasn't until he'd gotten into the habit of taking on humans as companions that he'd started to wish for something more. Not with his companions -- he didn't think of them in that way -- but the chance to find someone to fill that empty space in his hearts.

Pushing away that need wasn't easy. It had been when he was younger, because he'd felt that he still had so much time ahead of him that he could look to that side of himself later. It had taken him a very long time to realize that he'd always be turning his back on that need.

If only he didn't have to do that. If only he could allow himself to settle somewhere permanently, to give his hearts to one special person, to make a home for himself that wasn't a blue police box traveling through time and space.

But he couldn't. He'd never be able to do that. The Doctor sighed, straightening up and looking around the control room of the Tardis. He'd turned his back on the life that could have been his when he'd become a Time Lord. And if he was completely honest with himself, he had no wish to change what he was. Not even if he could.

This life wasn't perfect. It never would be. But it was the life had chosen, the life he'd always wanted for himself, ever since he was old enough to know what being a Time Lord was about. He wouldn't give up that life, even if it wasn't an easy road at times.

Doing that would be denying himself, denying what he was and what he'd always wanted to be. He couldn't do that to himself -- or to the world that depended on him.

His responsibilities had never been easy to live with. Some of them sat easily upon his shoulders, and some of them weighed on him more and more with the passing years, the passing centuries. But he still carried them, regardless of the burden.

He always would. He was a Time Lord. The last of his kind.

Yes, he might feel a bit of envy at times for what others had that he could never achieve. But he was something that many of them could never understand, and that no one else in the galaxy could be. He'd taken that on himself.

Other people would always have things he could never allow himself. He had to get used to that -- and get used to feeling wistful when he thought about those things. But what he had, what he was, couldn't be tossed away or pushed to the side.

He'd always wonder what it was like to be on the other side, to have the life that he'd always dreamed about but had known would never be his. Though even if he had the choice, he might have serious doubts about taking it.

Besides, traveling in time and space and saving the universe wasn't that bad a life, was it? He smiled as he looked around him, before bending over the console again and punching a few buttons to take him to whatever his next destination might be.

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