Title: Pale Shadow
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Ten.5
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1, fanfic50
Prompt: 43, Redo
Author's Note: The human version of the Doctor is being referred to as John Smith in this fic, since it's the Doctor's human alias and his clone needed a name.
Author's Note: Spoilers for Journey's End, somewhat. This is an completely alternate take on the ending of Season Four.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor, or his human clone. Please do not sue.

***

Jamie sighed as he leaned against the door frame of the Tardis, staring out at the vista in front of him. He would never quite get used to the fact that he was human, and this this was the planet where he should feel that he belonged.

Yes, he did feel a certain kinship towards Earth. It was, after all, the place where most humans lived, and where they'd first come into being. There was a part of who he was that was tied to this planet, even though he'd never feel that it was his home.

No, he could only feel that Gallifrey was where he truly belonged, even though he himself had never actually been there when the planet existed. But it was there, in his mind, in the memories that he shared with the Doctor. It would always be a part of him.

It was so hard to reconcile himself to being what he was -- and to knowing that he would have a far shorter life span than the man he loved. Why had fate chosen to give him a frail human body? Why couldn't he have been a true Time Lord?

If he was an actual Time Lord, instead of being merely a Time Lord brain trapped in a human body, then he would feel more worthy of the Doctor. He would feel as though he could be the equal of the man he loved, rather than just a pale shadow, a cheap imitation.

The Doctor didn't view him in that way, of course. But Jamie couldn't help hearing those words echo in his head every time he looked in the mirror; he couldn't see himself as being in the Doctor's league, not with a human body and only one heart.

And yet .... if he had to redo everything over again, wouldn't he want it all to happen in the same way? There had been unpleasant aspects of the situation he'd been in when he first came into being, but that had worked itself out, hadn't it?

The other bad situation that he'd been caught in -- well, that didn't bear thinking about it. He'd rather not have had to go through that kind of pain, but it was over, and the two of them had leapt over the abyss it had begun to create between them.

He was where he wanted to be, and he knew that the Doctor would never send him away. He would be here, by the Time Lord's side, for the rest of the ridiculously short life span he would have. The Doctor had promised him that, and he trusted his lover implicitly.

The Doctor wanted him here. He would never willingly send Jamie away; he'd said over and over that it would be easier for him to rip both of his hearts out of his body than to part with the person he loved. Jamie knew those words were true. He could feel the Doctor's sincerity.

But that didn't make him stop wishing that he wasn't stuck in a body that was all too frail, that didn't have a span of centuries that would allow him to be with the Doctor forever. If only there was a possibility that it could happen, he'd be the happiest man in the universe.

If he could redo that time when he had first come into being and make himself a true Time Lord, what would he have had to change? How could it be that the regenerative energy pouring into the Doctor's severed hand had spawned a .... a human?

It made sense, really, Jamie told himself with a sigh. The Doctor was half-human -- and since he had been in the first hours of his regeneration when his hand had been severed from his body, it was possible that it had more of his human side in it than Gallifreyan.

That was just his luck, wasn't it? But somehow, he'd inherited the Time Lord's extraordinary brain, and all of his memories. So he knew exactly what it was like to be a Time Lord, as compared to being a human -- and he knew exactly what he had lost.

He definitely hadn't gotten the better end of the bargain, Jamie thought wryly. There wasn't anything about being human that he wouldn't gladly give up to be Gallifreyan again -- no, just to be Gallifreyan, he corrected himself. Not again.

He couldn't say that, as he himself had technically been Gallifreyan before. He had the memories, the visions of what had been the Doctor's past on his home planet, but those memories didn't belong to him. They were a part of him -- and yet they weren't.

How could he be expected to reconcile himself to that? How could he resign himself to living out his life as merely being a pale shadow of the man he loved, always feeling that they shared a past, but that there would always be a barrier that he'd never break through?

If only it could be redone, and he could have two hearts and an infinite life span, he thought longingly. If only it could have been different from the beginning, then it would all be so much easier now. If only he was a different man, a different species ....

A thought occurred to him, so startlingly sudden that it made him gasp. If he was a different man -- would he still love the Doctor as fiercely as he did? Would he have been content to go away with that spoilt, selfish brat, and live out his life with her? Would he have forsaken the man who loved him?

Jamie shook his head, closing his eyes against the threat of imminent tears. No. No. He'd never have done that. No matter if he had been a true Time Lord, instead of a human with the memories of one, he would never, never have left the Doctor for anyone else.

The time that he'd already been with the Doctor had brought the two of them a lot of surprises, Jamie mused, holding back yet another soft sigh. What would the coming year bring? How many more problems would be thrown into their path?

He really shouldn't think like that, he told himself sternly. There were enough buried emotions that he and the Doctor had to deal with, things that they might not have an easy time resolving, without inviting even more problems to come forward and attack them.

If he could go back in time and redo all that had happened to bring him to that point, was there anything that he would change? Would he really make himself a true Time Lord, if it meant that somehow, his relationship with the man he loved might change?

Jamie bit his lip, knowing the answer to that question before his mind even put it into words. Of course he wouldn't. If redoing how he had come into being, or anything that had happened since then, would change what he shared with the Time Lord, then he would never do it.

His relationship with the Doctor was and always would be the most precious thing in his life. If that love between them were to be diminished in any way, nothing could make him feel that the change had been worthwhile. Even being a Time Lord wouldn't compensate.

Loving the Doctor was what made his life worth living. It was what made being in a human body bearable. Without that great love that buoyed up his life and made him feel that he had something worth living for, he would only have a bleak, empty existence.

Without that love in his life, he might has well have been banished to that alternate universe with a sulky, selfish child who he didn't love. He might as well have consigned himself to a life in hell, spent wishing that his short life span was even shorter.

No, he wouldn't change a thing, Jamie told himself, taking a deep breath and squaring his shoulders. He didn't need to be a full Time Lord. He could deal with this frail human body -- if being in it meant that he would have the Doctor's love for all of his life.

He might only be a pale shadow of the Doctor, but the Time Lord loved him exactly as he was. He didn't have to be more than human; all he had to be was himself. If that was good enough for the man he loved, then it would be good enough for him, as well.

What would the coming year bring for them? he asked himself as he turned to go back into the ship to find out where the Doctor was. He didn't know, but if it was anything like the time they'd already shared, he was sure that they would have a lot to look forward to.

***