Title: Unsweetened Revenge
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Brendan Block
Fandom: Doctor Who/Secret Smile
Rating: PG-13
Table: "If you were" challenge, 5_prompts
Prompt: If you were a preacher I'd begin to change my ways
Warning: past non-con.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Brendan Block, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

Brendan leaned back against the softness of the couch cushions, closing his eyes and letting himself relax. No matter how much he tried to push the thoughts that had been circling his mind away, they kept returning with a vengeance to plague him.

He didn't want to think about the Master. He didn't want to brood on taking revenge; he'd done that in the past, and he knew from experience that thinking along such a path would only take him down a road that he would much rather avoid.

The Doctor had been trying to make him see that revenge wasn't the path for him to take ever since this had happened. And Brendan had to admit that his lover's words had some effect; he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he couldn't simply rush forward to take that vengeance.

He'd done that before, and he knew from experience that being vengeful could screw up his life. He didn't want that to happen again, not now when his life was happier than it had ever been. He didn't want to let anything come between himself and the Doctor.

But wasn't this coming between them? a voice in the back of his mind piped up in that annoying way that those voices of reason had. He was struggling to be what the Doctor wanted him to be -- no expected him to be -- and he was having a hard time with it.

The Doctor preached non-violence; Brendan knew that his lover hated guns, and wouldn't have one on the Tardis. Yet he had seen the Doctor kill; he'd done it to protect the universe, destroying in the name of the greater good, though he hadn't wanted to take those lives.

Brendan had seen how much the Doctor had regretted being the cause of any sort of violence; he wasn't the kind of man who would take revenge in the usual way. He would take his vengeance in a much less obvious way; it would be unsweetened, but no less satisfying.

He himself was a more physical, visceral sort of person. But since he'd been with the Time Lord, he had become much less so. He had never taken a life -- not that he knew of, anyway -- but he had never been the sort of person to turn away from physical confrontation.

As much as he'd been told that some of the things he'd said and done in his life had made other people take their own lives, Brendan didn't believe that. He felt guilty about some of his words and actions, but he didn't believe that he could have forced anyone into suicide.

What if he could do that to the Master? he thought, his mind focusing on that idea. Would he, if it was possible? That would be a way to exact his revenge, without actually laying a hand on the man who he hated and feared more than anyone else in the universe.

No, he wouldn't, he decided regretfully, after thinking about the issues for several long minutes. Not only because it wouldn't give him the closure and satisfaction he craved, but because the Doctor would never approve of something like that. He would consider it underhanded.

It amazed Brendan that more than anything else in the world, he wanted to keep the Doctor's respect. He knew that there was no way he could do that if he went down the path of revenge -- and no matter how badly he wanted that vengeance, he had to put those thoughts aside.

If the Doctor was a preacher urging him to change his ways from a pulpit, he couldn't have more of an effect than he did, Brendan thought with a rueful smile. The Time Lord had changed him in so many ways since they had been together, that sometimes he hardly recognized himself.

He had become a different man since he'd met the Doctor. Before the advent of the Time Lord in his life, he'd been much more selfish; he'd only thought of himself and what he wanted, rather than trying to please the person he was involved with in any way he could.

If he was completely honest with himself, he didn't much like the person he had been turning into when he had first met the Doctor. And he couldn't help wondering just why the Time Lord had been attracted to him, other than just his surface appearance.

But somehow, the Doctor had looked deeper than most people did. He had seen what Brendan could become; he'd seen a good person there underneath the surface. And since they had been a couple, Brendan had changed in ways that he wouldn't have dreamed of before.

No one had ever believed in him the way that the Doctor did, Brendan told himself. And it was more than likely that no one else ever would. No one on Earth would, certainly. But that didn't matter; the Doctor was the person whose opinion he really cared about.

Because he cared so much what his lover thought of him, he couldn't let himself become something that the Time Lord wouldn't want him to be. He had to turn his mind away from thoughts of revenge, no matter how hard it was for him to do so.

Brendan sighed, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. It was so hard to push aside those thoughts of wreaking vengeance on the Master for all that he'd suffered -- and not only that, but to take revenge for what the Doctor had suffered in the past, as well.

No. He couldn't do that. He had to keep to the path that the Doctor had started him on, and change his way of thinking. Revenge wasn't going to be sweet in this instance; it would only bring him down to the same low level that the Master resided on.

It wasn't going to be easy to give up those thoughts of revenge. But somehow, he had to make himself do it, if only for the Doctor's sake. He couldn't let his lover be disappointed in him; he couldn't bear to see the look of sadness on the Doctor's face if he took his vengeance.

He wasn't going to disappoint the man he loved, Brendan vowed to himself. And more importantly, he wasn't going to disappoint himself. He liked the person he'd become since he had been with the Doctor. And he wanted to keep being that person.

The Doctor was like a preacher who had urged him to change his ways, Brendan reflected. He might not have preached those words from a pulpit, he might not have called down fire and brimstone, but those words had affected the person they'd been meant for.

He'd changed since he had been with the Doctor -- though not completely. He still felt the need to take his revenge, but he also knew that doing so would make him no better than the person who had wronged him in the first place -- and he didn't want to do that.

He wasn't going to let himself be pulled into that trap. He would take the high road -- no matter how hard it might be for him to do that. At least he would have the Doctor by his side to support him -- and he would have the Doctor's respect for trying to do the right thing.

This was going to be more difficult than he'd first thought, Brendan told himself, taking a deep breath and getting up from the couch to go look for the Doctor. But he would manage it somehow. He owed his lover that much -- and maybe he also owed it to himself.

***