Title: Without Your Love
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Ten.5
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 4, 10_hurt_comfort
Prompt: 2, Love
Author's Note: Continuation of Tear in Your Hand.
Author's Note: The human version of the Doctor is being referred to as John Smith in this fic, since it's the Doctor's human alias and his clone needed a name.
Author's Note: Spoilers for Journey's End, somewhat. This is an completely alternate take on the ending of Season Four.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor, or his human clone. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor sighed as he made his way down the corridor that led to the library of the Tardis, hoping that he would find Jamie there. For the past few days, his lover had been oddly distant, and it was past time he tried to find out why.

He knew what the Master had done to Jamie; it had been obvious from the way that he'd found his boyfriend. There had been no words to describe his burning anger, the fury that had swept over him at the first moment that he'd laid eyes on his lover.

But there hadn't been time for him to be angry. Jamie had needed his care and attention; he'd gotten the other man back to the Tardis as quickly as he could, and taken him away to a pleasure planet, where they could be in a peaceful, calm atmosphere.

The peace of the place they were in hadn't seemed to soothe Jamie. He was having a hard time sleeping, and the Doctor could swear that he was flinching away from physical contact -- though he could hardly blame his lover for that.

He himself knew what it was like to suffer what Jamie had gone through; how many times had the Master used him in the same way? But that was different; he was a Gallifreyan, a Time Lord. He could recover from the physical abuse much more quickly, if not the psychological.

Jamie had been so .... so uncommunicative for the past few days. He'd told the Doctor what had been done to him, and they'd both cried; he'd let the Doctor hold him and comfort him, but the Time Lord had known that Jamie was holding back a part of himself.

He had to get to the bottom of that. Whatever the Master had done to Jamie that his lover hadn't told him about, he had to know. Even if it hurt unbearably to know that the man he loved had been subjected to such pain, he needed to know what had caused Jamie to close himself off.

His footsteps slowed as he approached the library; he wasn't entirely sure what he would say to Jamie, but he hoped that his words would break down the barriers that seemed to have sprung up between them. They had to. He couldn't bear to feel that anything separated them.

Taking a deep breath, he entered the room, his gaze moving immediately to where Jamie was curled up on the couch. His boyfriend didn't seem to be doing anything; he was staring into space, seemingly not noticing anything in the room around him.

The Doctor frowned as he crossed the room to sit down on the couch beside his lover; such indolence was very unlike Jamie. He couldn't blame his boyfriend for not wanting to be out and about, but this self-imposed isolation was becoming worrisome -- and frightening.

"Jamie, sweetheart, we need to talk." The Doctor kept his voice soft and soothing, hoping that Jamie wouldn't move away from him. He wanted to break through that protective wall that he was sure his lover was building around himself -- and talking was the only way he knew how to do that.

"I'm all right, love," Jamie told him, looking over at him and giving him a wan smile. That smile might have fooled anyone who didn't know Jamie -- but it didn't fool the Doctor. The smile didn't reach his lover's eyes; Jamie was hiding inside himself, not letting anyone get near.

"No, you aren't." The Doctor threw caution to the winds, taking Jamie into his arms and holding him close. He had to take a deep breath and close his eyes for a moment to keep himself from bursting into tears; he hadn't realized that holding Jamie would affect him so powerfully.

"I don't know exactly what happened to you, other than the obvious physical assault -- but you haven't been yourself at all since I found you," the Doctor whispered, burying his face against Jamie's hair. "Please, love, let me in. Tell me what's making you pull away from me."

Jamie was silent for a few moments; then words burst from him, almost as though they were being said against his will. "H-he told me things that I don't want to believe -- but I can't h-help thinking about them." Jamie's voice was very small, as if he was afraid of what he was saying.

"What did he say, sweetheart?" The Doctor's hearts clenched in his chest; whatever the Master had told Jamie, it was more than likely something to do with him -- and it had to be a lie. The Master wouldn't say anything complimentary, he was sure.

"He --" Jamie raised his head to look into the Doctor's eyes, taking a deep breath before he spoke. "He said that you didn't love me, that I was only a mirror to you. That you kept me with you to stroke your own vanity, and that you would tire of me eventually."

