Title: Send the Pain Below
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Brendan Block
Fandom: Doctor Who/Secret Smile
Rating: R
Table: 5, 10_hurt_comfort
Prompt: 2, Shame
Warning: Mentions of rape.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Brendan Block, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

Brendan sighed and rolled over in bed, pulling the blankets up around his bare shoulders and facing the wall. Even after nearly a day had gone by, he still felt sore and stiff, and the last thing he wanted to do was get out of bed. He wanted to bury himself here forever.

Of course, he wouldn't be able to do that -- and the hoped that this feeling wouldn't last much longer. After all, the Doctor had been through this before, and he had survived. If his lover could do it, then so could he, Brendan said to himself with an inner sigh.

But the Doctor was a very different person from who he was -- and he was a Time Lord, as well. His body was more resilient than that of a human's -- he would bounce back much more quickly. That wasn't the case with Brendan, and he knew it.

Usually, he wouldn't be this devastated by a physical encounter. He'd been in fights before, and even if he didn't come out on the winning end, he'd always been able to dust himself off and go on without any problems. This however, was far different from a simple fight.

It wasn't only the physical aches and pains that made him feel as though he never wanted to emerge from this bed. He'd been through that before, but this time, he was dealing with an entirely different feeling. It wasn't something that he particularly wanted to face.

No, this time, there was another element added into the mixture, one that he not only didn't want to face, but didn't want anyone else to see. This time, he was ashamed of what had happened to him -- and that the Doctor had been a witness it all.

How could he face his lover again, knowing that the Doctor had seen everything that the Master had done to him? How could he look into those eyes and see the pity in their dark depths -- and know that it was for him? That was the worst part of all that had happened.

Seeing that pity was going to destroy him. He'd always thought of himself as a strong man; he'd never even considered the possibility that anything like this could happen to him. It had never crossed his mind that someone might decide to use him in that way.

The rape hadn't been the worst of it. That in itself had been horrible; he'd had to try to disassociate from his body, to send the pain below a threshold and to feel as though it was happening to someone else. He hadn't done that completely, but he hadn't given in, either.

He hadn't let the Master completely overwhelm him. Brendan was proud of himself for that; he may have been used in a way that horrified him, but he hadn't let the Master break him. Even through his screams and tears, he hadn't let himself fall to pieces.

The worst part of it had been knowing that the Doctor was forced to watch, feeling the Time Lord's eyes on him and realizing that no matter how bad this was for him, it was worse for the Doctor, even though he wasn't the one suffering through the brutal attack.

It was worse for him because of the guilt that would wrap around him like a shroud, trying to encompass his entire being and drown him in remorse. He would always feel that somehow, he had been the cause of what had been done to Brendan.

The Doctor had suffered a far worse pain than he had, in the end. The Time Lord was the one who had been broken -- in a much more insidious way than through brute force. And yet, he was the one who could feel pity for what had been done to someone else.

That pity would shame Brendan for the rest of his life. He would always see it there in the Doctor's eyes -- and even if it wasn't evident, he would always know that the Time Lord pitied him. He would never be able to look at his lover again without feeling that degree of shame.

The Master had managed to come between them more successfully than he ever could dreamed of doing, Brendan thought, a few tears trickling down his cheeks. Their relationship would never be the same .Not after this. There was no way that it could be.

Everything had changed. The Doctor couldn't look at him as being a strong lover any more; he wasn't the capable man that he had been, not in the Time Lord's eyes. He was sure of that. The shame of what had been done to him would weigh him down for the rest of his life.

He should have fought, Brendan told himself, closing his eyes to hold back tears of shame. He should have done something more than he had to try and get away. But he hadn't done that. He'd let his fear for the Doctor's safety overrule his common sense.

No, he couldn't have done that, a small voice in the back of his head told him. If he had, the Master would surely have turned all of that pent-up anger and lust on the Doctor -- and there was no doubt that he would have hurt the Doctor even more than he'd hurt Brendan.

If that had happened, then he would have felt even worse than he did now. No, he'd done the right thing by letting the Master take him and offering no resistance. Better to bear the shame and confront his lover's pity than to live with the guilt of causing the Doctor's pain.

Brendan swallowed hard, the tears trying to force themselves past his closed eyelids. But he had caused his lover pain, hadn't he? It was his fault this had happened. If he wasn't with the Doctor, if they weren't lovers, then this would never have happened.

His muscles tensed as he heard movement in the room; the Doctor had come back in, and he could sense that his lover was hesitant about sitting down next to him. He resisted the urge to pull the covers higher around himself, waiting to see what the Doctor would do.

After a few moments, Brendan could feel the bed dip under the Time Lord's meager weight. A gentle hand rested on his shoulder, the touch sending a warmth through his body that surprised him. All he wanted to do was turn towards the warmth, to bury himself in it.

But he couldn't bring himself to face the pity that he was sure he would see in those dark eyes -- and the shame that he would feel whenever he saw that look. Squeezing his eyes more tightly shut, Brendan curled himself into a ball, wishing that he could disappear.

He'd thought that would make the Doctor go away -- but it didn't. Brendan was shocked to feel the Time Lord stretching out behind him, wrapping both arms around his waist and pulling him even closer to the soothing warmth of the other man's body.

How could he resist that warmth? It was impossible to stay turned away, either physically or in his heart; after a few moments, Brendan forced his aching body to turn over, though he avoided looking directly at the Doctor as he snuggled into those welcoming arms.

The Time Lord pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead, one hand raising to brush back Brendan's hair from his face. "I love you, Brendan," he whispered, his voice raw with emotion. "I would have given anything to spare you this pain. I wish I could take it all away."

"You've suffered just as much -- if not more -- than I have," Brendan found himself saying, the words pouring out before he could stop them. "The physical trauma will go away. What you've had to suffer by him making you watch it is a lot worse."

"I know what it's like to go through what you did," the Doctor told him, cupping Brendan's chin and tilting his face upwards until their gazes met. "It takes a lot of strength to get through something like that, Brendan. You have my everlasting respect for being able to do it."

Brendan gulped, his eyes searching the Time Lord's face for any sign of the pity that he'd been sure would be written on his features. But he could find none. Instead, all he saw in those eyes was the love that the Doctor had for him -- a love that Brendan returned with all of his heart.

With a soft sob, he buried his face against the Doctor's shoulder, feeling a wave of relief sweep over him. The Doctor didn't pity him. He didn't have to feel ashamed every time he looked at the man he loved. And this wasn't going to destroy the love that they shared.

"Don't cry, sweetheart," the Doctor soothed, his arms tightening around his lover. "I know this won't be easy for you to get through. But we'll work past it and put it behind us. I'll be here every step of the way, Brendan. I promise. You're not alone."

Brendan nodded, lifting his head and searching the Time Lord's face again. And to his surprise, he felt no shame. Maybe it would come later, but for the moment, all he felt was gratitude -- and an overwhelming love that filled him to the depths of his soul.

***