Title: What You Don't Know
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Brendan Block
Fandom: Doctor Who/Secret Smile
Rating: PG-13
Table: doctorwho_100
Prompt: 49, History
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Brendan Block, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

Brendan leaned on the console of the Tardis, chin propped on his hands, frowning down at the controls of the ship without really seeing them. He wouldn't know what to do with them, of course; the Doctor was the only one who could really pilot this ship.

He wasn't even sure that the Tardis "approved" of him as the Doctor's companion -- or as his lover. It was still hard for him to believe that what he perceived as being an inanimate object could actually care about his relationship with the Time Lord, but he wasn't taking any chances.

It still made him a bit uneasy to feel that the Tardis was somehow watching them. The Doctor had assured him that the ship wasn't a voyeur, but Brendan couldn't shake the uncanny feeling that he was being observed -- and that he was somehow found wanting.

But the Tardis couldn't doubt his devotion to the Doctor, he told himself fiercely. The ship had to know that he was falling in love with Time Lord; that should be obvious.

Or was it? He'd always been so good at hiding his true feelings, at hiding who he really was from the world. He'd done that from the time he was a child, and his parents had either been disapproving and ignored him, then had suddenly made him their golden boy and smothered him.

His sister had been jealous of that love he'd had from their parents, to the point where she had told everyone who would listen to her that their deaths were his fault, that he'd been the one to delberately start the fire that had ultimately taken their lives.

It wasn't true, of course; but very few people would believe him. Even though he hadn't been convicted of the crime, there had still been enough suspicion directed at him to ruin his life, to make him have to leave everything he'd loved and move to London to build a new life for himself.

And he'd done so, even though it hadn't been easy. Of all the things he might have been in his life, he wasn't a murderer. He could take comfort in that fact, if nothing else.

But there were so many other things he'd done in his life that he was ashamed of. He'd been cruel to people, though he'd never intentionally caused harm to anyone. He hadn't exactly been good to the people he'd had past relationships with; his love life had a very bad history.

Brendan sighed, closing his eyes and hoping that the Tardis didn't have the same telepathic abilities that the Doctor did. If the ship could read his mind, she would probably already have made sure that the Doctor didn't keep him around.

There were still too many things he hadn't told the Doctor about himself, things that he didn't want to think about. But the Time Lord knew the worst -- or at least most of it, Brendan thought, repressing another sigh and clenching his fists.

He didn't know that his lover had been accused of murder. No matter that it was a false accusation -- enough people had believed it to blacken his reputation.

The Doctor didn't need to know about that, did he? After all, it was in the past, the accusation had been false, and it didn't have any bearing on their life together. It wasn't something that he had to admit to; he didn't want that cloud to follow him into his life with the Time Lord.

But it would always be at the back of his mind that it was something he hadn't told the Doctor, and he wanted to be perfectly honest with this man. Something told him that their relationship would always feel strained, at least to him if he didn't tell the other man everything.

He didn't want to feel that he was holding anything back from the Doctor. But at the same time, it was such a horrible accusation, something that he wanted to defend himself against and put behind him completely. He didn't want it hovering in the back of his mind.

Still .... what the Doctor didn't know couldn't hurt him. And it also couldn't pain Brendan with a black cloud of suspicion, that little doubt that might settle into their lives if the Doctor knew.

"What are you thinking about? You look terribly serious."

The words startled him, so much so that he gasped and almost jumped, turning around to see the Time Lord standing right behind him. At any other time, and with any other person, his first reaction might have been anger, and a demand to know why they had been spying on him.

But it was different with the Doctor. This man had no need to skulk around and try to find out any secrets he might hold; the Time Lord wasn't like that. All he had to do was to look into his mind when they had physical contact; Brendan's thoughts would be an open book.

He'd never do that, and Brendan knew it. He would never pry into another person's mind; he'd consider it an intrusion, one that he had no right to force on anyone.

He had a right to know everything about the man he was involved with, Brendan told himself, another sigh leaving his lips before he could hold it back. The Doctor frowned, as though he sensed that something was wrong, moving closer to Brendan and taking his hand.

"Brendan, what is it? What's wrong?" There was concern in the Doctor's voice, and Brendan wanted to spill out everything about his past in that moment, so that the Doctor would know absolutely all there was to know about him, no matter what he thought of it.

There was no way that he could make himself do that. It was too risky; even though the Doctor knew some of the more questionable things he'd done in the past, and still loved him in spite of it, there were other things, not only the murder accusation, that he was reluctant to talk about.

He shook his head, the words coming almost unbidden to his lips. "What you don't know won't hurt you, Doctor. I'm not ready to talk about it all yet. Maybe in time, I will be."

"What I don't know may not hurt me .... but it certainly seems as though it's hurting you." The Doctor's voice was soft and husky, worry tinging the quiet tone. "Brendan, you don't have to be afraid to tell me anything, no matter how bad you think it might be."

Brendan had to admit that the Doctor was right; keeping his secrets locked up inside might be hurting him more than he was ready to admit. But was he prepared to have the Doctor pull away from him if the other man couldn't deal with what he had to say?

That was something he'd have to find out, in time. He'd just intended for that time to be far in the future, rather than something that was facing him in the here and now. But he had to tell the Doctor at some point -- and it seemed that he was being given the opportunity now.

Taking the Time Lord's hands, Brendan looked into those dark eyes, the eyes that he could drown in if he let himself look into them for long enough.

The Doctor wasn't going to turn him away. This man loved him; he'd said those three words that were so important for Brendan to hear. And he'd said them back, whispered to the Doctor in the darkness of their bed, when the Time Lord was wrapped in his embrace.

This man wasn't like the other people who'd been in his life in the past. He wasn't human; he didn't judge anyone by what they might have done in the past. He looked at them as the person they were now, the person he knew, their slate wiped clean from the day they'd met him.

It was time for him to give up every secret about himself, to let the Doctor know everything about him, even the things that he himself didn't want to remember. It was past time for him to let himself be washed clean of his past sins by the love of the man he'd given his heart to.

"There's a lot you don't know about me," he began, taking a deep breath and managing a smile as he moved into the Doctor's arms. "What you don't know might not hurt you -- but it's time you knew."

"We'll go on from there, Brendan," the Doctor said softly, his dark gaze never leaving Brendan's face. "Whatever you have to tell me, I'll still love you. There's nothing to be afraid of."

There wasn't, Brendan realized, his eyes widening with surprise. There was no longer anything for him to fear. The Doctor accepted him just as he was -- faults and all. He could finally put his personal history behind him, and be assured that it would never again surface.

That was one of the best feelings he'd ever had -- knowing that he didn't have to be unsure about his future any more. He was with someone who wouldn't turn their back on him, no matter what they found out about him. For once, he'd made the right choice.

What the Doctor didn't know might not hurt him, but there was no reason to keep any secrets from his lover. Not any more. Brendan took a deep breath, ready for the words to pour out, washing away any fear and uncertainty he might have felt about their future together.

***