Title: Place Your Hand
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Arthur Eddington
Fandom: Doctor Who/Einstein and Eddington
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1, fanfic50
Prompt: 6, Trust
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Arthur Eddington. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor looked toward the door of his bedroom, feeling his hearts constrict in his chest. Tonight was the night that he would go to Arthur and tell the other man who he truly was -- and hope that Arthur would believe him and accept that truth.

He wasn't sure just how he was going to tell Arthur that he was indeed John Smith -- that he had been John all along, but that they were two separate and distinct people, and the John that he'd known and loved no longer existed.

No, that wasn't entirely true, was it? He was John. John was alive, somewhere inside him. But he wasn't the person who Arthur had fallen in love with; it was the same body, but a different mind inside the man. He couldn't be John, and he didn't want to be.

He wanted Arthur to fall in love with him. He was fairly sure that it was happening, but he couldn't be sure if Arthur cared for him because he looked like the person he thought was his long-lost love, or because he loved the Doctor for himself.

Sighing, he sat down on the bed, looking down at the floor. This was going to be the hardest thing he'd ever had to do -- and it might cost him the man who he was falling in love with. Arthur might never forgive him for the deception he'd perpetrated.

He hadn't even told Arthur his real name. Oh, he'd told the other man that he was the Doctor -- but he'd also given the name Jack Harkness, which was going to cause problems. Why had had made that stupid blunder? He should slap himself for that one.

He didn't need to remember the name of a former lover when he was trying to cement a relationship with the man he loved now. Using Jack's name -- which wasn't even his real name -- had been a spur of the moment idea, and a very bad one.

But it was done now, and he couldn't change it. He would simply have to tell the absolute truth and admit to Arthur that he had taken someone else's name. That is, if Arthur could ever trust him again and gave him the time of day after he confessed about everything he'd done.

Was Arthur waiting for him across the hall, looking at the door in anticipation? Of course he was. He'd said this morning before they'd parted and he'd gone back to his room that he would be waiting, and that he would count the hours until tonight.

Well, now it was tonight -- and he wasn't ready to go into that room and tell Arthur the truth. How could he ask for the other man's complete trust, after all the untruths that he'd told? Arthur would have every right to be angry and tell him to leave.

He had to face this sometime, and it might as well be now. The Doctor got slowly to his feet, moving to the door and leaning his forehead against it for a moment before he turned the doorknob and left his room, going across the hall to stand in front of Arthur's door.

This was it. This night would either cement his relationship with Arthur, or force him to leave the other man behind forever. He could only hope that Arthur would be able to accept what he had to say, that he could take it all in and forgive the Doctor for his deceptions.

Taking a deep breath, he pushed the door open, turning before he looked at Arthur to close and lock it. He didn't want any of the confessions he had to make to possibly be overheard by anyone who might come in, even if it was only a servant.

Turning to face the man sitting on the bed, the Doctor could feel his hearts thumping faster in his chest at the look on Arthur's face. There was no doubt that this man loved him; he could see that love clearly in those dark eyes that followed his every movement.

He crossed the room to sit down on the bed beside Arthur, turning to the other man and taking those slender, elegant hands in his. What was he going to say? How could he begin to tell Arthur the truth about himself?

"Arthur ...." He gulped, took another deep breath, and started over. "I have to tell you some things that aren't going to be easy for me to say -- or for you to understand. I just ask you to trust me, love. Trust me, and believe me. Even if what I say seems incredible."

Arthur nodded, looking bewildered by the Doctor's words. "John ...." he began, then shook his head and corrected himself. "Jack, whatever you have to say, I'd believe. I trust you. I have since I first met you." There was no mistaking the sincerity in his voice.

"My name isn't Jack." The Doctor swallowed hard, knowing that this was only the first confession he'd have to make to Arthur tonight. "I'm called the Doctor. That's it. Just .... the Doctor. Jack Harkness is the name of a friend. I gave you that name on the spur of the moment."

"But why?" Arthur asked, his brow furrowed. "Why would you give us a false name? You're not in some sort of trouble with the law, are you? If you are, let us help. I don't believe that you could possibly have done something horrible."

"I haven't," the Doctor told him, his voice barely audible. "Not unless you count lying to you as being a horrible thing to do -- which it is." He raised his head, forcing himself to look into Arthur's eyes. "Before I tell you this, Arthur, I want you to understand that I don't want to hurt you."

"Hurt me?" Now Arthur was beginning to look alarmed, though he still didn't pull away from the Doctor. "The only way that you could hurt me is by saying that you don't want to be with me." He looked away, his voice trembling when he spoke again.

"That's it, isn't it? You've changed your mind. You don't want me." His voice broke on the last words; they sounded more like an anguished sob than actual words. "I should have known. Finding you was too good to be true. I knew it couldn't last."

"No!" The Doctor's voice was sharp, ringing out in the stillness of the room. "That's not it at all. Arthur, I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone. I love you. I want to be with you. I just .... I need to tell you some things, and I need you to trust me."

"I do trust you. I'm placing my trust in your hands." Arthur's eyes met his, their gazes locking. The Doctor could see the wounded look in the depths of those eyes; it broke his hearts to think that he was the person who had caused this man such great sadness.

"I told you that my name was Jack Harkness because I didn't think you would accept me in any other way," the Doctor said, the words coming out slowly, feeling his way along as he spoke. "And because I couldn't tell you who I really am."

"Then who are you?" Arthur asked, his voice soft. "Please tell me. I don't know if I should call you Jack, or John, or Doctor. Just tell me your name, and why you felt that you had to hide it. The fact that you hid your real name isn't going to change how I feel about you."

If only he could believe that, the Doctor told himself silently, blinking back tears as he listened. Arthur wouldn't feel the same about him once he knew who he actually was, he was sure. The fragile balance of their relationship would shift -- and it might collapse.

But .... he was asking Arthur to trust him. He was expecting Arthur to put that trust in his hands, and to believe that he wouldn't be betrayed. Shouldn't he be able to trust Arthur as well? Shouldn't be give the man he loved the same trust that he himself was asking for?

Yes, he should be able to do that. He should be able to place his hand in Arthur's with perfect love and trust. After all, that was what he himself was asking for; and if he couldn't give that trust, he had no right to expect it to be given back to him.

Besides, he would have to trust Arthur. He couldn't go on with this deception -- especially not after they became lovers. Arthur would know his body too well; he wouldn't be able to hide his identity once that body had been bared.

"I don't know if you'll find it easy to accept this," he began, searching for the right words to say what he needed to say. "It's going to be a shock to you, Arthur. I know that. And above all else, I want you to know that I have never, never meant to hurt you in any way."

"Just say it," Arthur whispered, his grip on the Doctor's hands tightening. "Whatever it is, I'll accept it. Just as I've accepted you. It's going to take a lot to make me walk away from you. I don't think I could, no matter what you have to tell me."

The Doctor hoped that Arthur's words were true. He didn't want to lose this man, not when they were on the brink of a relationship that he could see lasting for a long time to come. He'd never felt this strongly about anyone; he didn't want this to die before it had a chance to start.

He opened his mouth, but no words came out. He couldn't make himself say what he so desperately needed to tell Arthur; the words were stuck in his throat, jumbled within him, with no way of making themselves heard unless he could force himself to speak.

Finally, he looked down at their clasped hands, taking a deep breath to steady himself. He had to tell Arthur the truth. All of it. This man trusted him -- and he had to put his own trust in Arthur and in the love that was blossoming between them.

"Arthur," he said, his voice trembling with emotion. "Arthur, I .... I am John Smith."

***

Next story in series - A Different Man.