Title: Whisper To the Wild Water
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: past Jack/Doctor
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 30_losses
Prompt: 29A, A whisper on the wind
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

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The Doctor looked out over the waterfall that he was standing near, wondering what Jack would have thought of this. It was a sight that his former lover would have appreciated, he thought, something wild and untamed -- and free. Free, just as he was.

Jack loved anything that symbolized freedom. The Doctor had always known that he couldn't hold such a man, and he had tried to tell himself that letting Jack go had been inevitable. He'd had the immortal's heart for a short time, and he couldn't ask for more than that.

But he wanted more. He'd always wanted more.

He wanted not only Jack's heart, but his soul and his pledge of forever. He wanted a commitment from the other man, a commitment that Jack hadn't been ready to give. And when the Doctor had tried to ask for that commitment, he'd found out that Jack had already made one.

His commitment was to Torchwood, to the organization that he'd fallen into so long ago and that had owned his loyalty ever since. And they also seemed to own his heart, given that he was turning his back on love to devote his life to them.

Or maybe it had just been Jack's way of telling him that he wasn't enough without saying it in so many words, the Doctor thought, his lips twisting cynically. Jack had always been good at that -- finding ways to say what he meant in an oblique manner.

If he had been enough to make Jack happy, then the other man would still be here, standing beside him and marveling over the wild majesty of a waterfall. They would still be together, facing the world as a team -- and he would still be happy.

Happiness was something that had always eluded him, wasn't it? Oh, he had snatches of it, as he had when Jack was with him. That had been the happiest time of his long life; it was a period of his life that he would remember forever, and look back on with love.

But it hadn't lasted. It hadn't been meant to last, had it?

There had always been signs that his happiness would be brief. Jack had always been restless; he had never seemed to be satisfied with what he had, never wanting to say words that he might have felt but was afraid to tie himself down with uttering aloud.

The only time he had ever been able to say the three little words that the Doctor had longed to hear was in the darkness of their bedroom at night, after they'd made love, when they were both drifting off to sleep. He had never been able to say them in the cold light of day.

Maybe Jack had loved him. Actually, the Doctor was sure that he had. But that love hadn't been strong enough to keep him here; it had been superseded by another love that had been stronger, one that a mere Time Lord couldn't compete with.

Jack loved his freedom. No lover could entice him as his freedom did.

The Doctor had known that about Jack from the beginning. He had told himself time and time again that he couldn't hold this man, that he couldn't expect Jack to stay with him. He had known that their time together would be brief, and that he should make the most of it.

He had told himself time and time again not to expect love that would last. He had tried to steel himself against the searing pain of losing that love, of seeing it turn and walk away from him without a backward glance, of wondering if he'd ever truly had it within his grasp.

No whispered words of love would be able to hold a man like Jack. And now that the Doctor was better equipped to give the man he loved the freedom he needed and still be a part of his life, Jack wouldn't ever be able to hear those words, even if he shouted them.

He could whisper them to the wild water that rushed down the side of the mountain that dwarfed him now, or he could shout them from the highest rooftop in all of the universe. Jack was gone; he wouldn't hear the words that the Doctor longed to say.

And even if Jack was right here, standing beside him so that he could whisper those words into his ear with all the sincerity that was in his hearts, would the other man realize the enormity of his feelings? Would he know that the Doctor truly mean the words he spoke?

The Time Lord wasn't sure of that. He never could be. Jack was unpredictable; his moods and his emotions were as wild as the rushing water that tumbled down to froth in the waves far below. He had his moments of calm strength, but they were hidden under the turbulent force of Jack's personality.

He could never tell Jack how he felt. It was far too late for that.

What he would give to be able to whisper words of love on the wind and have that whisper reach Jack's ears and burrow into his heart. If only he had said those words with all the sincerity that he felt, rather than holding onto his pride as his lover walked out of his life.

If he had been brave enough to lay his hearts bare before Jack, to say those words when he'd had the chance, maybe his lover would still be here with him. Maybe they would have been able to make things work for them, even though at the time, there hadn't seemed to be a way.

Jack had loved him in his own way. He knew that. But it hadn't been the kind of love that he'd needed; he had wanted a man who would be his, a man who would stay by his side at all times, through any kind of darkness and trouble. Jack simply wasn't that man.

Or was he? the Doctor wondered, his hearts feeling as though they consricted in his chest at the thought. Maybe Jack was that man, and neither of them had been able to summon up the courage to find out. Maybe they had both been too afraid of what they might find if they did.

Jack would have been terrified of surrendering his freedom for love -- and he himself would have been too afraid of losing the love that he held so tenuously within his grasp that he couldn't bring himself to see if it could possibly last.

And because of their fears, they'd let the chance go by. They had both lost.

It was enough to make him want to sink to his knees and sob, but of course, he wouldn't do that. He would simply stand here and stare at the waterfall, keeping all of his regrets locked inside and refusing to let them manifest in the tears he wanted to cry.

What would be the use in crying? He could whisper or shout his feelings to the world, to the wild water that was even now rushing past him, and they would never be heard by the one person who needed to know how he felt. That chance had passed him by.

He could whisper those words on the wind, and hope that somehow they might reach Jack's ears -- but he had no way of knowing if his former lover would even listen. He might let those words disintegrate into the air without ever having heard them, or know they'd been spoken.

And then again, he might pay them some heed. There was always a chance.

The Doctor's hearts quickened at the thought. Was that a chance that he was willing to take? Could he let Jack hear those words -- let the man he loved know that there was still a glimmer of hope for the two of them? Did he dare to put his hearts on the line for one last time?

The Time Lord turned away from the waterfall to head back towards the Tardis, a purpose in his step that hadn't been there for a long time. If there was the slightest glimmer of hope for a future with Jack, he was going to reach out for it -- and follow wherever that hope might lead.

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