The Doctor couldn't speak for a few moments; the words that Jamie spoke cut through his hearts with the precision of a finely-honed machete blade. It was almost inconceivable that anyone could have said something so cruel -- and so utterly untrue.

But what else could he expect from the Master? That bastard didn't want him to be with Jamie -- and he would say anything in an attempt that he thought might succeed in ripping them apart. Cruelty was his specialty -- and it was usually directed at the Doctor.

"Jamie ...." The Doctor swallowed hard before he could speak again, forcing back the lump in his throat. "You know that isn't true. He only said that to hurt you -- because he doesn't want you with me. He wants to drive a wedge between us."

"I know in my heart that it's not true," Jamie whispered, tears starting to streak down his cheeks. "But there's a part of me that can't put those words out of my mind and ignore them. I can't help wondering if they're true -- at least in some small way."

The Doctor shook his head firmly, wishing with all his hearts and soul that there was some way he could convince Jamie beyond any shadow of a doubt that those words held no truth whatsoever. They didn't, but how could he make Jamie believe that?

"It's not true," he whispered, taking Jamie's face between his hands and fixing his gaze on his lover's face, not breaking their eye contact. "Jamie, it wouldn't matter to me what you looked like. I love you for who you are, not as some reflection of myself."

Jamie nodded, raising a hand to his mouth to cover a sob. Without warning, he wrapped his arms around the Doctor, pulling him close and pressing his face against the Time Lord's chest. The Doctor followed suit, holding Jamie close, feeling his lover's slender body shake with sobs.

"I wouldn't be able to exist without your love," Jamie sobbed. "It's not so much that I believed him when he said you would get tired of me -- I wouldn't blame you if you did, because I'm human. But thinking that you didn't love me -- I'd rather be dead than lose your love."

"You never will," the Doctor whispered, his throat tightening. He had to fight back tears; the pain in Jamie's voice was like acid burning through his entire being. He knew that Jamie loved him, but this was the first time his lover had said anything like this.

"Thinking about losing you scares me more than anything else," Jamie said, raising his head to look at the Doctor. The Time Lord almost couldn't bear the look of anguish in those dark eyes; Jamie's emotions were written clearly on his features.

"Hush, sweetheart," the Doctor murmured, leaning forward to kiss away the tears from Jamie's cheeks. "You're never going to lose my love. If there's one thing in this world you can be sure of, it's that. I'll always love you, Jamie -- no matter what anyone else may say."

"I know you will," Jamie whispered, raising a hand to wipe ineffectually at his tears. "I should have held on to that knowledge, instead of letting him make me believe that you didn't love me. I knew better. It was just .... so hard not to listen to him."

"I know how that feels," the Doctor sympathized, pulling Jamie close again. "He's done it to me too, you know. He knows that taking away the best thing we have in our lives is the best way to weaken us. We can't let him do that, Jamie."

"He's jealous that I'm with you, isn't he?" Jamie asked, sniffling as he rested his head against the Time Lord's shoulder. "He doesn't want you to have feelings for anyone. He thinks that if you don't, you'll turn to him out of loneliness and desperation."

"Yes, that's part of it," the Doctor sighed, stroking Jamie's hair absently. "His psyche is so tangled up that I don't know exactly what it is that drives him. I think it's equal parts jealousy, lust, madness -- and who knows what else is mixed up in that confusion."

"He almost convinced me that I would have to spend the last years of my life without your love," Jamie murmured, a sob catching in his throat. "For me, that would be a fate worse than death. I can't imagine anything worse than you not loving me."

"You'll never have to be afraid of that happening, Jamie," the Doctor said, his voice strong and firm. "No matter what the Master or anyone else says, I will always, always love you. No one else could take your place in my life -- or in in my hearts. Not for any reason."

"I'm sorry that I could have ever thought that you didn't," Jamie whispered, lifting his head to look into the Doctor's eyes. "I'm so sorry, love. I'll never doubt you again. Not for one second. I have no reason to. And I hope you'll never doubt me, either."

"Never," the Doctor answered, raising a hand to cup Jamie's cheek. As their lips met, a wave of relief washed over the Time Lord. The Master's attempt to sever their bond had only made it grow stronger -- and hopefully, they would be prepared for the next attempt.

***